What Does a Seventyish Woman Who Has Been Married Fiftyish Years to a Man Who Adores Her Cooking Do When She’s Sick to Death of Cooking?

When running away is not an option

I suppose I could don a disguise and run off to the nearest wine-bar and sip cocktails while my husband tried to find me to make dinner. But then I’d likely overdo it and end up being driven home by a well-meaning stranger who would need to be fed, too. Such is the life of a cook.

This story is written from the viewpoint of a person who is responsible for making meals in the home. When I was growing up it was usually a woman. Now, of course, sometimes the husband is the primary cook, or the partner. Sometimes couples start out dividing up the chores in different ways. In my life, I was the one. So, please take the gender references calmly, knowing that the problem may exist, regardless of your gender, when you overdose on cooking as I have.

I have loved to cook all of my life and there are reasons for it. For many years it was the best way for me to be creative. I love to eat. I had a family to feed. My husband had a job and I didn’t, so I did the cooking, which I loved to do. I had a catering business, I had a home bakery. I love cookbooks, reading and writing them, I love giving cooking lessons, even better if they are recorded for an audience. I am kind of a show off in the kitchen. Anyway, I am just coming to grips with the reality that I have been really sick of cooking, especially for cooking the same things I’ve always cooked, for several years now. What to do?

My husband has been quietly complaining about this change in me. He is distressed that I don’t love cooking and making huge feasts for company so much now. He is uncertain now about signing me up for anything culinary. A wise man.

My husband is not unable to cook basic things, but would certainly prefer that I do the creative part. He’s willing to peel garlic or chop up vegetables or hand me things, but the knowledge and skill at cooking are mine and he prefers to sit and talk to me and listen to music and drink wine while I work the magic.

Unfortunately, that is beginning to get on my nerves and I’m starting to knock him about with a sharp “and what are you going to do to help if I make all that for you?” He obliges, usually. He knows he has no defense for drinking wine and laughing at me while I work at something I don’t want to do but am doing at his request.

But his help is usually half-assed. He doesn’t really complete the tasks, tries to do as little as possible. You’ve seen that haven’t you? The passive aggressive helper. Well, I don’t want to call him names. He just isn’t into it, except for the eating and entertaining part. He can set the table and move things (and, of course, he does all the required husband things like removing ants and mice and all manner of dead and yucky and too heavy things) but most of the cooking falls on my lap.

Of course, you say, just go out to eat. Buy take out. Get the pre-roasted chicken and the mashed potatoes in a bag at the grocery store. Nobody else worries about home cooking. Most people have a far lower cooking bar than you, just make do with canned sweet potatoes and deli meats. People do it all the time.

Well, I just can’t. It would be too far off course for me. I am a determined organic, home-made, make-it-completely-from-scratch cook at heart. I also hate to waste ingredients and try really hard to use things up that I buy or that we grow on the farm. I would rather not sell my soul while getting out of this task. So, I have a dilemma.

I’m not the only one

Believe me, I am not the only older woman who is sick of making meals. After 20 years of marriage, if you eat out two meals a week, which is a good average for me, you will have to create 5,220 dinners. At 51 years, I am at 13,000 dinners alone. Not counting breakfasts and lunches. Awesome figure isn’t it? Can you blame women for being tired of the responsibility for all of that.

Thinking about my determination not to spend all my time cooking, I realized that I have actually changed how I cook this past year and it seems to be working pretty well. I just need to nail down — what is it that I have done differently? How can I explain it so that other people can use it, too?

I have had to work around a number of different rules: my own scruples about quality and not wasting food, my husband’s cravings, the garden and greenhouse production, the season, my work schedule, my play schedule, my energy level, my outside interests, my changing diet, my husband’s differently changing diet. So many factors. What am I doing now that seems to be taking less time and minimizing those feelings of being trapped by an obligation.

Mildred’s Supper Plan

I have always laughed at my mom’s super easy supper strategy. She would often have exactly 30 minutes to get supper on the table. My dad required the meal to be ready when he arrived home at 5 pm each week day. Mom was often busy with three young children and her thousand other chores. When she noticed the clock heading for 4:30 she would enlist my help.

“Quick, Jeanie, peel the potatoes while I start the pork chops.”

I would peel furiously; she would brown the meat of the day and dump a can of vegetables into a pan to warm. Some days she even fit in a quick batch of Jello pudding for dessert. My mom was a champion.

In the time it takes to dump a can of something into a pot, you can cut up a bunch of broccoli to start steaming or sauteeing. Most seafood, burgers, thin cuts of pork, chicken parts all cook fairly quickly. A half hour is not a bad amount of prep time, so mom wasn’t so far off. I’ve found that many meals can be put together in this amount of time. If I want to do something lengthier I start it after breakfast. That way, I don’t need to worry about thinking too hard at supper time.

A few specific ideas about what’s changed:

I cook foods

• that are good for us, (usually simpler, too)
• that we enjoy eating,
• that don’t take much initial preparation or can be started early
• that use up ingredients that are in season, or plentiful or ingredients in the freezer or refrigerator that need to be used to prevent wasting them
• are interesting in some way with different ingredients or techniques

I plan ahead at least a few days, if not a week or more.

I often cook a roast on the weekend and several side dishes that can make up part of meals during the week. I make big batches of beans, lentils, greens and freeze in meal-size portions. I usually cook with leftovers in mind and I make a reasonable effort to use them up.

I try to plan on treats as well as healthy meals. Eating is one way we have fun and having fun is healthy, right??? So I occasionally make a cake or batch of cookies, or a special bread. Sometimes the main dish is a treat, too. Today, deviled clams will be our Friday night treat.

I buy ingredients that I use all the time and keep stocked up on them (in case of another lockdown).

I look for new recipes and try one whenever I have an opportunity, a family dinner or birthday or holiday. It helps to counteract boredom. When I can change things every time I cook, I feel creative instead of cramped.

I cook when I am feeling up for it: when the dishes are done in the morning, the kitchen looks ready to go and I have extra energy and an extra bit of time before my schedule begins, I often feel like starting something- more fun with little pressure. Then at dinner time, I need only 15 – 20 minutes of actual cooking time to get a meal together.

I freeze extras with an eye to future meals. I keep a supply of beans, lentils, greens, broth, tomato sauce, etc in the freezer all the time. If I get low, I make more.

One of the most important changes is that I am also setting limits. I try to cook what my husband wants often just to make him happy. Just because I like him and like to do little kindnesses for him. But if he asks for something at the last minute or when I’m harried or tired I just as often say “No, but you could make it if you want.” Believe me, I do not feel guilty any more.

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