What Can ‘The 40-Year-Old Virgin’ Teach Us About Insecurity and Manhood 15 Years Later?

Apatow’s first feature is still a credible depiction of manhood and friendship

Judd Apatow’s first feature was written for men by men. It isn’t about wonderful love or good sex. It’s about the male insecurity many of us try to hide through crude talk that degrades women; language between men. An internationally accepted code we have embedded in our chromosome that can rarely be tolerated, let alone understood by women.

It isn’t misogyny in the slightest, it’s guy talk. It’s what The Mind of the Married Man (the opposite version of Sex & the City) tried to portray with moderate success. It is what Rescue Me nailed as the best show ever written about the dirtiness and secrecy of men’s souls.

Because it’s true: men are animals.

“There’s an insight and understanding under the surface of ‘The 40-Year-Old Virgin’ that is subtle, but sincere.”— Roger Ebert

David (Paul Rudd’s character) suffers from heartbreak, hopelessly trying to fight his own instinct against love with not much satisfaction. He’s bitter and resentful about his previous girlfriend who left him a while ago, but at the same time, he can’t let her go. Jay (Romany Malco) is the macho alpha male who thinks of himself as a ladies’ man with brilliant pick-up lines. Cal (Seth Rogen) is a practical person with a lot of self-respect and self-awareness.

All three men represent a different type of male, which makes it enjoyable to see their approach attempting to help Andy (Steve Carell) lose his virginity.

Every exchange of dialogue between the four workmates still rings true. As men, we haven’t changed that much after all. We try to seem tough and cool in front of women, but the truth is that we are often shy and introverted behind the deceiving tough-as-nails look. We desire to be as masculine as our working-class grandfathers once were to represent manhood in its rawest form, but usually, we are far from that idolized figure.

We are insecure and sensitive with too much self-awareness. Our values changed and evolved into a different mindset, which sometimes we forget to realize, but for some reason, we still long for a masculine role model, who fought in a war and shot sick horses to end their misery. We are simply afraid to admit that our heart can break from tenderness and we don’t drink tequila shots for breakfast. But that’s okay.

“Andy’s (Steve Carell) strategy for dealing with life is to surround himself with obsessions, including action figures, video games, high-tech equipment, and ‘collectibles,’ a word which, like ‘drinkable,’ never sounds like a glowing endorsement.” — Roger Ebert

Andy is a sort of lame and tedious geek with a huge and caring heart. The average-Joe noticed by barely anyone. None of the aforementioned guys like him particularly until they invite him to play some poker one night, and find out he’s a virgin. Once they’ve learned his secret, things are set on course that will change all of the guy's lives. Andy’s biggest fears are realized when the guys begin to tease him about his virginity; they are men, it’s in their DNA to tease and rag and they don’t disappoint.

What Apatow’s first movie does differently and successfully is that it doesn’t turn the teasing into bullying. Instead, the guys get to know Andy and they genuinely want to help him. Like in life, the movie depicts how friendships between men with vastly different characteristics can often start with bantering and teasing. Sometimes even insulting one another can turn into fellowship. Ironically, the strongest male friendships can grow from dislike; once they realize that Andy has a big heart and, he’s a likable goofball rather than someone they initially thought they couldn’t relate to, they begin to honestly care about him. That’s an almost spotless depiction of how a bond is created among men.

Through Andy’s struggles, they reflect their own beliefs about relationships, heartbreaks, and women in general. It helps them slowly realize their own mistakes and failures, re-think the false ideologies they believe in, and, eventually, overcome their weaknesses. By the end of the film, they develop an equally beneficial and subtle friendship with Andy. That is one of the reasons why The 40-Year-Old Virgin is more about bromance than romance.

Apatow manages to combine comedy and drama that goes hand in hand and colliding into one without unwanted repercussions. It’s an extremely slight and almost unnoticeable transformation that creates a smooth combination of entertainment and self-reflection effortlessly.

Fifteen years later, it still works great because it’s crude and raw at times, but it’s also honest and full of heart. It is a poignant depiction of manhood and insecurity without trying too hard to teach a lesson about vulnerability and awareness. It shows that being shy and introverted doesn’t equate to weakness; and, there are still some times in life when you need to get drunk or wax your hairy chest before you’re allowed to cry: at least if you want to be accepted by other men.

If you’re a big film enthusiast like me, you might want to check out this piece as well:

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