What Being Fatherless Taught Me About Love

I had my first boyfriend at 18 and was deeply in love with him. But one day I found out he was cheating, and worse, that I was the one being cheated on with. My heart broke in pieces and my whole world fell apart. How can the first man I’ve put my trust in can hurt me this much? I thought we were a perfect match. But that day, I realized that I was just an option for him.

And yet, I stayed.

After confronting him and hearing him blatantly say that he couldn’t commit to one woman. After the humiliation, betrayal and pain, I still couldn’t find the strength to leave him. As if a part of me believed that I deserved this and was, somewhat, unworthy of love and respect. I started blaming myself and believed that I was responsible for his behavior. “Maybe I’m not sexy enough, beautiful enough or adventurous enough?” I asked myself. I wanted him to love me and believed that he would change. The moment I settled was the beginning of a dysfunctional, toxic and abusive relationship. As months went by, I became obsessed with trying to please him and make him happy. The thought of him leaving me to be with another woman was terrifying. He clearly saw my fears and insecurities, and was using them to get advantage of me. What I didn’t know back then is: I was dating a narcissist and had the Fatherless daughter syndrome, also known as ‘Daddy issues’.

Research show that women whose fathers were physically and/or emotionally absent experience more difficulties building healthy and lasting intimate relationships with men, especially when the father loss occurred during adolescence. A healthy father-daughter relationship can set a strong foundation in a woman’s romantic life, by helping her build confidence, self-esteem and self-worth from a young age. When this relationship doesn’t exist or is interrupted prematurely, a dysfunction like no other can occur in a woman’s life. Many fatherless daughters are not fully equipped to navigate male-female relationships and lack the foundation of self-worth and confidence. As a result, they may experience a never-ending cycle of unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships.

I entered my first relationship with no clear idea of what to expect. I needed the presence of a man to feel protected, validated and loved. Something I desperately craved since my father passed away when I was only 11. But I didn’t know what a healthy relationship was supposed to look like. I chose to stay in abusive relationships because I was paralyzed by the fear of abandonment, which is a common trait among fatherless daughters. My self-esteem was at the lowest, which resulted in an inability to set clear boundaries with men and make healthy choices for myself. A few months after finding out my boyfriend was unfaithful, I eventually found the courage to leave. I thought my nightmare was over, but it was actually the beginning.

I left a toxic relationship, but my dysfunctional patterns didn’t leave me. They followed me from one relationship to the next as I was unconsciously trying to fill the void my father left.

In a 2014 survey of 5,000 women conducted in the U.S. by Denna D. Babul and Karin Luise Ph.D, authors of The Fatherless Daughter Project, 50% of women reported that they felt fatherless due to different circumstances including divorce, emotional absence, death, addiction, desertion, abuse and incarceration. No matter how the father-daughter loss occurred, it can have devastating consequences that mostly affect a woman’s ability to form healthy relationships with men. Unfortunately, many women are unaware that a wide range of issues they experience in their relationships are connected to their loss.

In my early twenties, I was mostly attracted to emotionally unavailable men who cheated on me, abused me or disrespected me in one way or another. Despite the trust issues I had developed in men, I was still unable to make healthy choices. After a relationship was over, my only mechanism was to numb my feelings and move onto the next one without actually learning the lesson. The thought of being abandoned was scary. I wanted to feel loved, protected, and needed at all costs. I got into the wrong relationships for the wrong reasons, with the wrong people, and got out of them with more self-esteem issues than when I entered them. Sometimes good men came into my life, but I did everything I could to sabotage the relationship because deep inside I felt unworthy to receive true love.

There was a form of safety and comfort in my trauma. It was all I’ve ever knew. At least, the relationship would end in a way that I was familiar with: when the man I loved the most would suddenly leave me.

Doing the inner work for the past 15 years has allowed me to become aware of the emotional impact my father’s absence had in my relationships and the coping mechanisms I had developed. I realized that this emotionally dependent, insecure, and broken young woman with no sense of self-worth wasn’t my true self. She was my shadow. The one who carried my wounds, fears, limiting beliefs and unhealthy patterns. I’ve forgiven myself for the choices I’ve made in the past because they were solely driven by fear and rooted in trauma. And I finally found the courage to reclaim my worth in relationships, step into my power and rewrite my story.

Here are five key lessons I have learned about love as a fatherless daughter:

1. Love shouldn’t make you feel small, incomplete or unworthy

If there’s anything love should make you feel, it’s whole, confident and full of yourself. Literally. If you enter a relationship with self-doubt and a limited sense of self-worth, there are more chances that you will end up unhappy and miserable. Having a clear sense of who you are gives you the courage to make the right decisions for your wellbeing. You don’t need to change who you are to be fulfilled in a relationship. You should actually be more of who you are. A healthy relationship doesn’t require you to shrink to fit in, but allows you to expand in your true self.

2. Love isn’t abuse and abuse isn’t love

Whether it’s verbal, physical or emotional, abuse only happens in dysfunctional relationships and is rooted in fear, and certainly not love. Sometimes abuse is packaged as a ‘passionate demonstration of love’, a form of ‘caring too much’. Many fatherless daughters see abuse as something that can naturally occur in a relationship. But the sooner you realize that abuse has more to do with control and power than love, the more clarity you will gain in your relationships.

3. Love is abundant and will never leave you

A relationship may end, a partner may leave, but it doesn’t mean that you are unworthy of love. Love is the essence of who you are. When a partner comes into your life, you are able to share that essence with him. It’s not about completing each other in a relationship, but being whole, together. I know being fatherless can make you feel broken, but I am here to tell you that you can still be whole. Once you change your perspective from waiting for someone to make you feel loved, to knowing that you ARE love, your relationship with yourself and others will radically shift. Someone who sees you and respects you, will walk into your life to share this love with you.

4. Loving yourself is essential to healing

For many fatherless women, healing a father’s wound may take a lifetime as they are repeating the same patterns over and over throughout their lives. But healing starts with awareness: understanding the reason behind your choices, knowing that there is nothing wrong with you, and forgiving yourself. You can only grow and heal from a place of love, not self-criticism. Release guilt and auto-judgment. Be at peace with your story and turn your focus to your personal healing. And remember, no relationship will work until you work on yourself and address your emotional wounds. And it can only be done when you love yourself.

5. Your triggers are your teachers

Even when you do the healing work, you can face triggers. An argument arises between you and your partner and you suddenly feel like the little girl you were when your father went away. And because you are now operating from your inner child perspective, you are tempted to fall back into old patterns. Intimate relationships can be a wonderful healing space for fatherless daughters, as long as they are aware of the root cause of their behavior. Breaking old habits and patterns can take a lot of work and time. There will be many triggers as you are un-becoming that person you’ve turned into after losing your dad. Embrace them because they are teachers showing you the areas where you still need to work on.

If you are a fatherless daughter, know that healing is possible. Maybe you will not be able to fill this void after losing such an important figure of your life, but you can find ways to live and love from a place of wholeness. And as you blossom into your true self, as you shift your mindset from victim to deserving, the right relationship will come into your life, at the right time. If you want to learn more about my own healing journey, my upcoming book Unbecome Her: A Fatherless Daughter’s Journey to Love, Healing & Wholeness is now available for pre-order on Publishizer. It’s a memoir and guide that help other women heal their father wound and thrive in their relationships.

Now I want to hear from you. How does your father’s absence influenced your relationships and perception of love?