Middle-Pause Pump-Priming Prompt

What Constitutes Gossip? Do We Talk With Each Other or About Each Other?

And why is that distinction important?

This came up after church today.

At fellowship, I sat right next to a soft-spoken friend I’ll call Becky who’s in the middle of a long journey with breast cancer.

Her approach has been to use the most natural, least invasive treatments possible. Especially at the beginning.

For which I applaud and support her. Even though that’s made her journey longer than most.

But not everyone’s on that page.

Some, including perhaps even me, might opt for more drastic measures, up to and including mastectomy and/or chemotherapy with its strong side effects.

My friend is happy to share what’s going on with her. How her most recent surgery went well and her left side feels good. But there’s pain in her right shoulder from metastasized cancer cells. Ah, isn’t that like life to offer the bitter along with the sweet?

Inquiring minds want to know.

It just so happened that every time Becky left our courtyard patio, another friend, who I’ll call Rosa, would ask, What’s going on with her?

And I found myself saying, I don’t really know.

Why did I do that?

I sensed a vibe I wasn’t comfortable with. I sensed a wanting to talk about her, rather than with her. After all, Becky was sitting at the very same table the whole time. And talking about her issues, albeit softly. To be fair, Rosa is hard of hearing and doesn’t always wear her hearing aids. This could explain why her voice is loud. Her hearing.

But Becky’s not shy.

If anything, she wants folks to know so that if she needs to call on them for help or support, they’ll be in the loop. She may need a ride when she’s in too much pain to drive. Or a meal when she doesn’t have the strength to cook.

When she got ready to ride her bike home, I asked her if that was painful. She said no because the handlebars are close together. She can keep her elbows at her sides, and not aggravate her sore shoulder. After that, she said her goodbyes and cycled off into the breezy afternoon.

Then Rosa spoke up again.

She really wanted to know what happened to Becky. But I’m wondering how could she be in the same, very small community and not know? But she claimed she did not.

I told Rosa in broad strokes and a very soft voice that Becky’s dealing with cancer and recently had a successful procedure on her left side. I didn’t go into specifics for two reasons. One, I didn’t feel it was my place. And two, I was not sure why Rosa was asking. Especially when she had every opportunity to ask Becky face-to-face moments before.

In a way, I’m glad she did not.

Because I was afraid it would be more of a What’s happening? or What’s wrong with you? question. Rather than a How are you and do you need anything? question.

It felt almost like gossip.

I know that sounds harsh, but it felt self-centered rather than friend-centered on Rosa’s part. Why did she want and need to know? Because nobody had told her? Did she ask Becky directly when she had a chance? Nope. So what’s up with that?

I’m baffled. And concerned about the comfort and safety of our church community circles.

Which brings me to this week’s Middle-Pause Pump-Priming Prompt: What constitutes gossip? Do we talk with each other or about each other? And why is that distinction important?

I’ll add a few more ideas to the mix:

The Cambridge Dictionary defines gossip as: conversation or reports about other people’s private lives that might be unkind, disapproving, or not true.

So asking to know about Becky’s cancer may not technically be gossip. But it felt to me like prying. If Rosa had asked Becky with the same tone of voice she asked us about her, it may have come across as insensitive and unkind. Curiosity for curiosity’s sake. I am so glad she didn’t.

If and when Rosa does approach Becky, I hope she does it gently. If she asks her the way she asked us, she may not get the information she’s looking for. She may even get rebuked, which would hurt her since she doesn’t seem to get it.

There’s a wise adage that says, if you can’t say something to my face, then don’t say it at all. Talking about folks behind their back is how rumors get started. And creates an us vs. them vibe. Not something that matches our intentions and values as a spiritual community.

So enough from me. It’s your turn.

Again the Pump-Primping Prompt: What constitutes gossip? Do we talk with each other or about each other? And why is that distinction important?

Do you have a story on this topic? Or some comments and observations? Feel free to comment on my example. I may be completely out of line.

What do you think? We look forward to hearing from you!

Marilyn Flower is a sacred fool who writes every day — fiction, poetry, and blogs — inspired by a process called SoulCollage®. She’s the author of Creative Blogging and Bucket Lister: Get Your Brave On. Follow her Sacred Foolishness or SoulCollage® for Writers, and Stay in touch!