We’ve Heard Single Mamas Can’t Raise Responsible Children. What Else Do We Know?
Let’s get real about the stigma on single mothers.
“Mummy, mummy, I got an “A” in my physics exams. And my teacher said I was chosen to represent our school in the upcoming National Science Bowl competition,” my daughter said with excitement.
“Oh, my God! This calls for celebration. I’m so proud of you, Dede”
You could see the twinkles in my eyes. I was close to tears the day my daughter came home from school; to deliver this piece of good news. We hugged each other, crying, and laughing as if there was no tomorrow.
I wasn’t surprised she got an “A” in physics. She has always been a brilliant kid. She’s very good in science and arithmetic and never gets lower than a “B” in all subjects.
But being chosen for a national competition was the most rewarding gift she gave me as a mother. I can never forget the joy that warmed my heart as I looked at my thirteen-year-old princess, thriving at such a young age.
That was six years ago — when my daughter was in 8th grade. My joy of motherhood knew no bounds. From that night my daughter studied twice as hard. Although her school didn’t win the competition (they came 13th out of 45 middle schools that attended), I learned an important lesson about my daughter and my parenting style.
After that day, I knew I was doing a great job as a single mother. I wasn’t just proud to be her mother because she was intelligent. But the way everyone complimented her maturity, the way her teachers spoke of her humility, and the way she respected her juniors and seniors gave me so much pride.
You know there are times you think about the headache your child gives you, and you swear you wish you never had them.
That wasn’t my daughter.
I admit. I’m a disciplinarian. My daughter wasn’t pampered like most kids. I raised my daughter in a wheelchair until she was six — before my recovery to use my leg and take full responsibility for her welfare. She had to learn how to clean the table and wash her plate after eating. She did her laundry, arranged her bedroom, bathed herself and prepare for school.
We did the cooking together. Sometimes she helped me with bathing and dressing up whenever I needed help. She got used to doing mini chores because I couldn’t do everything myself.
My daughter was forced to live a mature life from a younger age which made my job as her mother easier. She was very obedient and did not rebel when I reprimanded her. It wasn’t difficult instilling good morals in my daughter.
Why Do We Shame Single Mothers, and Not Single Fathers
I didn’t choose to be a single mother.
My partner wanted to be in the shadows. He gave up on me because of my disability. He thought I would never walk again after my tragic accident, so he distances himself from us.
My baby daddy only saw his daughter twice — four days after she was born and then a year later after her first birthday. We were living in different states then so he only sent financial support and communicated through phone calls.
After we left the country and relocated to America, his financial support stopped. He already had his own family back home. And wasn’t contributing to raising our daughter. I granted his wish and cut ties with him completely. There was no point in making him a part of our lives since he did not make an effort to be a father to our child.
When my daughter turned fifteen, her father got in touch with me through my sister. He asked for forgiveness and wanted to fix his mistakes. But I refused. I told him we’re better off without him. And I don’t regret my decision.
I had to make lemonade out of the lemon life threw at me. What else could he have done? Sometimes I wonder if my daughter would have turned out as responsible as she did if her father was in our lives.
Could his decisions have aligned with mine or would he have contradicted mine? Maybe he would have pampered her since I didn’t. I was drowning in depression to even think of pampering anyone.
I’m more inclined to believe he would have become aggressive toward us since he wasn’t ready to be a father and my mental health was in crisis. He would have blamed me for ruining his life and possibly abandon us at some point.
Whatever “could have been” doesn’t matter now since my daughter and I are doing better than my ex and his family. With my experiences in life, if I were to have another baby, I will raise him without a father.
Stereotypes around Single Mothers and Bad Parenting
Studies estimate that by the time children turn 9, 20% of U.S. children born to a married couple and more than 50% of those born to a cohabiting couple will witness their parent’s breakup.
Women arrive at single motherhood from a variety of circumstances — through a divorce, rape, death of a spouse, or rejection.
However, most single mothers out there did not become single parents by choice, but still, society doesn’t fail to accuse us of being terrible parents.
Should these mothers have abandoned their children when their partners left them?
According to this report, more than 22 million single moms are raising over 25 million youth in America. More than 80% of households are led by single mothers, yet the stereotype of single mothers continues to discredit their importance in society and dishonour their image.
We judge single mothers as sluts, selfish, irresponsible, and good-for-nothing women who drove their partners away.
This makes me wonder. Are these stereotypes intended to keep women in the nuclear family settings? Why do we criticize single mothers, but glorify single fathers? And how are single mothers dangerous to society?
Research studies show 47% of U.S. adults say single women raising children on their own is generally a bad thing for society. While 43% say it doesn’t make a difference and just 10% of adults say it is good for society.
From a gender perspective on single women raising children alone, 59% of men say single motherhood is bad for society. But statistics on adults who agree that women raising children alone makes no difference in society is 50% of women compared to 34% of men.
Women are expected to be perfect mothers no matter their circumstances. Fathers are assumed to be less capable of parenting and therefore we see their efforts as “courageous” and “celebrate” them when they take on the primary parental role.
When a man puts his child to sleep, cooks, or cleans — he’s helping out the woman- as if the responsibility is not he’s just as it is the woman’s. We sympathize with single fathers and ignore their parenting mistakes.
In contrast, we criticize mothers for little things like if she’s drinking a glass of wine while breastfeeding, or if she allows her child to stay up past bedtime. Or when her child goes to school late because she overslept.
Single mothers face twice the social pressures and high expectations of married mothers every day. We are under pressure to succeed in life — both in our professional and romantic relationships — to prove our abilities as women. And we’re shamed when our abilities don’t match up to the ideal parenting standards.
If our child is doing poorly academically, or they get into a fight or don’t engage in sports activities, the mother is shamed for being liberal with the child. We criticize her parenting style and assume the child would have done better if she was raised by a male parent.
We assume men are the only ones with the ability to raise a child. Different studies show that children who are raised by single mothers are likely to drop out of school and get into fights with people.
But what these studies do not prove is if the rebellious behavior of children raised by single mothers is a result of the absence of a “male role model” or lack of “financial resources and time” of their mothers. Since these mothers have to work and raise their children without support.
The Increasing Rate of Single Motherhood
It would seem that degrading single mothers is a strategy to reinforce patriarchal family standards on women. If single mothers are shamed then that will discourage other women from joining the single mothers club.
Every year there are 1.2 million divorces in the United States. Traditional nuclear families with two married heterosexual parents are becoming obsolete.
The old nuclear family structures are gradually replaced by same-sex marriages and multi-sexual marriages, and the child-free culture has influenced the increase in single motherhood.
There are many ways to raise a family, and single motherhood is just one of the parenting choices. It’s up to each parent or family to decide how things will work best in their home.
Married mothers are no better than single mothers. Each mother has her strength and struggles. Shaming single mothers will create disparities among women. And that is what patriarchal men want.
Because if women are bitching against each other, we cannot be trusted to be responsible parents. But this will be a conversation for another day.
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