HUMOR

We’re About to Blow — All Talking Heads of Corporate America Listen the F**^ Up

Industries suffer from FOMO too

Nincompoops and bobbleheads should unionize in corporate America. They need time off, hearing aids, a seeing eye dog, and critical thinking skills.

Have these greedy bottomfeeders ever heard, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it?

It never fails. When sales people work smarter, are highly productive, exceed budget, and make bonus every quarter — the upper echelon of executives get their cajones in a bunch.

They’re conjuring up a fat cash cow in their heads, “we must not be squeezing Sales tits hard enough — we need more milk. More at least until their nips shrivel up and fall off. Then we’ll move them out to pasture.”

It’s known in any industry — you’re only as good as your last sale no matter what the hell you’re selling.

No different here. Your last story has seen daylight, luckily. The next day 100,000 other stories are competing for your shine, pushing you off the top or side of the mountain you’re dangling from upside down by silly string.

Remember silly string? Nevermind. Google it if you must.

“We need to diversify,” is the first flash signal of the impending shitload of man whining about market share they’re not getting like their playmates in the sandbox next door. These MOFOS are suffering from FOMO.

Didn’t mommy teach you, “big boys don’t cry?” “Wasted water is all it is and it don’t make no flowers grow,” said Bill Withers, in his number one hit, Just the Two of Us. Well, it ain’t just the two of us. But it’s about to be minus one of us. Just kidding. What you can’t take a joke?

By the way, your stiff lapel is getting soggy and your tie pin is rusting — wait, you’re still wearing ties?

Sorry, not sorry dudes — we still love you. No really. You’re our favorite.

“But, but — this is working for us,” sales people snivel.

What about the rule — 80% of business comes from 20% of our accounts? Why look for new business outside when you can grow it from within — is this not the holy mantra taught in Sales 101?

You know this takes actual skill. Why go skipping off into the yonder when more sales can evolve right here?

“Hmmff, they say — what else you got?”

The immense competition in Sales makes your head swivel backwards, detach from your body if you’re not careful — especially if meditation isn’t part of your daily regimen to keep it straight on top of your spasmodic torticollis neck — a side effect from twisting it like Scooby-Doo every time upper management says something stupid. Errooo?

If you’re in a market with too much big brand saturation and you’re a little guy, your ass will sizzle like grandma’s hickory smoked bacon.

But what does this type of rat race mindset do to your psyche — is it motivating? No, it’s almost depressing. When the MAN says, it’s just not enough on a Zoom call, no less with all the other bobbleheads listening.

Why? What the hell in tarnation? Did we not just fill your coffers with gold — increase your profit margin? Shoot your bottom line into the stratosphere?

What — you think this shit is easy? Talking to people all day who have a severe lack of common sense? Have you not noticed the extreme deficit in your own conversations with each other?

We see minutes of our lives evaporating before our eyes like steam when tangled in an unnecessary elongated convo with folks that should have gotten the point in five minutes or less. We all know some people are plain nuts with no salt. Do we get reward points for that?

I’d rather talk to third graders.

Not to mention the ten emails back and forth on a singular concept because these lovelies failed the comprehension portion of their exams throughout their tenure at Any School, USA.

We’ve driven down this same cul-de-sac before — around and around we go, only to return to the same street with tactics that make us successful year round.

Yet, the bags under your eyes remind us you can’t sleep thinking about all the money your competitors might be making. Grow up. You’re getting your fair share.

All your little reports tell you so in a thousand different ways. Newsflash — it isn’t rocket science.

Do you think diminishing your sales team efforts and success is motivating? No. It makes sales people want to burn your shit down. Money isn’t the only show of appreciation.

I can’t lie. We do like it when you show us the money though — keep it coming.

In the meantime, we’ll keep blowing smoke up your ass.