What Does ‘Kummerspeck’ Have to Do With My Mother’s Death?

The Germans call it grief bacon

In the company of friends, more well-intentioned bereavement food came my way. I love eating, and soon enough, I noticed I am gaining weight, and before I knew it, I am 20 pounds heavier since my Mom died.

I was eating my grief away. My grief has turned into a “kummerspeck.” Comfort eating is a staple of the human experience. The Germans (of course) have the perfect word to describe the excess fat you gain from emotional overeating: Kummerspeck.

Kummerspeck is a compound noun composed of Kummer (grief) and Speck (bacon, or lard), which translates literally as ‘grief bacon’ or does it?

Why some people gain weight while grieving? — Mel Magazine

After reading this article, it appears I am not alone. While some would experience loss of appetite as they grieve, some, like me, have found comfort in food.

Jonathan Van Ness (JVN) from Queer Eye had this to say, as he experienced his own kummerspeck.

After my stepdad passed away, I gained 70 pounds in 3 months. I didn’t like how I felt or looked, it’s so important for me to look back and tell that man from 5 years ago he was lovely and gorge. I can celebrate where I am now as long as I send love to the “me’s” along the way.

It is always good to feel you are not alone. By sharing his kummerspeck, JVN can help people like me who may not understand the weight gain that follows a death.

My 20 pounds Kummerspeck and what I need to lose the weight.

My mother’s death taught me many things, one of which is that while Life is beautiful, death is as beautiful.

I have made peace with my kummerspeck. This German word for “sad fat” makes it easier for me not to take it seriously. I have gained weight before, always triggered by a personal event in my life, like being broken-hearted.

I have been watching my weight since my Mom was diagnosed with Chronic Kidney Disease (CKD), a complication of her diabetes. After that, she had to undergo dialysis for seven years. This year, she stopped her dialysis treatments and co-created her death with God by her own design.

Not everyone is given a chance to have a say in the way they would die. My Mom was given that chance, as she was able to say goodbye in the comfort of her home and spend her last twenty-one days with us, telling us how much she loves each and every one of us.

I never had issues with my body. I accept myself the way I am, even if I was beginning to start being slightly overweight.

For three years, I have done keto, and I loved it. But sometimes, I can’t help it to have cheat days, but I have been good with maintaining what for me was my ideal weight.

I will turn to fasting, intermittent eating, and a low-carb diet, all of which kept my weight in check; if I see myself gaining more pounds, that is within my ideal weight.

The meaning of my Kummerspeck

On the day my Mom died, I didn’t eat at all except that cup of coffee I had during breakfast. Shortly after that, she said her final, “l love you,” to her favorite great-grandchild, MatMat, and closed her eyes.

I would still not eat during her wake except for small bites and cups and cups of coffee.

On the day we buried her, as part of our culture, to celebrate her life, I have eaten a full meal during the Thanksgiving lunch.

From that day forward, food has become a friend, an ally, and my go-to grief companion.

As friends come to help me process my grief, more opportunities of being with food came my way.

Now, I know why. It is another thing I miss most about my Mom, eating with her. How she loves food, how she loves Spanish food in particular.

When did my best friend ask me what he could do for me? I said I wanted to celebrate my Mom’s birthday with every Spanish food she loved.

During the impromptu birthday party, I ate everything, the Paella Valenciana, Callos Madrilenos, the Lengua al Ajillo.

All of which were her favorites, which later also became mine. I was delighted that night, even if it was for a brief moment.

Understanding Grief

We all have those days when we ‘accidentally’ eat the whole tub of ice cream, or the second pizza, or both. It helps to assuage feelings of loneliness, sadness, and melancholy.

We have seen in movies tropes where the lead character is eating a kilogram of pasta on the day following a break-up, inevitably gaining a lot of Kummerspeck in the months that followed.

Getting consumed by feelings is an experience few can explain. Consumption of food during grief causes natural satiety hormones to release, which is how our body keeps us fueled and energized.

But to really understand how important eating your grief away and what Kummerspeck is, here’s the thing — it doesn’t matter how delicious food tastes. It has more of finding comfort than hunger.

People of all walks have various ways to express their grief, and some use food to channel their grief, and sometimes the price to pay is weight gain, sad fat, or kummerspeck.

Restoring balance as one grieves takes time.

I am letting my kummerspeck or grief bacon stay on a little longer. It is all part of my grieving process. When I am ready, I know what I will do, go back to the way I was eating before.

Still, maybe, for now, this is what I need to find comfort where I can. Judge me not for it; perhaps it’s food today and could be something else tomorrow.

All of us grieve in our way and let the people like me.

In the end, I need to love myself in whatever body shape I am in because as that viral line Visionin the TV series WandaVision said,

What is grief if not love persevering?

Notes

The key to understanding grief is realizing that no one experiences the same thing. Grief is very personal, and you may feel something different every time. You may need several weeks, or grief may be years long.

If you decide you need help coping with the feelings and changes, a mental health professional is a good resource for vetting your feelings and finding a sense of assurance in these very heavy and weighty emotions. — Healthline

Some things you can ask a mental health professional are:

• Why does kummerspeck happen after a bereavement?
• Grief and overeating.
• The long-term effects of grief and overeating.
• Managing grief and overeating.
• Learn to tell the difference between physical and emotional hunger.
• Support with emotional overeating.