What does it mean when someone says “I cannot be whole without you”?

The cause may be a factor of disorder. Individuals from the Cluster B spectrum often have this emptiness that they describe. Essentially, some people are missing a part of themselves from when they were made to abandon some aspect of self. They feel it, it’s an emptiness or void that radiates pain out like the invisible gasses surging around a black hole.

There is a black hole in each individual that had to mortgage some aspect of themselves in exchange for safety or acceptance from their primary caregivers. As a result of this deal with the devil, these people had one of two paths to choose.

One they could become the loveable, self-sacrificing people pleaser or option two they could become obsessed with meeting their own wants and needs and focus on themselves with an overall hyper intensity that rivals all others.

In either case, they will feel this emptiness or this void within and to some it will be agonizing. It was the price they had to pay for approval, validation, and acceptance when it became clear that their parents had no desire to meet any of the emotional needs of the child unless it was convenient for them. So, as children they stopped acting and pursuing the things that they liked in favor of whatever actions got them positive attention and caring.

These people go around trying to fill that void with whatever they can toss at it which will ease the suffering it causes them. There are different ways that the hole can be filled:

• They can attack someone who is having success and sabotage them in secret. Successfully doing this will stop a lot of pain for a while for those who can recharge that way.
• They focus only on what they want, and they buy everything and spoil themselves rotten. They’ll expect anyone to be a servant, a parrot, or a cheerleader. They fill the void with attention.
• Then there is another group that fills the void with love. They try to fill it by grabbing onto someone who is similar to the very people that put that black hole in them, and they enmesh with this person. It feels so good to be whole and they far too easily absorb the other person twisting their souls up and welding them together. They fill their void with true love — until the demons come knocking.
• Then there are some that fill the void with alcohol or drugs to numb that emotional pain enough that they can feel at peace enough that they don’t feel to be in agony 24/7

It’s that third category that answers this question. It means that they have enmeshed with you so tightly that for you to not be together creates an emotional pain and scaring that is ten times more hurtful than a broken heart.

It’s the most agonizing pain a person can go through, and it sits on top of a trauma that sees this person virtually addicted to their mate because they operate so much real-estate in that person’s mind. That is, all they think about is their other half.

The truth is, they really feel whole by being with you. It’s just a temporary phenomenon though and inevitably that feeling of being whole will start to give away to that black hole which is forever sucking anything into it which crosses the event horizon.

The event horizon is like the outer layer of the black hole. It’s the point where the gravitational pull from the black hole is so strong that not even light can escape from it. Once something crosses that plain there is no chance of escape.

When something finally happens because this person is triggered, they will realize that the feeling of emptiness is returning which will trigger more emotional dysregulation. That moment is the same moment that their spouse realizes that they crossed the event horizon and there is no going back. They are attached and they are in for a terrible ride that ends with being crushed within that black hole.