What Can We Learn From Emotional Abuse In A Relationship?

Let’s take the expression ‘emotional abuse’ under inspection. What does it exactly mean? It is definitely a process what undergoes in the shadows and one can not necessarily identify it when in the midst of it. If we take its official definition we can stumble across the comment:

“Psychological abuse, often called emotional abuse, is a form of abuse, characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder”

Emotional or psychological abuse certainly is a personal experience and differs for all individuals experiencing it. Some fragments, parts, words and actions are however mutual in all the shared impressions. Here are some key elements that are crucial to watch out for in a toxic relationship.

Lies

Imagine the scenario: a person looks deeply in your eyes and tells you a tender story. A certain, inexplicable deep connection sets its roots in our souls and our future reactions, thoughts and actions will depend on this deep foundation that was built in these moment. We experience purity, love and something otherworldly. A connection deepens in a profound, spiritual level. After the bond had been established and a long while have passed something utterly surprising floats to the surface: lies. An action that frightens us deeply and profoundly shakes us. The realization that we lived a long time next to a person who placed us in a cradle and rocked us with falsehoods hits us hard. In that particular moment one comes to the conclusion that something isn’t and wasn’t right. A specific earmark of these untruths are left at our disposal without any significant or clear explanation. We are simply deserted with the darkening feeling that was present from the beginning of our relationship: something isn’t right, and we can’t explain what it is. We begin to develop and strengthen our already existing uncertainty. We understand that our jealousy wasn’t for naught as attention had been redirected from us ‘the center of their lives’ to other insignificant members of our sex. We can no longer establish trust towards our partner, for he/she has played the cards with lies and mild affairs. Those lies that will appear long after the relationship has ended can hurt even more. We begin to understand as we crawl back to our cave wounded - we gave ourselves to a person who we do not even know and surely, never will.

Manipulation

This part is the one that hits the hardest and is the most difficult to fight against. When the manipulation of words, actions and thoughts are turned against us we feel as lost as a needle in the hay. When the act of manipulation turns towards our family and friends we wholeheartedly feel like a lost case, overran and conquered by someone who knows exactly how and what to say to people around us. Our partner begins to explain to us that we are in a certain way and even corrects our feelings. When we pour our hearts out to him/her, the reaction is not empathy or understanding, but an overwrite of our own feelings. We are being told that this is not how we truly feel. Our spoken words and actions are turned upside down and their purpose and meaning is greatly sabotaged. Our abuser starts to involve him/herself in our family’s and friend’s circle, while we are being left out of his/hers. Our partner knows exactly how to appeal to even the toughest of personalities in our surrounding loved circle as we stumble upon the sight of our abuser continuing deep conversations with our sister to whom we haven't spoken for 15 years. Family or friends, all of them are convinced that this person is a good person and does us good. Which perhaps is the truth in some form or way, but we do know that in fact our abuser says and shows those words and faces to people what they exactly want to see and hear. Fright fills our lungs and we no longer breathe out air, but pure fear. Desperation takes over. We feel alone and strangled.

Developing Panic & Anxiety

When oppressed feelings erupt to the surface and something dark and hidden sees the light we can prepare for an overwhelming manifestation of emotions. In vulnerable situations, such as crying, sorrow or self-harm we are left alone. Our so called partner is in the same physical space as we are, but the reaction to our suffering in plain indifference from their side. After our first episode of panic attack accompanied by seizures and severe breathing difficulties we understand the fact, that we are no longer safe, in fact, we never really were. Panic attacks and anxiety arises and we develop symptoms that are utterly new to us. The night, flooded by horrid nightmares, our chest tight and painful at all times. We are in the verge of having a seizure when it comes to arguments. And arguments are at this point are daily, and we find ourselves trying to sleep on the cold floor instead on the bed next to our partner. A phenomenon appears again during these stretched situations: indifference. Since we no longer feel supported, understood, accepted, appreciated and taken care of, our newly risen mental illnesses are surely well embedded. These moments, days, months and in highly difficult cases — years, a person, seemingly stable can be so distorted and driven to the edge of madness that it can result in unspeakable actions. In extremely difficult cases of emotional abuse which a person cannot continue nor terminate he/she can try to exit the situation by attempting suicide. This can occur when the abused party have been completely detached from his/her personality and have lost concepts of things. An abused person will highly: lose track with family & friends, lose track with his/herself, will try to appeal to the abuser in any way, will sacrifice his/her own well being, will lose concept of things such as safety, caring, love, appreciation, understanding, reliability and self-awareness. An abused person will most likely lose self-confidence and will sink into self-blame. After all, all the incoming emotional abuse arrives from a person that we dearly love and are hopelessly vulnerable and exposed to emotionally. When we have arrived to the point when we no longer can predict what our partner will say how he/she will act and what will happen next we have lost track and support permanently. After all, we do not look at our partner as an enemy from whom we have to seek defense, but someone who supposedly stands by our side. And as we are being told that they cannot live without us, at the same time our hearts and guts are pierced with bleeding blades by them.

