What Brings A Level Of Calm To You?
Are you calm or just acting? Does it matter?
Disclaimer: The following answers a question raised by a reader’s response to the author’s story of change. It is not a professional’s point of view; it is mine based on years of experience. Thank you, Amna Fayyaz, for asking about being calm.
As a youth, I had lots of reasons to be angry. And some say that when I did display anger, it was usually over the top. This would leave those present with the notion that “he has a lot of repressed anger.”
After my parents passed, I was left with a wife, a year-old son, a thirteen, and a fifteen-year-old sibling.
My grandfather knew it was too much at the ripe old age of twenty-one. He stepped up to provide counsel. As part of our initial discussion, he said, “Are you still angry?” I didn’t respond. I don’t think any of us wants to admit to being angry. He said, “DR, do you ever get too mad at someone or something?”
That question I could answer. I said, “Yes, I do. Once I get angry, I keep on going. It does go away, but I must withdraw before it does. I know it’s still there.” He said, “So, you do know you are angry and have a temper?” I responded, “I do, and if I’m honest after I’ve had time to recount the situation, I’m also embarrassed.”
“Well, that’s where we begin.”
My grandfather was a man of few words. I thought for sure, this was going to be the exception. It wasn’t. He leaned back in his oversized reclining chair and said, “You’re just like your dad.” I said, “No, I’m not. He never got mad. He would always state what was upsetting him and then drop it. He would never talk of it again.”
I said, “Grandpa, I admired my dad for the way he dealt with issues, problems, my misbehavior, etc. He always dealt with it on his terms. It didn’t have to be immediately. He sometimes waited hours before engaging me, then slowly turned me towards the issue. Frankly, I always thought of it as a peaceful learning experience. Each time he did that, I remembered what he said and what he counseled.”
Grandpa said, “I want you to think that through. Embodied in your response is the answer to the question of your anger. If you want to stop being angry, then stop. Emotions of calm, anger, joy, love, kindness, and so much more are our own choosing. Ask yourself, how do you want to respond to anything?” And just like that, I had my answer to being the person I wanted to be.
Wait, if you’re thinking that I was never angry, never argued, or was never mad again, you’re wrong. Slowly, I realized that anger never solves a problem. The scale of human emotions is so vast. Like arrows in a quiver, we can use them to point to the problem at hand.
Am I ever stern? Yes. If it’s helpful to make my point. People ask, “Are you mad? My answer is always, “NO. I’m not mad.” (I’m _________ fill in the blank with frustrated, sad, disappointed, discouraged, overwhelmed, disillusioned, or any other response befitting the situation.)
If someone makes me feel angry or mad, I remind myself I’m in control of my emotions. No one can make me feel anything I don’t want. Mad or angry has never helped anyone on the road to being who you want to be.
That takes us right back to the beginning. Who do you want to be? What do you want people to think of you?
At Dancing Elephant Press, our writers tackle many of life’s daily issues. Answers from real-life experiences. It’s not enough to have just experienced something; you must ask, “What can I learn from it?” Please look to our writers to answer with positivity and enlightenment.
Here’s an example from Garima Sharma:
Thanks for reading,
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©DR Rawson
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