HUMOR
What Do You Think a Magic Fly Might Be?
Where my warped brain went with this innocent question
This conversation actually happened
Hubby (standing in another room in the house): Do you know what a Magic Fly is?
Me: Huh?
Hubby: I’ve got a product registration card here for a Magic Fly, but I don’t know what a Magic Fly is. Do you?
Me (walking into the other room, then looking at the card): No
Hubby: Magic Fly, Magic Fly…. I can’t think what that could be, can you?
Me: Well — I can think what it COULD be.
Hubby: What?
Me — pausing, wondering if I should say what has entered my mind. A smile creeps onto my face.
Hubby: What?
Hubby — recognizing my silly streak: You aren’t going to say something stupid, are you? Like it’s something for people who can’t remember to zip their fly when they leave the bathroom?
Me (snorting with laughter): Yes, that was what I was thinking.
I walk back to my laptop and Google ‘Magic Fly.’ There’s a Magic Fly paint set that looks a lot like something in our basement. That is probably where the product registration card came from. The product information on my screen is no match for my imagination.
Now For What a ‘Magic Fly’ COULD Be
In response to a MuddyUm Writers’ Prompt, here is a fictional advertisement and FAQ’s for what a ‘Magic Fly’ COULD be.
Magic Fly Enterprises is pleased to announce pants whose fly zips up automatically. Never again will you be caught walking around with your fly undone. No matter how many times you use the bathroom and forget to zip up your pants, Magic Fly will zip it for you.
Magic Fly pant prices start at $349. They are carried at premium clothing stores throughout the world. For additional details, read our FAQ’s below.
FAQ’s
Question: If the Magic Fly automatically zips up, how do I keep the zipper down long enough to use the bathroom?
Answer: To use, press a zipper release button at the top of Magic Fly. This allows you to unzip the zipper. A motion sensor will detect when you are ‘done with your business’ and will automatically zip your fly up at that time.
Question: What if I am going to the bathroom on a train or plane? Could the motion detector sense the motion and begin to close while I am still ‘doing my business’?
Answer: Extensive product testing allows the Magic Fly to recognize human motion patterns. This is similar to how a step counter in your phone counts your steps. In the unfortunate case that your Magic Fly closes prematurely while you are still ‘doing your business,’ you are entitled to a full product refund plus $100 to cover any personal damages from wet clothing or injured private parts.
Question: Isn’t $100 a small compensation for these injuries? Why would anyone take that risk?
Answer: The risk of a Magic Fly closing at an inopportune time is very low. The risk of someone over the age of 40, wearing regular pants, walking out of the bathroom with unzipped pants is substantial. Walking around with your underwear showing from an unzipped fly can damage both career and social life. Individuals should consider all these risks before accepting the Terms and Conditions of Magic Fly.
Question: What about the snap or button at the top of my pants?
Answer: Magic Fly Enterprises is working on solving this problem too. But, a National Health Institute study found over 90% of people who had forgotten to zip up their pants had remembered to do the button or snap above the zipper.
Question: Why would the National Health Institute conduct a study about people’s zippers and pants?
Answer: Because the government is run by people who have trouble remembering to zip their pants after using the bathroom.
Question: Can I still pull up the zipper myself? Could I use the Magic Fly as a backup system?
Answer: Absolutely! In fact, we encourage you to continue to pull up the zipper yourself, as the Magic Fly system will only begin pulling up the zipper after you have taken 3 or 4 steps. This means there is some chance it will still be zipping as you approach the sink, possibly a negative in a public bathroom. Magic Fly is only designed to ensure that your fly is zipped before you leave the bathroom.
Question: At $349 per Magic Fly, this clothing is too expensive for the average person. Why is it so expensive?
Answer: The advanced electronics, including motion-detection algorithms and waterproofing to go in a washing machine, drive our price point. Magic Fly Enterprises is working hard to drive our costs down, but there is a limit to our magic.
Question: Does your company offer any less expensive solutions to this problem?
Answer: Yes. We offer pull-up pants, men’s and women’s, with a full elastic waistband.
We also offer pull-up pants in fake-fly versions.
Our fake-fly pull-up pants have a permanently closed zipper and fly in their front and are almost indistinguishable from regular pants, as shown below.
Magic Fly Enterprises believes in making the world a better place and hopes we have brought a smile to your face.
