West Coast Secedes, Independent Pacifica Proclaimed in Seattle

Orange President + Forest Fires’ Orange Air Birth a New Nation

April 1, 2024

After a successful secession referendum, newly sworn in President Jay Inslee, former governor of Washington state, proclaimed the newly independent nation of Pacifica, with its capital in Seattle. Some secessionists had proposed the name MicroAmazonia, but wiser heads prevailed against embedding $5 trillion of stock market capitalization in a referendum on secession and the new nation’s name.

Inslee’s first act as president of the world’s newest nation: an executive order taking over management of the 72 million acres of insufficiently raked and charred US managed national forests. These will be added to the 4.3 million acres that were already under state and local government management in California, Oregon and Washington:

“Since Dr. Trump said the wildfires were a forest management issue, we decided to agree….and manage them ourselves. We know better than to argue with him about science, actually. Our future zero carbon emissions economy will help our forests recover from the latest wildfires. Dr. Trump should be happy we’ll use Tesla trucks to distribute tens of thousands of rakes to carry out his recommendations. But this doesn’t mean we’re recommending hydroxichloroquine and disinfectant to our citizens as COVID19 treatments.”

President Inslee also talked up how independence will be a fiscal winner for the new nation’s citizens:

“The federal taxes our citizens and companies will no longer pay to a fiscally bulimic Uncle Sam will provide Green New Deal Infrastructure, jobs and carbon tax credits instead of the Pentagon and coal and shale oil baron bailouts. We’ll still see US military budget money pour into our local US defense contractors, such as Boeing, Lockheed-Martin, General Dynamics and Northrop-Grumman. We may be independent, but we still want the free-spending no-bid contract Pentagon as a client. Who wouldn’t? But it won’t be our citizens paying the taxes to support an $800 billion Pentagon budget. We’ll bank US military spending without paying the freight. Who are the suckers and losers now?

Like Canada, we’re too close to the US to not remain as a free-rider within its defense umbrella. All we have to do is whisper “China’s calling.” We won’t even have to join NATO and spend 2% of our GDP on defense, since Trump took the US out of that obsolete alliance last year. All those fossil-fueled and agribusiness red states exporting their pollution to us have been fiscal free-riders for decades. Now it’s our turn. Dr. Trump should understand one thing: environmental carnage ends now and from now on it’s going to be Pacifica First!”

Thunderous applause greeted this conclusion of President Inslee’s speech. Trump, some local federalists and Republicans in the now dis-United States criticized the nativist tone of President Inslee’s inaugural address. But his newly appointed bi-coastal globalist press secretary, Chris Cuomo, replied, “Vafanculo cornuto! If you can’t take it, don’t dish it out.” Since both Cuomo and Dr. Trump are from Queens, nothing was lost in translation.

Secession and the dis-United States’ 2024 Election: Don Jr Says, “If it’s what I think it is, I love it.”

Though Dr Trump condemned the secession referendum as rigged, many observers believe he’s happy to see the Pacific coast states’ 74 electoral votes removed from Don Jr’s 2024 electoral college calculations. Without west coast electoral votes, Democratic nominee Kamala Harris can repeat Richard Nixon’s parting post-resignation shot in 1974: “California here I come, right back where I started from.”

Joisey Borderland?

In the east the Democrats’ old Blue Wall is now a thin dotted blue line drawn in central New Jersey since New England’s referendum vote to secede and reunite with Old England. New Jersey may split into New and Old Jersey, with its New York vowel speakers in Nawth Joisey joining New England, while its Philly vowel speakers stay put in the dis-United States. Nawth Joisey celebrity mobster Tony Soprano said the secession referendum was an offer he couldn’t refuse, since it meant becoming a compatriot of Princes William and Harry and the Queen: “I’m a sucker for celebrity”, the reality-TV mobster confessed. With Joisey split in two, Soprano can now pursue his political ambitions to become the reality-TV Joisey Berlusconi.

One New Jersey senator, Cory Booker, said he’d rather commute between Newark and London than Newark and Washington with Dr. Trump in the White House. Booker, a former Rhodes Scholar, said:

Hey, this is a homecoming for me. I’m looking forward to playing real football and pub crawling with my old Oxford classmates. Their Brexit is my reentry into parliament and much better pub ale and darts.

The other New Jersey senator, Bob Menendez, is on the fence with former NJ governor, Chris Christie, in the central New Jersey college town, Princeton. They’re undecided about where the biggest campaign contributions might lie. Menendez sounded out his favorite K Street lobbyists about serving in parliament and congress simultaneously since nothing in the constitution says he can’t. But even the lobbyists said that was gaming the system to a point that was a transatlantic bridge too far.

Divorce with Prepaid Alimony

After two coastal secession referenda, the environmental outlook for the now dis-United States moves from Green New Deal to Frack Black Gold Deal. The FFUSA (Fossil Fueled USA) has waved goodbye and good riddance to the globalist Green New Deal coastal secessionists with numerous frackabilly tunes on social media and black gas-belching boat and pickup truck parades. It’s a fitting final appendix to The Big Sort: The Clustering of Like-Minded America, which has now literally torn America apart.

