We’re All Jonesn’ for the Special

Why being special is so addictive and how to find balance.

I have been single for the longest time in my life. For much of this time I have also chosen to not have another sexual partner beyond myself. Although I didn’t have a clear motive when I made these choices, beyond simplifying my life and turning my focus inward as I transitioned from my divorce, they were, and continue to be, deliberate.

This time has brought me a great awakening to the enormous power that feeling special plays in the life of a human being and where my own particular sense of specialness lies. I’m also coming to realize that finding the balance with specialness may indeed be the key to long-term contentment with myself and those I love.

Spe·cial /ˈspeSHəl/

Adjective: better, greater, or otherwise different from what is usual. Exceptionally good or precious. Belonging specifically to a particular person or place.

Specialness is the psyche’s opioid. It is the most wonderful feeling to know that someone else sees your distinct light and that they hold you above or apart from everyone else. You are important to them. You make their life meaningful in some way. It is downright addictive.

The carrier for this drug is attention. Why do you think social media is so successful? It’s one small special hit after another, served up as a like or comment. Specialness is also cyclical in that what often makes a person special to you is that you are special to them. When specialness reaches its zenith, the prime carrier is the ultimate form of attention: sex. Specialness can carry such weight that we literally can, and do, make it our identity: aka, marriage.

Herein lies the sanctity, promise and complexity the role monogamy plays in a conventional relationship. It has become the ultimate act of bestowing specialness. Monogamy maintains that one is so special to another that they give their body, and the intimacy that comes with it, only to that person. They literally relinquish ownership of their emotional and physical body to another as proof, or promise, of their partner’s specialness. What an incredible offering and incredibly slippery slope this is.

For women, this external valuation is particularly problematic as we are trained from birth to associate our worth with how sexually desirable we are to men. For many of us, especially subconsciously, our greatest achievement in life is to be special enough to ‘land a husband.’ Our culture has even codified the anti-wife in story and myth as the “Spinster;” the perpetually unhappy, rejected and unattractive woman (notice that there is not a male equivalent). In the modern era, without the benefit of a man’s consecration of specialness, non-coupled women are known as “cat ladies,” or “frigid.” It is still somewhat inconceivable to many that a woman could have a full and happy life as an uncoupled person or as part of a non-monogamous couple.

This is a slippery slope (in a bad way) because making monogamous sex the harbinger of our specialness, via a relationship, has allowed us to abdicate our own sense of value and worth to the sexual desirability we have from one other person. We put this enormous load of maintaining our sense of special onto this one person. What I’ve learned from my extended time alone is helping me rebalance my relationship with the special. Here’s what I’ve learned:

Sex is Special, But It Doesn’t Make You Special

I am not one for careless or casual sex. It’s just not in my DNA. I’ve had it, and occasionally had fun with it, but it pales in comparison to deep, connected, hot love making. So understand that I think sex is special. However, being without it for an extended period of time has shown me that sex doesn’t inherently make me special or not special. What makes me feel special is the sacredness I assign my body and my choice to offer it to another in a way that honors my relationship with myself. It doesn’t make my lover inherently special either. They were that before they ever came into my body, that’s why they’re there in the first place.

I’ve also been blessed with several beautiful and special relationships, over the course of my life. For our purposes here I’m specifically addressing the ones that included sex. Those relationships were all unique, uplifting and monogamous. They are part of informing my understanding of what specialness is for me. However, because I have experienced several consequential loves, I know that equating specialness to only-ness is a myth. Of the lovers I have had that I would classify as special, one does not exist in a higher state than the other. Each brought me something divine and I cherish them and the love we shared for what we shared; a completely unique expression of who we are and what we had together. Holding onto ‘the one’ myth is more often a construct of fear than of specialness. I believe it actually robs us of seeing and experiencing specialness that might not come in a sexual package. How many of us have written off what could’ve been one of our best friends because they weren’t ‘the one’ material?

