What a Lot of Women Confided to Me Behind Closed Doors in HR

Especially the successful ones

A confession from a female VP

Back in those days, I had a fantastic office with a gorgeous view over an architectural garden. Most of my time was spent peering across my desk at some employee who popped in to have a confidential conversation with me.

I would escort them in, close the door and wait to see what prompted this particular visit.

One particular VP visited me often because she had ongoing issues with two employees who were constantly at war with each other. But one day I could tell she wasn’t there to talk about her usual troublemakers.

At 35, she was the highest performing VP in her division and the highest compensated by far. She had worked hard and it had paid off handsomely for her. An inspiration for women and young girls everywhere.

But that day, I could tell something was wrong.

She wouldn’t look me in the eye as she said her next words. She turned her body to the wall and dropped her voice down low as if what she was saying was a profoundly shameful confession.

She did not want to be the powerful executive they were grooming her to be.

In fact, she did not want to be a VP at all. She secretly wished she was the department admin where all she had to do were expense reports, schedule meetings, and organize holiday parties. She wanted a job she could walk away from at 5 pm and forget about when she got home.

And if she were being really honest, she didn’t even want to work. She wanted to stay home and take care of the house and garden.

And yes, make dinner for her husband.

Like a Boiled Frog

Things started out well for her.

Early in her career, she got hired into an entry-level job that she excelled in, and she was promoted repeatedly. She was quickly rewarded for her hard work and business sense.

Her first job as a manager was fun at first. She dove into leadership training and learning how to be a good manager. She enjoyed taking the lead in the department operations, running team meetings and managing a group of people.

That changed quickly as she got settled into her role.

When 5 pm came, she kept working, and when she did finally go home for the night, work came home with her. The more she advanced in her career, the more she hated the politics, the pressure, the constant demands from senior leadership.

She couldn’t turn it off in her mind, and she found herself spending more time on PowerPoint presentations and prepping for meetings than she spent relaxing with her husband or friends. Her personal projects and passions, including redecorating the house and putting together a greenhouse, were neglected.

The job had grown into something that didn’t feel good to her.

She loved to cook but had little energy to do it. She loved hosting gatherings at their house — now she didn’t have it in her to do that either. She had dreams of redoing the entire garden — but never had the time or energy.

There were parts of her job that she enjoyed. She felt valued at work. She knew how to do the job well. And she liked how admired she felt.

But she was secretly miserable. And she couldn’t see an exit.

She wasn’t the only one

I have lost track of how many women have confided that they just wanted to be stay-at-home moms or work part-time.

This doesn’t mean these women want to stay in entry-level jobs. I’ve known many who would have loved to stay in a high-level job — if they could do it for 20 hours a week.

Priorities change for women as they age and their lives evolve. Some women want to have their afternoons at home with the family. Or they have personal pursuits they want to focus on such as writing or a side business.

While some women thrive in leadership roles and feel great personal fulfillment, it’s worth noting that it isn’t for everyone. And that’s okay.

Some women are most fulfilled by taking a more traditional role of being a stay-at-home wife or mother. Some women prefer to have a part-time job that allows them to care for the home and their family so they can be with their kids when they get home from school.

I admire women who take that path.

I admire women who take the career path as well, but I’ve heard a lot of confessions from those on that path. They generally feel supported in their career and they are treated quite well at work. However.

Given a choice, most women would not work if they did not have to. Or they would only work part-time.

If they were married to someone who could comfortably provide for them and the family, they would happily walk out that door and not look back.

Doesn’t come out of every woman’s mouth, but I sure heard it a lot.

Asking to step down

We want to empower women to chase their dreams and goals, but the underlying message always seems to be, “Go for the CEO job,” or “Become a powerful executive”.

Maybe the reason we don’t see more women in these roles is because they don’t really want them.

I saw several women who did not want to advance in their careers because they did not want the pressure or demands of a higher-level job. That’s not uncommon at all. A lot of people do not want to be managers.

Most companies are tasked to have career development conversations with all employees, and it was fairly common for men to report wanting to move up. Women were more likely content to stay in their role (but, more money please!) or transfer to a new role in the company.

And then there were career advancements that ended in regret. I remember a young woman landing a highly sought-after job that was a huge promotion for her. To everyone’s shock, she asked to step down a year later.

I remember talking with her about her decision. There wasn’t anything we could do to keep her in the role. It just wasn’t what she wanted to do. She simply wanted a less demanding role.

People say a lot of things behind closed doors. That day, when the VP left, she faced an impossible decision. She knew where her heart was, she knew what was right for her, and she needed to have some hard conversations.

Some people speak the truth of their heart behind closed doors, and then continue living a life that is miserable to them.

The truth is not always in what you see in action. We can act in ways that contradict what is in our heart.

The truth comes out when one is given a choice with two viable options.

And sometimes that choice surprises you. ❤

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