30-second humor
What Else Can You Do in 30 Seconds?!
Medium are the one-pump wonders!
Based in an undisclosed location in Mexico, the Medium gods have decided that articles must now be read for AT LEAST 30 seconds. Otherwise, the author is taken to a warehouse and made to read unfunny sex articles written by middle-aged men called Steve or Jeff.
Oh, and they lose money as well. Bummer!
This got me thinking, what else can we do in thirty seconds?
It’s the perfect amount of time to read an article apparently, so what do these seconds allow us to do?
I’m so glad you asked! Or I asked. One of us asked. I dunno. I’m gonna write about it anyway.
Write Romance
When you’re in the zone, you can write about literally anything.
With this in mind, I decided to write a romantic tale in thirty seconds. I’m going to time myself and see what I come up with.
Ready, set, go!
Timer starts
A woman and man get jiggy at a bus shelter and he gives her flowers but thinks she smells like cinnamon but the lady thinks he looks like a thumb. They get beaten up by raccoons. The end.
Timer ends
I know I only wrote that in thirty seconds but oh my god if that didn’t pull on my heartstrings! I am really talented!
Think you can do any better? Please have a go! It’s really stressful and fun!
Battle a Pensioner
The elderly don’t have a long life expectancy and crave death, so why not oblige them with thirty seconds of your time?
Most pensioners want to go out in style so what better way than by battling a younger, less grey person?!
Here are just some of the ways you can claim glory over these old-timers in a short amount of time!
- Destroy them in a jousting tournament.
- Drink loads of salt and play a game of who’s got the higher blood pressure.
- Jump out at each other during the night when needing the bathroom and see who dies first.
If any of these takes longer than thirty seconds you’ve got a real live wire of a fossil on your hands!
Comment Crazy!
A cheeky Medium comment goes a long way and often takes about thirty seconds to do. Why not have a go at encouraging others with their writing?
Don’t worry if you can’t think of anything, I have a comment template that I like to use if I enjoyed someone’s article:
- “Loved your piece on different types of rock formations. We should hang out more.”
- “Well spank my arse and call me Hilary! I love this!”
- “Have you been to the Kristine Laco school of bongos?! ‘Cos this slaps!”
Don’t feel like you always have to be positive though. Here is my comments template for articles that I absolutely hated:
- “Was this article done by a child! It sucks! Oh…you are a child. Well, get better before you get older. The job market is a cruel mistress.”
- “My two nipples are more useful than this piece. Please burn your computer and take up knitting.”
- “I hate it! Oh my god, I hate it! Why would you bring this into the world?! I’m going to shoot it in the face!”
These time-saving comments will have Medium authors adoring you as you do your bit for the writing community.
Unless you get removed for hateful comments, in that case maybe don’t listen to me anymore. I’m not good for you.
Get Rejected
Thirty wondrous seconds is all it takes for a potential romantic partner to become a definitely out-of-the-question not-gonna-happen romantic partner.
Before I found someone who would put up with me, I got rejected A LOT! Hard to believe I know but it happened!
Who wants to mess about being led on though? Better to just whip off the plaster and get it over with.
Here’s an extract from a conversation with a previous love interest who I tried to swoon in record time. I wrote the conversation down because I knew I’d have to use it in a Medium article one day.
Rejection Transcript number 54782754628456481965189
The worst thing she can say is “no”.
Adam: Hello.
Girl: Ew.
On to the next one.
This hurt like hell but after years of therapy I’m okay, I think.
Time is up!
There we have it — way over thirty seconds of content for you to read about!
These seconds can be used wisely as I have discussed, but of course, the best way to spend this time is to read Medium articles. Preferably mine but whatever.
I hope you enjoyed and please remember…
That band Thirty Seconds to Mars are complete liars! I’ve Googled it and the trip takes way longer than that!
Toodle pip! ❤
Cat buttholes are lovely. John Peck thinks so.
Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier) is here to give you the best 30 seconds of your life.