Questioning Actions And Words

After a period of endless explanations, excuses and stories that we force ourselves to accept, we stumble upon a new realization: we can see our partner expressing to us majorly meaningful emotions, stories and personal interpretations — then in a very short period of time he/she changes his/her mind. This stage normally develops in the end of the relationship where we no longer can rely on spoken words, nor on actions. We are being thrown from one extreme to the other. In one hour we are being told that very distinctive phrase such as ‘I can’t live without you.’ accompanied with a dose of begging for our forgiveness. During this phase our already shattered soul starts to soften up and we feel immediate empathy and sorrow towards our partner. Only, for this feeling of ours to be sabotaged a few hours later with a ‘Hold on, I haven’t done anything wrong, I can explain it, and you have to work on yourself too!’ When we are confronted with shifting from emotional statement A to B, then back and forth again, we realize that we are not dealing with Mr. Bilbo Baggins who goes back and forth again, but we are coping with a person who’s severely damaged. In this process we can no longer keep up with the shifts of our partner’s mind, as we understand that the trouble that they experience in the inside, are gravely greater from what appears on the outside. In order to keep up with the changes of the tides we had to sacrifice our mental health. In this period, our clearance and sheer judging abilities are long gone. We have lost track of our own prudence. It is time to reconsider our retreat from this flaming coexistence.

Codependence

A relationship that is codependent, certainly is not a healthy one. We speak of such relationship, when all what we do is dependent of our partner’s reaction. According to healthline.com these are the signs and considerations that should be taken into account:

“ You might be codependent if you:

are unhappy in the relationship, but fear alternatives
consistently neglect your own needs for the sake of theirs
ditch friends and sideline your family to please your partner
frequently seek out your partner’s approval
critique yourself through your abuser’s eyes, ignoring your own instincts
make a lot of sacrifices to please the other person, but it’s not reciprocated
would rather live in the current state of chaos than be alone
bite your tongue and repress your feelings to keep the peace
feel responsible and take the blame for something they did
defend your abuser when others point out what’s happening
try to “rescue” them from themselves
feel guilty when you stand up for yourself
think you deserve this treatment
believe that nobody else could ever want to be with you
change your behavior in response to guilt; your abuser says, “I can’t live without you,” so you stay ”

To our original question as how can we learn from a relationship of this kind the answer is rather tricky. One thing is certain. An article will not tell you what to learn and how to act. Suggestions can be spread across, such as practicing self-awareness and a desperate trial of listening to our instincts arises. A truly abusive relationship can be assessed thoroughly only when it has come to an end. In the end everything can lead back to us and to our image of ourselves. To seek refuge, love and appreciation surely, should stem from our insides. The lessons concluded from an abusive relationship are mainly personal and can be withdrawn with the assistance of — time. If we look at abuse from a wider and more open perspective we can understand that to abuse not just the damaged ones are capable. Abuse can be performed from the sub-conscious and can be done without any awareness of it from the abuser’s side. An abusive person is not necessarily a bad person, simply he or she is just not good to us. This person perhaps is just not ready to establish any healthy human connections. To these assumptions, thoughts we will never find solid answers and should refrain from seeking them. For the sake of our own mental state and sensibility. Coming out from any sort of coexistence that have caused us great suffering, we should grant ourselves the permission to leave permanently. We are after all in charge no matter what the circumstances dictates. Clarity, is what needed, the clearance of dark clouds — is what needed. A step — out from the crushing and suffocating waves — is what needed. A halt on the shore, a glimpse on the chaos — is what needed. If there was any good to remember — remember it, and hold it tenderly. Be grateful for the bloody lessons. Life’s a cruel teacher. Move forward. Keep going in life. As the Buddhist say:

Until life is present, we must face it.