What Choice Do You Have When You Feel Like You Are Trapped By Fear

I had a water phobia. I found help and chose to face it with a team

Have you ever felt you are trapped by fear? Something that you know you need to overcome but the work and pain are too much and you choose to avoid it. You can’t see you can get through to the other side and you endure the less-than-ideal life for a long time.

Yeah, I have been there for decades. But I quit being trapped by fear. I chose to face and confront it.

Thanks to AJ’s inspiring article on choosing to conquer his fear of flying (see link below), he prompted me to write this article to share with you.

I did not like anything to do with water activities. I did not like swimming, water skiing, water polo, diving, ocean cruising, or boat-fishing, except watermelon (excuse for the pun). I had a water phobia and would not even go anywhere close to water. I only walked the beach far away from the water.

It all changed in 2009. After I recovered from depression, I picked up long-distance running and cycling. I heard about the Ironman triathlon. It is an event that involves completing three different disciplines in the same event, swimming 2.4 miles (3.8km), biking 112 miles (180km), and running 26 miles (42km). I went to volunteer at an Ironman race at the swim/bike transition and saw the athletes up close and personal. They all came in different sizes and shapes. When they finished their swim, they wore a smile that captivated me. It was full of purpose, energy and joy. More than a thousand of them came through and off they went on their bikes.

Part of me was very inspired by their commitment and part of me was very puzzled about why they signed up for this almost humanly impossible event. I was so curious that I stayed until midnight to see most of the athletes cross the finish line. I witnessed the event volunteers, hundreds of supporting crowds, and athletes’ support crew and families gather around to cheer and congratulate their beloved Ironman athletes. The atmosphere was amazing. At that moment, everyone had only one purpose. I witnessed every soul united in one human spirit. We cheered and did our best to help every single athlete cross the finish line.

I saw exhausted athletes embracing their families, hand-shaking and hugging with fellow athletes. There were a few emotional scenes. It was incredible.

Wow, I wished I could be one of these athletes but I could not.

I did not know how to swim and worse, I had water phobia!

However, completing an Ironman triathlon was planted in my soul. In 2010, I started to learn to swim but I was going nowhere. It was more like I was dabbling in a shadow swimming pool. The same year I was a support crew for my friend Gilles to complete his Ironman triathlon. It was a memorable experience for both of us. I was very honored to be part of his Ironman journey.

In May 2010, I signed up for the Ironman triathlon New Zealand 2011. I asked Gilles to coach and teach me to swim.

The swimming began with a gentle training session in a 25-meter pool doing laps. It was happy on the shallow end of the pool. I could stand and my foot could touch the bottom, but not so on the other end, it was one foot taller than me! I was very nervous whenever I swam towards the deeper end of the pool. I had to use the lane where I could see the edge of the pool so I could hang on to something. No way I could use the middle lane. I did not trust the plastic lane dividers.

I was very grateful for being there at 6 am at the pool. I was still very slow, with poor technique and very uncomfortable with water deeper than my height. I guessed at least I made a start of facing my fear.

After a couple of months, Gilles took me to a longer pool, 33 meters. He said a longer pool would help me build my endurance and momentum. I liked that pool better. I could stand on my feet and my head was above water! I made better progress on that pool.

I knew the dreaded time would come to swim in open water. The Ironman triathlon is not held in a swimming pool!

Gilles said I had to swim in a 50-meter pool with a deep end of 4.4 meters! I did not like the sound of that. Anything deep in water is a nightmare!

Well, the D-Day came. I was scheduled to swim 10 laps in this 50-meter pool. I knew I had to try. This was part of the learning and training. So off I went.

I tried to stay calm at the beginning. Halfway through the pool, I saw the floor move away from me rapidly. Oh no, I was only halfway and I lost all the security.

Floor, please come back!

I wanted to hold on to something and stop. But I could not. There was nothing to hold on to. I was in the middle of the pool. I had to calm down and keep swimming. I had to use all my know-how to get myself to the end of the pool. I was counting my strokes in my head as a distraction from my fear. It seemed like forever but I reached the end of the pool. I stretched my arm and tried to find something to hold on to but the edge of that darn pool was too high. I found nothing to grab apart from the plastic lane dividers on the side. Oh dear! It struggled to hold on to it and took a while to settle.

I knew I still had another 9 laps to swim. I took a few deep breaths and swam back to the shallow end. I finished that swimming session utterly exhausted.

After a few days, I told Gilles I would never go back to that pool again.

It was close to November and I had a half Ironman distance triathlon event to complete as part of my Ironman training. I only had a month but my swimming was nowhere close to being ready. I did not see I could finish this half-Ironman event and had serious doubts about the Ironman event in four months. I had to face the reality that my current training was not enough to prepare me for these events. I had to call it a day. I withdrew from both events. It was a relief mentally from my fear but I also felt like a failure.

I felt terrible and defeated.

In May 2011, I was very unsettled with my Ironman failure. It was an unfinished business. I knew I did not have to do this but I kept hearing a voice in my head saying I needed to attempt it again. This time needed to get a coach and a team of support crew.

Yes, that was what I did. I swallowed my pride and asked for help. I got two coaches, a swim coach and an overall triathlon coach. After a few phone calls and coffee sessions, I gathered a team of 13 crew members. They looked after my logistics, nutrition, training and mental health. I received many doses of encouragement when I most needed it.

Gilles was away overseas for a few months and I found Bruce, who would train with me with my swim and agreed to attempt a half-Ironman triathlon together.

I was so pleased that my swim coach Rebecca corrected my technique and I swam better and faster. The crucial time was one day in October when Bruce and I were scheduled to swim in an open saltwater 50-meter pool. The tricky part was this pool has a depth of 2.2 meters all the way!

I put on my wetsuit very slowly. I was processing positive thinking in my head to fence off my fear. When I tiptoed to the edge of the pool, I stared at the water and stayed frozen.

Bruce looked at me and said, “I know this is difficult. I assure you that you can do this. You have a wetsuit on and you will float. I am here and you are safe. You want to complete the Ironman triathlon, don’t you?”

I knew Brice was right. It was up to me, now or never…

I let go of the rail and let myself go into the pool. I closed my eyes for a few seconds. When I opened them I realized I float and the water was only up to my chest even my feet could not touch the floor. It was an amazing feeling. I learned to tread water. I was finally free from my phobia!

I swam 20 laps with joy. I was never the same.

I was free.

Thank you, Bruce. We completed the half-Ironman distance triathlon. I came out last on my swim leg but I made it through an open water swim.

In 2012, I completed Ironman New Zealand 2012, a storm-affected race. The whole event had to be cut into half-distance. The water was very choppy but I managed to finish.

What a freedom of knowing that I can swim! This opens a new wide world. With this newfound confidence, I changed my defeating self-belief of being a woman-repellent, I found my beautiful Gabrielle. Guess what we chose for our honeymoon? A round New Zealand ocean cruise.

There is more. I changed from finding it difficult to connect to people to actively building relationships, personally and professionally. I write the names of the people I want to connect with on my weekly planner.

We don’t have to be trapped by our fear. We can overcome them. It is up to us. What do you choose?

I am grateful to all the people who walked with me.

AJ inspired me with his decision to overcome his fear of flying.