Can You Control What to Think, How to Respond and What to Do

When something bad happens during the day

When something bad happens during a day, you are stunned, and then after a few seconds, you notice what has happened and what you can do about it.

There are always people involved when you feel bad about something. It is either you or somebody other than you.

A simple reaction may be to lash back if you can. You can yell at the person — or you can send some angry emails or text messages. But it is the most basic response. You already know everything about this kind of response and where it leads.

Anybody can get angry — you can do better than that. You are not a slave to your emotions. It is hard to develop self-control, but you can try.

If you can wait for a few minutes, your mind can process the event more clearly. You can see how it was coming, and you had some idea that it might happen.

Life offers no guarantees.

When you realize that you had an idea that this sort of thing might happen in your line of work or your type of life, you can calm down a little. At this point, you may be able to see how it has happened to other people before you.

You can see that it is knit into the fabric of society, or you are interacting with a subculture where people misbehave at times.

After a night’s sleep, you could develop a deeper understanding of what happened to you. At this point, you may be able to see how you are responsible for what happened to you — though it is not easy. But if it is not your fault, you can see more clearly who was responsible.

What is the best way to respond when something awful happens to you? It is not lashing out, and it is not feeling victimized.

What is the right response

The right response is to recognize your self-worth and take a deep breath. Recognize at that very instant that nobody guaranteed that only good things are going to happen to you.

You must not say or do anything that you later regret.

You are important

Your wellbeing is your top priority, and you should do everything possible to protect yourself from bad things. You should not sit silent, but you should not shout at the top of your voice either.

Don’t let your self-esteem suffer

If you lash out — and it was your fault — it will lower your self-esteem. If you did not do anything at all, it is going to make you feel like a victim.

Playing a victim never helps. It only aggravates problems in the long run.

A plan of what to do

You have to come up with a plan. Take as much time as you need — hours, days, weeks. Think about something you can do about what happened that it does not recur in the future.

Write down your strategy in the form of points.

Take your time

Don’t force yourself to write anything. Let the points come to you in their own time. Your mind will ultimately design a strategy to preserve your self-respect.

If you want to understand the reasons behind this slowly developing strategy, you must know that our subconscious mind observes things in much more detail.

Initially, when we are angry, our primitive brain hijacks our reasoning brain. But after some time, our higher brain regains control. When the higher brain functions are back in charge, the conscious mind can communicate more effectively with the subconscious.

The subconscious is not in your control. When it has resolved an aspect of the issue, it will send a thought to your higher brain. You have to capture that thought and write it down.

When the entire issue is resolved — your subconscious mind will send a thought to your higher brain that everything is taken care of — you’ll have a step-wise list to do what you need to do.

What is in your step-wise list

Your step-wise list would be unique to you. But if it tells you to hit somebody or hurt someone, it is not a list to follow. It means that you are still angry and you have not spent enough time to write the steps.

What if your list tells you to confront someone and say bad things to them? No, this is not the right list.

Your list should consist of practical steps to resolve the underlying problem.

A case study: Your boss said that your performance was not good enough. For you, this is a bad thing that can ruin your day. Your first response can be to talk back or to resign or to punch your boss in the face. But if you recognize your worth and take a deep breath, you can move on to the next phase. Understand that it is a part of the job. It happens to millions of people daily. Then take time to prepare your step-wise list. The list may tell you to complete your college degree, apply for another job opening, or summon the courage to launch your own startup before you confidently walk into your boss’s office with a resignation letter and a smile on your face.

Ask yourself these questions

When something unpleasant happens — and you react uncontrollably towards it — ask yourself these question and think about your answers:

• Why did I act uncontrollably?
• Was my behavior appropriate?
• Did my response hurt my self-image and lower my self-esteem?
• Would I like to repeat this kind of attitude in the future?
• What triggered my angry reaction?
• What should I do in the future to avoid such situations?

If you think about your answers, it will give you greater awareness of your internal thought process. Just by knowing what triggers your reaction, you can try to change your self-sabotaging behavior in the future.

When we don’t control our responses, we are simply not ourselves.

Conclusion

The reason for many fights — and many unpleasant incidents — is that people do not know how to respond when something lousy happens to them during the day. They react as if they have no control.

Emotional intelligence tells us how our normal brain functions can be hijacked by our primitive brain when something terrible happens. Our ability to think clearly is restored after some time when our mind comes back online.

Switching from anger to calmness takes time. If you understand this, you can observe your behavior next time. This understanding gives you the sense to guide your thoughts, speech, and actions until you can resolve the main issue.

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