What Ellen Got Wrong (Again)
Social media was sharply divided between praise and harsh criticism when a photo of LGBT icon Ellen DeGeneres and former Republican President George W. Bush laughing together at a football game went viral.
On Sunday, Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi — arguably the most famous same-sex couple in the United States — were invited to sit in the private box at a Dallas Cowboys game. They were seated next to former President George W. Bush, who was doggedly against LGBT rights. A photo of them laughing together went viral and social media (naturally) went haywire.
There were two distinct camps on social media. One was the liberal-leaning contingent who remain vehemently opposed to Bush’s policies and found the fact that the United States’s most notable LGBT icon was cozying up to him to be a betrayal of her community. The other were the “why can’t everybody just get along?” crowd who praised their mutual civility as a goal we should all be striving to reach.
I was in an obscure third camp when I saw the picture — unsurprised and unfazed. This is for two reasons. First, people as powerful, wealthy, and famous as DeGeneres and Bush are bound to stumble upon each other from time and both know better (and perhaps are better) than to show open hostility. Just because they are laughing at the same time does not mean they share some deep, personal connection and shared vision of the world. (Even though I am not rich, famous, or powerful, I can understand as I was once put in a position where I had to graciously shake hands with Dick Cheney.)
The second is that DeGeneres has increasingly embraced a “love one another” middle-of-the-road persona over the past decade. Much of the self-deprecation, anger, and absurdism that made her early stand-up so brilliant has been replaced by a desire to appeal to everyone and never offend. I imagine that part of this is genuine. She seems like a genuinely good-hearted person who is truly grateful for all that she has achieved. But I cannot help but imagine that some of it is rooted in self-preservation. This is a woman who received a tsunami of hate when she decided to break new ground by coming out on her 1990s sitcom and became persona non grata for many years before starting a daytime talk show that launched her celebrity into the stratosphere.
Click here for my take on the legacy of DeGeneres’s historic decision to come out
Increasingly often, however, her desire to not offend backfires. Earlier this year, she intensely defended Kevin Hart, whose homophobic comments got him ousted as Oscar host. She did so during a supremely awkward interview that segued into a patronizing lecture directed at those who were angry about him being granted an industry honor and given a huge platform. She called them names and stated that it was hate that fueled their criticisms. She was wrong. Sure there were many people whose outrage was reflexive as opposed to thoughtful and was aggressive as opposed to productive, but the notion of not wanting a man who made deeply homophobic comments about his plan to physically abuse his son if he showed any signs of being gay to host Hollywood’s biggest note (disproportionately loved by gay men) does not automatically make one a “hater.”
Click here for my take on the Kevin Hart-Ellen DeGeneres controversy
She made the exact same mistake again when she recorded a defense against the social media critics who took issue with her cozying up to Bush that aired on Tuesday’s episode of her show but was released a day prior on social media. She doubled down on the interaction, saying that she and George W. Bush were not just acting friendly but were in fact friends. She then bemoaned the “haters” who tweeted critical comments, and launched into a patronizing lecture about how her directive to be kind includes being kind to people who do not share the same beliefs as you do.
And herein lies the problem. Not wanting to be friends with — or even friendly towards — a man who called for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage (not to mention one who led us into a decades long military conflict based on fabricated intelligence) does not make one a hater, uncivil, or an enemy to the notion of kindness. This is not a difference in belief like he thinks The Joker is art and she thinks its violence-justifying trash. This is a difference in belief where he ostensibly said “your love is not valid because the Bible believes acting on your same-sex desire is sinful and I want to use all of the power at my disposal as President of the United States to ensure you never get equal rights.” To say that LGBT people should just “be kind” and “get along” is a big ask. And even though she’s embraced the moniker of the “Queen of Nice,” DeGeneres does not have the right to be the country’s tone police.
The reason why this all interests me is because I find it part of a troubling larger trend in which today’s highly contentious culture is being reduced to “people on both sides are just too mean.” Sure there has been a massive decline in the civility of public discourse across the board since the day that Donald Trump announced his candidacy (and, stretching back further to the launch of Fox News). But to say that people should coexist in harmony despite having different beliefs is a ludicrous argument when the beliefs in question are deeply rooted in homophobic, misogynistic, racist, and xenophobic ideology and coupled with a desire to leverage a position of privilege to deprive others of basic human rights.
Despite what DeGeneres says, I do not have to sit around and laugh with someone who thinks I should “burn in hell” or thinks I am a danger to children because I am gay. Nor do I have to carry on friendships with people who expose themselves to be deeply hateful and prejudiced. I personally have little problem with an LGBT icon I adore being friendly with George W. Bush. I find it confusing, but Ellen can do what she wants and maybe she has good reasons for it. What I take issue with is her joining the growing chorus that it is the moral imperative of the oppressed and marginalized to meet their oppressors half way for a chorus of “Kumbaya.”