Diversify Your Special Pool To this point we all need to diversify our special pool. When I stopped relying on just one relationship to make me feel special I started to explore the deeper ways my other relationships made me feel special. I also started investing more in cultivating specialness in those relationships. I became a better mom, daughter, friend, mentor and colleague. I started telling those that were significant to me that I cared about them on a more regular basis. When I was feeling special by their actions I acknowledged it. I wrote letters, knit hats and scarves. I made gift pie. I paid attention and gave attention. I never let a person I love enter my presence without a hug and I never let them leave me without hearing ‘I love you.’ This a simple and eternally true equation: if you want more love, make more love. If you want to feel special, make all those in your world that bring you a piece of special, feel special. Point out their light, let them know they make a difference in your world. Let them know they matter.

Demand Relationships that Support a Diverse Special Pool

When I started doing this I realized very quickly that many, many people are living without the benefit of love, attention and feeling special; may of them with rings on their left hand. I would even go so far as to say a large majority of people are living this way. It is almost as if we are collectively starved for real expressions of specialness. Upon my outreach, some people responded with tears or surprise, some with lingering hugs, some with awakening and some with unmitigated fear. In my experience, many people are living within the context of very constricted relationships and little communication to support growth within those relationships. We have adapted to this constriction by refining our emotional and physical needs downward, toward increasing deprivation.

We need to stop this. We need to start owning our right to cultivate love in our world from a diverse pool of relationships and reject or heal relationships in our lives that demand our stagnation at the altar of our partner’s specialness. I’m not talking about wholesale divorce or open marriages necessarily. I’m talking about the ability to have a rich and diverse group of people in your life that bring you the special without shame or fear of rejection. If you are living with a relationship that includes breaches of your privacy, control through emotional manipulation or the requirement of isolation unto the relationship, I would encourage you to step back and transform this by any means necessary. Your mental health, as well as those most affected by it, is in the balance.

Where Did Your Specialness Come From?

One insight that has particularly helpful to me through this contemplation has been to excavate where my sense of specialness comes from. In other words, what actions make me feel special and why. It’s not an earth-shattering revelation. It comes from my dad and I suspect for nearly everyone they can trace their specialness back to their parents. I was raised by a single father, who happened to adore me and shared multiple points of connection with me. He was also a very affectionate man so I was never at want for a hug or a cuddle. He was my original soul mate. To this point, I understand that people who get me, adore me, like to share their soul bits with me and can’t keep their hands off me make me feel special. You might think, “duh, everyone likes that,” but that is not always the case. Some people had very remote or critical parents and thus might feel special if people their lives deliver attention through conditional love or controlling behavior. The reason it was important for me to understand the source of my “special” DNA was, again, to understand that specialness really does start with my internal landscape, not another person. This was empowering for me and gave me the confidence to know that I could always tweak my particular dynamic toward healthier connections with those in my life and enter new relationships with a better understanding of what I need from my partner.

Learn to Not Be Special Sometimes

Yep, it’s that simple. Sometimes you just have to get off the junk. You have to remove yourself from external validation and let other things fill you up. Alone time is the key for me and something that is precious in a busy life. You just simply need to be by yourself and oftentimes be quiet and still as well. At first it might feel empty and lonely, but with more devotion to it you find an increasing need for this respite and opportunity for an internal recharge. I also find breaking from social media a huge benefit in this regard. Social media has upped our need for specialness by making a low quality version of it available at any time. Demanding only the high quality special that comes from real world interactions with people that you’re truly connected with keeps the needs in check and standards high.

The truth is to love in any form gives life meaning. When you accept this as the main purpose in your life then every relationship is special for what it is and the need to place a hierarchy on love vanishes. You also stop worrying about losing love because you understand that it is available to you constantly. It is an eternal action. Real, beautiful, special, unique love is available to you all the time. It doesn’t exists exclusively through your romantic partner. Yes, you have a real, beautiful, special, unique love with them, but you also have that with your child or parent, with your best friend of 30 years, with that new friend of six months or perhaps even a stranger that dies in your arms. One love cannot diminish another love. Each relationship encompasses the acts of love that belong to that relationship. Where love resides, so does the special.

Kathryn Dickel is an Founder/CEO of Pollinate Ritual. She writes about the reimagination of eternal relationships, entrepreneurial life and spirituality. Support her work here.