Personal Philosophy
What are Your Values — Write Them Down
Seemed quick and easy… It took me two weeks! Once I figured out what “value” actually meant.
Synopsis
- This question came up with online dating. Have you ever consciously thought about values? Having your list of personal values is not enough. Do you follow them? Can you live with yourself? You must create your own definition of success. This article provides you with a starting point, examples and more to think about.
A simple question
When I was single, before social media and Match.com, I played the game of “Questions” with a poet in California via email. The rule was simple.
- You could ask any question you wanted.
- If the other person chooses to answer, you answer the same question.
The recipient could decline to answer.
“Questions” is a wonderful way to get to know someone. A local lady I was dating said that she would come up with a question, then think “Oh no! I don’t want to answer that”.
The poet asked the question: “What are your values?”
Could you answer that question in the next 10 minutes? At first, I thought that I could. Sounded easy, but it took over two weeks to distinguish activities from their underlying values.
First, I defined “Value” as a person’s standards of behavior and the driving force behind them. A simple list, like the Ten Commandments, provides rules but not the driving force behind them. The first four pertain to religion, so are not values. The remainder are pretty limited and are covered by #2 and #3 in my list. So, I built my own list and posted it on my web site 20 years ago.
Then, I had to decide what the overall goal of the list was before even starting.
Finally, I found a number of scenarios and determined what made them important to me. From all of that, I wrote a value that linked the two together.
Build a foundation
The foundation provides the driving force behind a list of rules to live by. A house built on sand will be ok until the storms come. Then, it will shift and may collapse completely. The one built on concrete or bedrock will remain except for the most violent upheavals. So, I built my list on this foundation:
Be able to live with yourself
I want to be fit for me to know. I want to be able as the days go by, Always to look myself straight in the eye.
I don’t want to stand with the setting sun, And hate myself for the things I’ve done. I can never hide myself from me, I see what others may never see.
I know what others may never know, can never fool myself and so… Whatever happens I want to be, Self-respecting & conscience free!
This is an anonymous poem from Dr. Laura Schlesinger’s¹ book entitled “How could you do that!” I later learned that the author is Edgar Guest and that there are two middle stanzas which I chose not to include.
Build the values list
It is easy to waive your hands in the air and make claims. They say in nursing that nothing happened unless it is documented, i.e. written down and the same applies here. Once you have written your values down, it will be easier for you to live with yourself.
Values List
- Always do your best at whatever you do. However, don’t let the quest for perfection prevent you from completing the task.
- Always be honest. You don’t need to say everything you think or know especially if it will hurt people AND you don’t have to answer all questions.
- Don’t hurt people
- Always keep learning. If not, you will stagnate or repeat your mistakes.
- Don’t make the same mistake twice. Apologize for mistakes and set things right if possible. Sometimes, the main difficulty is realizing that a mistake was made and recognizing exactly what the mistake was.
- Avoid addictions and addictive behavior
- See the glass as half full, not half empty. You will be happier.
- Be successful in your own mind. Take action when necessary.
Every value should be supported by your foundation. They are goals for the future, even if you have not lived up to them in the past.
Scenarios and Caveats
Work environment My company, in my opinion, was gouging our customer by using methodologies that greatly expanded the costs while reducing the quality -see example #3 in article Don’t YOU be the Cause of an IT Project Failure (The lessons apply to all projects, not just IT).
I decided that I was working for an unethical company and started looking for another job.
I complained to one of the branch managers about some of their decisions. She asked if I would like to move from the central office to the branch office. I brought my 14 projects with me and wound up retiring from that company.
I learned that you cannot judge everybody by the actions of a few.
Define your own “personal measurement of success”
For me, “Success” is having an impact on yourself and others.
- If someone gets more joy out of life,
- is more skillful in their job or other activities,
- has a better attitude,
- is physically better off,
- changes direction because of me,
I am successful.
Do unto others… is not enough
YOU may be willing to take more punishment or consider actions “just business.” Consider this modification:
- Do unto others as you would have them do unto your spouse, children, parents or other loved ones.
- Do not call people names. Once said, there is no way to take them back.
- Take care speaking to children, they might believe you.
I heard a parent say to a little kid about 4 years old “I HATE you!” The kid burst into tears and may never recover.
Behave within a marriage
Your partner should be more important than anyone else.
- Formal courtesy between husband and wife is even more important than it is between strangers²
- Sex is both a gift and a privilege and should not be demanded as a right or withheld for other favors²
- An affair is the ultimate act of contempt and cruelty towards your partner
- An affair is the act of a coward, a liar and someone I would be reluctant to trust with anything. The culprit would have to DO a lot to change my mind and trust them again. I would consider anything they said to be worthless. File for divorce first.
Have the courage to take action
Don’t let fear prevent you from doing what you want and feel is right.
- Certainly the game is rigged². Don’t let that stop you! If you don’t bet, you can’t win!
- Courage is the complement of fear². A man who is fearless cannot be courageous. (He is also a fool).
Usually, things are not as hazardous as you think they are according There’s Nothing To Be Afraid Of by Josh Spector.
Control your own happiness
After the initial reaction, I can decide how an emotional event will impact my life, whether to be happy or miserable, trusting or fearful, optimistic or pessimistic.
I choose to be positive in these things. Of course, a major catastrophe is much more difficult to overcome.
Jim Rohn³, professional speaker, summarized it this way: “It is ironic that one of the few things in this life over which we have total control is our attitudes, and yet most of us live our entire life behaving as though we have no control whatsoever.”
For additional quotes, check out Attitude is Everything and 17 Remarkable Quotes by Jim Rohn.
Don’t worry about perfection
One of the hardest things in life is when you MUST do something that conflicts with your values. That may occur when you have two bad choices or find yourself in a situation that you can’t get out of.
You can only do the best that you can, get through it quickly and hope that you can make amends later.
I think that following these values made me very successful in my profession of developing computer applications, training new people, and generally in life.
Also, in finding the perfect wife, which was not the poet in this story.
Once you know your values, you can apply them to these thirteen rules.
- How could you do that! by Dr. Laura Schlesinger
- The notebooks of Lazarus Long by Robert A. Heinlein
- The Seasons of Life by Jim Rohn
- A Question of Trust by Medium author Lothlorien
