We’ve got it all wrong — let’s start with kindness
Make kindness a habit
“Your role is at risk of redundancy.” The HR Officer’s expression was bland as she relayed the carefully scripted message.
He didn’t think it would happen to him. Over 18 months had passed since he heard those shocking words. His house was on the verge of being repossessed, the bills were piling up and his savings were running out. His involuntary idleness was even beginning to irritate his wife.
Never the type to feel sorry for himself, he entered the charity shop to buy some workwear for his upcoming interview. His unplanned weight loss was costly.
“Did you find everything you were looking for?” asked the cashier reluctantly.
He nodded and swiped his debit card.
“Sorry, your card has been declined!”
He stared at the card reader in bewilderment. His eyes scanned the room and fixed on the ground.
“Can I help with the payment?” suggested a friendly voice from behind.
When was the last time you were kind to another? You might have felt a boost in your mood immediately after. Research suggests that carrying out an act of kindness releases oxytocin, the same chemical released during physical intimacy which strengthens feelings of well-being, trust and love. Being kind also causes your brain’s pleasure and reward centre to light up, also known as “helper’s high”. With all these benefits to reap, we are missing out by not being kind more often.
Confusingly, kindness is sometimes used interchangeably with niceness. Kind can be defined as ‘a good or benevolent nature or disposition, as a person’. When you are nice, you are ‘pleasing, agreeable and/or delightful’. Being nice generally means that you are not treating someone badly. To be kind, you actually need to care and show empathy towards people. Whilst you may be nice to your horrible manager, you might not bother being kind to him. Alternatively, it’s an act of kindness to tell your best friend about his embarrassing behaviour at a party, though it isn’t the nicest thing to do.
Hopefully, most of us will agree that an act of kindness is a good idea. But we can do so much better than this and the world is crying out for it. Kindness shouldn’t be just some one-off act we do on a weekday morning when we have nothing else in our calendar, or a way to escape our reality by volunteering abroad for months before resuming our ‘normal’ lives. Maybe we are all missing the point. Kindness is the only way of truly being with each other. If we are to not just survive, but thrive together in this delicate planet, we have to embed kindness in our daily routine. The “helper’s high” that you get from a single act of kindness only lasts for about 3–4 minutes. If you want to keep being high on positive emotions, you need to keep practising kindness.
Let’s start small by committing to one act of kindness a day that will not cost you a penny. Some examples include:
• Smile at a stranger • Hold the door open for the person behind you • Post an honest compliment on someone’s social media page that you follow • Check in on people going through difficult times, even after a few weeks and months • Help a neighbour carry their groceries • Volunteer at an elderly home, youth club or homeless shelter • Do a chore that a household member hates doing • Encourage friends and family when they are unmotivated • Write a letter to a loved one telling them that they are special to you • Ask the person serving you how their day is going
In case you are wondering what makes you happy, try being kind. Obviously, there are many factors that contribute to happiness, but kindness can definitely play a part. For six weeks, a study was carried out on 500 participants who were divided into four groups: the first group carried out kind acts to improve the world, such as removing litter; the second group were kind to others, e.g. they bought a cup of coffee for friends; the third group were kind to themselves, for example they took a day off work; and the last group continued with their ordinary activities. All those that took part in the study self-reported their emotions weekly, and filled out a questionnaire before and after the experiment to determine their well-being. The results revealed that those who did acts of kindness for others or for the world reported happier feelings and better moods than those who were kind to themselves and in the control group. This suggests that feeling happy is not all about treating yourself. Perhaps next time you are feeling gloomy, you should think twice before indulging in retail therapy or some other self-focused activity.
For better or for worse, the productivity culture is alive and kicking. We are preoccupied with ticking off everything in our to-do list and having profitable side hustles. Of course, there are incredible benefits of being productive. But it’s time for kindness to also get a seat at the top table. Let’s stop obsessing about what we do and focus on who we are. People are more touched by how you treat them than the sheer dedication required in your morning routine, or the number of zeroes in your bank account.
Life is hard. We have all gone through somethings, are currently going through somethings or will go through somethings. We are all ignorant of people’s mental health issues. Just be kind. It’s so simple. If we get the easy stuff right, the hard parts will be easier. The little kind acts that we repeatedly fail to do can make the biggest difference.