We’ve Successfully Simulated A Universe Where Aristotle Had PlayStation

Summary

Researchers have successfully simulated a universe where Aristotle played PlayStation games instead of pioneering his philosophical and ethical works.

Abstract

In an extraordinary feat of research and computation, a team of scientists has created a simulation where the ancient philosopher Aristotle engages with 1994 Sony PlayStation video games, diverting him from his significant contributions to logic, physics, philosophy, ethics, and the nature of human existence. This project, spanning nearly three decades, involved over 400 experts from NASA, MIT, and the Max Planck Institute. It led to Aristotle spending time on games like "Croc: Legend of the Gobbos" instead of authoring his seminal "Nicomachean Ethics," potentially altering the course of history. The simulation also showed Aristotle preferring games like "Twisted Metal 2" over his political treatises, influencing his views on slavery, and replacing his traditional gifts to Alexander the Great with video games, which may have had a more profound impact on the young leader. The project's success has prompted plans for a 3D virtual reality universe, and a new endeavor to simulate Aristotle with an Xbox 360, aiming to further suppress his philosophical ideas with contemporary gaming.

Opinions

The research team believes that their intervention to engage Aristotle in video gaming has been beneficial to society, as it potentially prevented the dissemination of his outdated views on women and biology.
There is a suggestion that the influence of Aristotle's works on humankind may not have been entirely positive, as much of it is described as "a bunch of weird stuff that didn't make sense."
The team is of the opinion that video games have the potential to make individuals, like Aristotle, better people, implying a redemptive quality in gaming that can surpass the contributions of classical philosophy.
The lead scientist's emotional reaction to the new 3D virtual reality universe indicates a profound impact and potential of such simulations, despite the setback due to his hospitalization.
The team is confident that future simulations involving an Xbox 360 could further diminish Aristotle's focus on philosophy, suggesting a critical view of the relevance and value of his historical contributions.

We’ve Successfully Simulated A Universe Where Aristotle Had PlayStation

Unlocking the hidden potential of Ancient Gaming. (Image Credit: Raphael)

Eureka! This is it! This is the one! After nearly three decades of grueling research, tens of billions of dollars of grant money, and monopolizing research time on the planet’s most exclusive supercomputers, our team has finally done what was previously unthinkable: we have successfully developed a simulation of how the universe would have been if Aristotle had access to an original 1994 Sony PlayStation video game console.

Our team — comprised of over 400 scientists with backgrounds at NASA, MIT, and the Max Planck Institute — has devoted most of their lives to steering Aristotle away from higher pursuits in the studies of logic, physics, philosophy, ethics, and the very nature of human existence itself, to instead spend his time playing the greatest hits of one of gaming’s best platforms in history. The challenges we’ve had to overcome were not easy.

The big breakthrough finally came when, after six years of arduous experimentation, we finally managed to divert Aristotle’s attention away from the production of his unparalleled work, Nicomachean Ethics. His raw intellect and unstoppable drive for knowledge almost bested even our most advanced mathematical proofs and powerful supercomputers, but we eventually succeeded in preventing him from even starting work on the ten-volume masterpiece, instead managing to keep him preoccupied with Croc: Legend of the Gobbos, where he struggled greatly with the challenging puzzles on the level “Be Wheely Careful.” He had a hard time with the platforming sections, which we credit in preventing the formation of his crucial concept of eudaimonia.

Other events we originally hypothesized to be more challenging were in fact not so. For example, his commitments to his political treatises were easily compromised in favor of spending many hours per day playing Twisted Metal 2. We viewed this as a great benefit to society, as he loved slavery a little too much and we probably did the world a favor by getting him to not talk about it. And instead of gifting a young Alexander the Great a copy of the Iliad and the Odyssey, he bestowed upon him a copy of Dino Crisis and Metal Gear Solid, which we predict were undoubtedly more influential and meaningful to him in the end.

In retrospect, his views on women definitely weren’t cool either. He absolutely had no idea how their bodies worked; he didn’t even know how many teeth they had. It’s probably a good thing he used the time he would have spent discussing biology and women on playing Tekken 3 instead.

As we reflect on what we’ve accomplished here, we realize Aristotle probably wasn’t all he was cracked up to be; a world where his works and influence didn’t exist seemed to actually improve the state of humankind. Most of it was a bunch of weird stuff that didn’t make sense. The team agrees that video games definitely made him a better person in the end.

While we unfortunately can’t replace our current universe with this one we’ve created, we’ve recently begun work on a new project to transform it into a 3D world, accessible by the latest in virtual reality technology. Our lead scientist assigned to this project has already had glimpses into this fantastical new existence, and the wonders he saw left him speechless and crying tears of sheer delight. He did eventually have to be hospitalized as a result though, so progress is a little slow.

Expanding on our research, we’ve already drafted a proposal for simulating a universe where Aristotle instead had an Xbox 360. With this new universe, we hope to guide Aristotle on a path where he completely abandons his notions of ethos, pathos, and logos. We’re confident we can accomplish this with a double-whammy of Grand Theft Auto followed by Gears of War, which should hopefully put to bed all that philosophy nonsense once and for all.