Humor | Satire
We’re Thrilled to Announce the Birth of Our Son
Yes, we know he’s 12.
I don’t know if you’ve heard about this new trend called “not sharing every detail of your life on social media,” but we’ve really gotten on board with it.
For example, instead of notifying every single person I know that I’m going to the grocery store and I’m going to be soooooo upset 😭 if they don’t have Anjou pears and blue cheese-stuffed olives, I just go to the store without telling anyone.
(Other than my immediate family, of course, who should probably know where I am in the event of an emergency and so they don’t think I’ve run off to begin a new life as a blackjack dealer named Ruby, which is apparently something I talk about doing. A lot.)
Everyone probably knows that our last pregnancy was rough, so in the spirit of keeping our personal lives precious and sacred, this time we decided not to announce that we were expecting.
Still, it’s nice to let your friends and extended family know about major milestones in your life, so we’re thrilled to announce the birth of our son, Cody!
He’s 12 now and usually in the bathroom doing all kinds of things that we really, really don’t want to talk about.
It was a little bit of an ordeal cropping the Codymeister out of every single family photo, but it’s been worth it to maintain our little familial love bubble, unsullied by judgmental comments like, “WHY WOULD YOU CONCEAL THE EXISTENCE OF YOUR SON FOR 12 YEARS??”
And that was just from Cody.
It took some self-control not to unfriend him immediately, but after much thought and reflection, I realized that maybe he has a point and I should have at least mentioned his birth in passing when he was actually born.
But once you’ve committed to a vow of online privacy, it can get a little out of control.
One minute you’re taking pictures of a half-eaten grilled cheese sandwich with the caption, “Say cheese!”, and the next you realize you’ve never mentioned that you’re now a sister-wife in Alaska and that Uriah and the rest of the sister-wives once locked you in the potato cellar for a week.
Is that something people would even be interested in? I feel like America has bigger fish to fry.
And what about my friends who don’t have kids? They’re probably like, “Ugh, enough with the baby stuff already. Tell me when he graduates high school.”
Honestly, I’m so relieved that everybody finally knows I had a baby 12 years ago. But now the twins are probably going to expect some kind of announcement, too, just to “CONFIRM THEIR EXISTENCE AND HEAL THEIR EMOTIONAL TRAUMA,” to use Cody’s memorable phrase. That kid!
Well, it’s just going to have to wait until after I pick them up from soccer practice and finish practicing my dealer clap. Ruby’s a busy lady.