Echoing Dr Trump’s 2016 campaign, AOC (former US Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez), New York governor Andrew Cuomo both called for an ultra-light, drone-lifted airborne climate curtain wall and wind turbines to be built west of Woodstock in New York and in South Jersey, to be paid for by Pennsylvania’s frackers, bailed out Appalachian coal barons and methane-belching North Carolina hog farmers. Amazon said it could develop the solar-powered drones to keep the curtain aloft. California governor Gavin Newsom agreed, saying

“Neither Dr Trump nor Steve Bannon could get Mexico to pay for their wall, but we have a surefire way to get the frackers to pay for our wall: threaten to cancel their Amazon Prime and Netflix subscriptions, their Facebook and Twitter accounts and their kids’ Snapchat and Tik-tok accounts. We know how to play hardball for a future that’ll be greener than orange air in Bel Air.”

Hearing this, Nevada’s governor said he may call for a similar secession referendum, since the state’s casinos depend so much on west coast gamblers spending their Silicon Valley and Seattle stock option money in Las Vegas and Reno:

“We can’t have a wall between Nevada’s casinos and their biggest customers. We know joining a new nation as a junior partner is a gamble. But nobody knows gambling like we do. So why not roll the referendum dice?”

That makes for one less blue state for Don Jr. to worry about in this year’s election.

President Inslee Fedexed Trump a rake to use in the Rose Garden and an orange mask to match his skin colour to the colour of the air during last year’s west coast wildfires. Newsom invited Trump to use the rake in a photo op on his next visit to California as a foreign leader to instruct the state’s firefighters in forest management: “it’s a much better photo op prop than that bible he used in 2020.”

Secession will also enable the west coast states to rejoin the Paris Climate Agreement. Radical emissions reduction will provide the example that the now dis-US needs, which may reduce wildfire risk. But the fossil fueled inland heartlanders said rising sea levels will put the coastal secessionists under water before they’ll change their way of life. Property prices in the Poconos are rising, as fracking investors anticipate its conversion to prime beachfront, the fossil fueled Hamptons of the dis-United States. Instead of Pennsatucky, parts of Pennsylvania may become Pennshawaii.

Speaking of which, west coast secession turns Hawaii into a kind of island Pacific Kaliningrad, the Russian Baltic enclave surrounded by Poland and Lithuania. Hawaii’s tourism industry, stricken by the dis-US’ high COVID rates, is looking to create a travel bubble with low COVID rate nations like South Korea, Japan, China, Taiwan, New Zealand, Vietnam and Australia. Threatened by rising sea levels, Hawaiians, are in no mood to contribute to their own demise by remaining in a union with the Fossil Fueled USA (FFUSA).

The rich west coast states also intend to use the transfer payments that previously went to subsidize the welfare queen states in the south and mountain west. This will allow California to build affordable housing that will reduce the number of LA and Bay Area super commuters travelling 2–4 hours each way to work due to high urban housing costs.

The three secessionist states view their share of the national debt as already paid off due to the accumulated deficits in federal funds received compared to the far higher amounts of federal taxes paid by their citizens. In this divorce from the welfare queens like Kentucky and South Carolina, whose citizens paid only a small fraction in income taxes of the funds they received from the federal government, the alimony has been amply prepaid (https://www.marketwatch.com/story/states-that-voted-for-trump-depend-the-most-on-big-government-2019-06-19 ; https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2014/05/which-states-are-givers-and-which-are-takers/361668/ )

Invoking the no taxation without representation slogan of the American Revolution, they’re already celebrating their escape from the electoral college system that values a Wyoming voter four times more than a California voter. The new nation will have no Senate. Instead it will have a Canadian style parliament with real one person one vote, elections on weekends, paid time off for working people to vote, automatic voter registration of all citizens, online voting like Estonia, Finland and Iceland and ranked choice voting to mitigate polarisation.

Like Canadians, Pacificans will be able to call themselves Americans with health care but without guns. Unlike the FFUSA they’ll catch up to South Korea, Taiwan, New Zealand, Australia, the Nordic countries, Estonia, Italy and France in basic measures of well-being like healthcare access, social mobility, lifespan, workplace safety and infant mortality stats. Pacifica will have less viral and obesity epidemic American exceptionalism, but still be home to Microsoft, Amazon, Facebook, Twitter, Boeing, Apple, Netflix, Disney, Tesla, Google, Snapchat, Cisco, HP, Costco, Dreamworks, Disney, Whatsapp and Instagram. Real antitrust enforcement will get these last two divested from Facebook.

What’s left of the dis-United States won’t mind since so many defense contractors like Lockheed-Martin, Microsoft, Northrup-Grumman, General Dynamics and Boeing are now Pacifican. The Pentagon has advised Dr. Trump that they, and therefore he, needs them more than vice-versa. Suckers’ and losers’ vendetta, like COVID’s, is best served cold.