Middle-Pause Pump-Priming Prompt

What Emotion Is the Hardest for You to Express and Why (If You Know)?

Sometimes, we need permission; sometimes, we need support

My husband and I were sitting at the far ends of a couch in our marriage counselor’s office, seeing if there was any hope of salvaging our relationship.

As far as I was concerned, there wasn’t. But I was willing to go through the motions to feel better about feeling bad about that.

At one point during the session, the counselor turned to my husband and asked him how he was feeling. He looked at her and muttered, I dunno.

In a moment I’ll never forget, she said, “Simon, you’ve got a Ph.D. in biochemistry. You’re a smart man. There are four basic emotions: sad, mad, glad, and scared. Chances are you’re feeling one of these at this very moment. Which one is it?

I knew.

He was scared. Freaked out. Panic-stricken even.

His life script was that women, starting with his mother, abandoned him. He did everything he could to prevent that from happening. But, in our case, his second marriage, the die had been cast by me, and it was just a matter of time.

If she had turned to me and asked me what I was feeling, the answer would have been anger.

But that wasn’t a feeling I was allowed to feel, much less talk about.

So, instead of expressing it to him directly, I acted it out by having a series of affairs on the side. Did I admit this to the counselor? No way. Did I admit it to him? Not yet. Not till I got into recovery with Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, and it felt safe to do so.

Did he have any sense of what was going on? Yep. He even asked me if I had a boyfriend. I managed to dodge the question. But not stop the behavior.

I didn’t have a vocabulary to express and discuss feelings at the time. In our leftie circles, all our anger was directed at the enemy — those amorphous beings like the ‘military-industrial complex.’ Not one’s spouse, friends, or family. It just wasn’t done.

No wonder so many relationships fell apart, and many of us struggled with depression.

It took getting into recovery to learn that feelings are important.

And so is expressing them in healthy ways.

Which brings us to this week’s Middle-Pause Pump Priming Prompt: What are you feeling and, if you know it, why? And for extra credit, what do you think that feeling is trying to tell you?

I’ll go first since I’m chomping at the bit.

I’m feeling a mixture of things, but I want to focus on that taboo one — anger.

I say taboo because when I was growing up, my parents, especially my grandparents, drilled into me that it’s not ladylike to show anger. Lots of don’ts. Don’t raise your voice. Don’t put your hands on your hips. Don’t huff and puff in exasperation — a vocal equivalent of today’s eye roll. Oh, and keep your knees together which was off-topic but oft repeated.

I did my best to follow the rules. I wanted to be a good girl.

Never mind that my dad was a rageaholic and yelled at his mom when she lived with us. And yelled at the TV when they showed anti-Vietnam War protestors. He yelled at Mom once or twice that I saw, reducing her to tears.

I was determined not to let him get to me. So I bided my time till I went off to college and joined those protestors. My version of I’ll show you! But I sincerely abhored the war and violence.

Even today, after years of recovery, I still tend to repress my anger.

I allow myself to smolder with resentment. But not to give full vent to the anger brewing under the surface.

Until now.

What changed?

I started going to CoDA meetings. That’s Codependence Anonymous. A twelve-step program for those of us who enable people, including addicts, in our lives. I’m there to learn how to respond to my roommate in healthier ways than I’ve been doing.

Why is expressing my anger so hard?

Anger is a scary emotion to express.

We’re not taught healthy ways to do that. In our society, women who do, get labeled hysterical and worse. There’s a ‘B’ word reserved for us but rarely used to describe the guys.

And now that I think about it, wouldn’t learning healthy ways to express anger prevent a lot of fights, injuries, and domestic violence?

Even thinking about saying what’s really on my mind brings up a lot of fear. Fears that in venting, I’ll go overboard and say something I don’t mean. Something mean.

Fears that I will raise my voice and yell. That once I take the lid off, I’ll be completely out of control. Have a temper tantrum. Act like a two-year-old. And blow a gasket. Bust a gut or blood vessel. Even though I don’t think it works that way.

I imagine repressing anger is more dangerous to our health than expressing it. According to the Better Health Channel, “Bottled anger often turns into depression and anxiety. Some people vent their bottled anger at innocent parties, such as children or pets.”

Uncontrolled anger isn’t good for us, either. Its long-term physical effects “include increased anxiety, high blood pressure, and headache.” Those can lead to serious illnesses like heart disease and strokes.

But anger is one of our basic emotions.

In our marriage counselor’s construct, it’s the one called mad.

There’s usually a purpose to our anger. It’s trying to tell us something. That something might be to take an action and/or set a boundary. In my case, it’s to get clear about the ways I’m okay supporting my roommate and ways I’m not. And to talk to her appropriately about it.

It seems so simple when laid out like this.

But I was doing things for her without first checking in with myself. Giving to a point that made me uncomfortable. Which got me angry, mainly at myself. That’s a setup for complications including depression, which has been described as anger turned inward. Ouch.

Which is why I’m working on all of this. And asking questions.

So again, the pump-priming prompt: What are you feeling and, if you know it, why? And for extra credit, what do you think that feeling is trying to tell you?

I’m asking because this issue is up for me. Your answers provide insight for all of us. So don’t be bashful. We look forward to hearing from you.

Marilyn Flower’s a sacred fool who writes every day — fiction, poetry, and blogs — inspired by a process called SoulCollage®. She’s the author of Creative Blogging and Bucket Listers: Get Your Brave On. Follow her Sacred Foolishness or SoulCollage® for Writers, and Stay in touch!