We’re All Allowed to Suffer
Yes, even Justin Timberlake with his parenting woes
During a recent interview on SiriusXM, Justin Timberlake expressed his thoughts on being in lockdown with his five-year-old son:
“We’re mostly commiserating over the fact that just 24-hour parenting is just not human.”
Timberlake’s comments were slammed on social media. Many expressed their outrage at him being out of touch since his wealth and status afford him luxuries not possible for most parents during lockdown.
Many of us still need to work to provide for our families (if even possible — millions are currently out of work) and aren’t able to take a break and not worry about finances. Plus, many parents are having to homeschool their kids on top of everything else.
It’s fair to assume that the Timberlakes are wealthy enough to take time off work without worry.
While I agree that most people are probably doing it tougher than Justin Timberlake, he still has the right to admit to hardship.
There will always be someone suffering more, so comparison is pointless. As much as we can be grateful and appreciative that our circumstances aren’t worse, we are also allowed to feel stressed and depressed — no matter who we are.
Particularly considering that we are all grieving a loss of our regular routines and way of life thanks to the current pandemic.
My life isn’t even close to what Timberlake’s would look like. Yet, as much as I’m grieving cafe catch-ups with friends, spending time with extended family, and my two-days-a-week break from my daughter while she’s at preschool, Timberlake is probably grieving whatever it is his life looked like before COVID-19.
I’m not saying we should pity the wealthy and that some recent comments made by celebrities haven’t been tactless, but even the rich and famous are allowed to struggle and admit to it.
The real difference is that the rich and famous have more money and resources to access services (whether they do access or not is a different story) to help them deal with their mental health if they’re struggling. That’s what people should be mad about — certain privileges that come with being wealthy and famous that don’t come easily to the average individual thanks to societal and political issues — not that celebrities are suffering in the first place.
Why we’re all suffering right now
There are many reasons people are struggling, but aside from the anxiety directly related to the uncertainty and fear that comes with this pandemic and the loss of loved ones, there are two main things that are adding to our distress: a loss of routine and a loss of choice.
It’s not that being stuck at home watching Netflix and eating everything in sight is so bad. It’s that our normal routines no longer exist and we’ve lost the choices we’re used to having.
We’re all grieving a life that was.
Loss of routine
Everything has changed. It’s not just that major events have been cancelled — travel plans, weddings, sporting events, concerts — it’s the changes to everyday life that are having a big impact because we’re having to adapt to a new way of life.
Hell, I’m even grieving trips to the doctor’s office when the chairs weren’t spaced 1.5 metres apart and I could grab a trashy magazine for a read from a communal pile. Now, I sit anxiously and wonder how weird it would be to strip my clothes off at the front door to my house when I get home so I can chuck them straight into the washing machine.
We’ve had to change how we go about life on a daily basis, and that’s overwhelming.
Loss of choice
In addition to the anxiety many of us might be feeling over the everyday losses we’re experiencing, we’re also experiencing a loss of autonomy.
Most of us aren’t used to such high levels of restriction. Governments around the world have shut down non-essential services and have created laws to help stop the spread of COVID-19.
While these new laws are in our best interest, they’ve also taken away our choices — from who we can visit to how we interact outside and even inside our homes. These restrictions can have a big impact on our mental health even if they are only temporary.
The current laws where I live dictate that two adults can now visit another household as long as social distancing is still practised.
I have been abiding by these rules but not because the government says so. I have been doing my bit because I have a newborn and the need to protect my family is in overdrive so I’m doing what I feel is best for my family.
Even though the government is doing the right thing, there’s still this defiant little voice in my head that scoffs at their laws because I don’t need the government to enforce such measures. My choice will always be to protect my family, but enforcing something is taking away choice even if the outcome is the same.
People become restless without even the appearance of choice and control.
A study in 1998 highlighted a connection between a loss of decision-making and autonomy within the workforce and high levels of stress.
While many of us realise that staying at home and keeping our distance from people is the best thing we can do right now, it’s still a blow being coerced into doing so. Particularly when most of us are used to coming and going from our homes as much as we like and we’re now lacking that choice.
Give yourself permission to grieve
Losing our normal way of life and our choices might seem insignificant when compared to others who are experiencing much heavier losses, but it’s okay to feel these smaller losses too (even when we know it’s for the best).
Stop thinking about those whose experiences are worse than your own. And stop thinking about the people whose experiences aren’t so bad compared to your own. We all have our struggles and we all cope in different ways.
The novelist Kenji Miyazawa said:
“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey”
With that in mind, give yourself permission to grieve so that you can move forward and adapt to a new way of life and what’s still to come. And while you’re at it, let Justin Timberlake and the like have their grief too.
