A Field Guide to Feelings

What Are Feelings For?

Feelings are like the idiot lights on your car. They’re crude messages about your state of being. When the oil light goes on in your car, you know to check the oil. When you feel angry, you know there is a perceived injustice somewhere. You don’t ignore the idiot light on your car, do you? Then don’t ignore your feelings. Check them out to see what’s causing them, and thank your feelings for alerting you to potential danger.

I once knew a guy who had a check engine light that would not go off. He brought the car to the shop and they couldn’t find a thing wrong. They offered to turn the light off, but it would cost a couple of hundred dollars. He put tape over it, so he wouldn’t have to see it. In doing so, he gave up any benefits having a functioning check engine light might offer.

People will often treat their feelings this way, especially people in demanding environments, with demanding people. The tendency is to tape over their feelings, put their heads down, and move on. Keep a stiff upper lip. Buck up. No one is interested in how they feel.

I think there are times when this kind of toughness is called for, but it is not the way out. It’ll help you survive, but not thrive. It does not contribute to positive change. Not every hill is worth dying for, but some are. You’ll live to fight another day, but one of these days, you’ll have to fight.

By fight, of course, I mean to confront the issues and create change. To do so, you’ll have to welcome these strong, unpleasant feelings and honor them as the helpful allies they are. They’re trying to protect you, warn you, and ready you for a struggle. They’re also identifying and standing up for your values.

Feelings show values

If you have a problematic relationship, do this thing for it and yourself now. Make a list of all the crap that has come your way because of his behavior. Take note of all the messes you’ve cleaned up, the anxious nights you stayed up, the blows you received, the lies you’ve heard, the money that’s been wasted, the betrayals you’ve suffered. Just make a list, you don’t have to act upon it. Go ahead, do it now. I’ll wait.

There, done? Probably not. You will likely add to that list as you remember more and more. When you have something you’re paying attention to, more comes up. When you remember it, take note.

Now, go to your list and jot down how those incidents make you feel now and how you felt at the time.

For example, let’s say one of the items on your list was that you had to clean up his puke after he came home drunk and called Ralph all over the bathroom floor. What emotions might you feel? I might have felt concerned when I heard him puking; anger when he left it to me; disgust at the smell; relief when he seemed to feel better; shame if there was anyone else around to see it. Those are just a few.

Once you’re done doing that, see if you can spot the value that stands behind each emotion.

You felt concerned because, despite everything, you love him. Anger because you believe in fairness. Disgust because puke can make you sick and you value your health. Relief because you value his health. Shame because you value your and his reputation.

Do you see how emotions stand in for and indicate values? If you didn’t have emotions, you wouldn’t know your ethics. If you didn’t have emotions, you would not be standing up for your standards. In fact, that is exactly the case when you deny your feelings, put your head down, and toughen yourself. You lose touch with what’s important. You misplace your moral compass.

Once you have paid attention to your feelings and reaffirmed your values, their service is complete. They’re like soldiers returning from war. They need to be demobilized, disarmed and integrated back into polite society. To put it another way, they’re idiot lights, not the driver, and you’re the driver, not the idiot. Your feelings should not be in charge. You should be in charge. Take note of your feelings. When they signal to you, investigate what they are trying to say, and then decide what to do about it. Don’t make your feelings do more than they are meant to do, but pay attention and respect their intelligent design.

Keith R Wilson is a mental health counselor in private practice and the author of The Road to Reconciliation: A Comprehensive Guide to Peace When Relationships Go Bad. This article is an excerpt.