Were You Disappointed In Your Labor?

How to change the way you think about your birth story

If you are anything like me, you like to plan and organize. To have everything fall into neat little checkboxes and go smooth sailing. I love my checklists and to-do lists. I love my plans. And so, when it came to creating our birth plan, I was in heaven.

Plan A. Check

Plan B. Check.

Plan C. Check.

In reality, my first-time labor did not go according to any plan. Not A, B, or C!

I vomited for 12 hours; I cried. I yelled and swore a bit too. I am pretty sure I probably pooped.

It was nothing like I had visualized or planned. And speaking to many people, this seems to be quite common when it comes to labor. All my plans went out the window, and in the end, I was begging the doctors and midwives to get the baby out however they could.

The second time around, I was more realistic in my expectations. I wanted to do it without pain relief but was open to options. And I didn’t have any concrete plans except for “get the baby out safe and healthy.”

I felt traumatized by my first labor. So the second time around, I felt scared, petrified even.

It got me thinking about how disappointed I was the first time around.

I needed to change the way I thought about our birth story so that I could move forward and leave the pain and humiliation behind.

How to change the way you think about your birth story.

I am sure on the general scale of birth stories; my first-time labor was not that traumatic. I did vomit, ended up with an epidural, episiotomy, and an instrumental birth (vacuum and forceps), I had uterine exhaustion (where my uterus stopped contracting ), and postpartum hemorrhage.

Whist all these things sound horrific, I birthed a healthy baby boy at the end of the day. It took me a good 8 weeks to fully recover from labor, but in the end, I was healthy as well. This is the number one thing I keep telling myself. Not everyone can say the same.

It helped to focus on this when thinking about my first experience with labor. However, I was still holding onto residual guilt and pain.

So how did I overcome these negative feelings when heading into labor with my second child?

Talk about it.

This was a huge one for me. I am not one who can discuss my feelings, let alone my fears, very easily. I absolutely hate to feel vulnerable. There is part of me that believes by sharing these types of things and being honest, I would be vulnerable.

But I pulled my big girl panties on (very big because I was heavily pregnant by this stage), and I spoke to my midwife about my fears and concerns. I included my husband in the discussion because, well, he saw me poop the first time, so really there are no secrets between us now!

It really did help to talk it through with my midwife. She was so amazing. She helped me through those fears, and even though I was still nervous heading into labor the second time around, I was no longer petrified.

She allowed me the time and space to discuss my first labor, what went wrong, how I felt about that, and how she and the doctor can help me the second time around to feel comfortable and stick to a birth plan I wanted.

Put away that guilt and feelings of failure.

For some reason, I felt guilty that I ended up with an epidural and instrumental birth. Silly, I know. But once again, this is a common feeling amongst women who have been unable to have a “natural” labor. Those who needed drugs, an episiotomy, an instrumental birth (I ticked all 3 there), or even a c-section, for some reason, feel guilty and as though we failed.

When I expressed this to my husband and midwife, they were both like:

“But no matter how he arrived, you had a healthy baby. And that is the most important thing.”

It took me repeating this to myself many times. Thousands, in fact, before it really sank in. It didn’t matter how he arrived in this world. What mattered is he and I were both safe and healthy.

So if you feel like you failed, or feel guilty, that for whatever reason you could not or chose not to have a so-called “natural” birth, just remember: You and your child are safe. You are healthy. And that is the most important thing.

Here is a great article on 15 Reasons NOT to feel shame for getting an epidural. It helps to put things into perspective.

Power of positive thinking.

My midwife asked me to think about any POSITIVE experiences from my labor.

Straight away, my response was “nothing.” But she made me sit quietly and think about it for a few minutes.

I came up with:

• I was proud of how much I endured before asking for the epidural—12 hours of labor, with about 10 of those hours vomiting. Ever tried to vomit whilst having a contraction? It was awful.
• My husband was a freakin rock! He was amazing, holding my hand, rubbing my back, stroking my hair, giving me ice chips, and even held the vomit bag for me…quite a feat considering he is a sympathetic vomiter. In 18 hours of labor, the only time he left my side was to go to the toilet.
• The beginning of labor at home, although obviously, the contractions were painful, was beautiful. We were so excited, and it was nice to enjoy that time as just a couple knowing soon our life would completely change.
• The birthing suite was a calm sanctuary in the hospital. It felt like we were in our own little bubble (until I went to the ward for an epidural and monitoring). We had soft lighting, music and I was able to move around as I wanted to.
• When I held my son in my arms for the first time, and he gazed up at us, I saw the expression on my husband's face. I fell in love with him all over again (cliche, I know).

When you think about your labor, what positives do you focus on?

To sum up tips on how to change your mindset around your labor:

• Talk about it.
• Learn how to put those feelings of guilt and failure to rest.
• Power of positive thinking.

Did you have a traumatic experience with your labor? Have you overcome it?

Rachel Maree is a writer, mum and registered nurse. Bringing you the real truth to parenting, nursing and writing (even when it is downright ugly). You can read more articles or hire her to write amazing content for you — Rachel Maree.

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