self-improvement
Wellness: The DIY Approach
Power Dynamics in Everyday Life
Ever strolled through a bookstore and stumbled upon the self-help section? You know, those books that promise to sprinkle a bit of magic on your personal growth or help you kick some not-so-great habits. It’s not quite psychology, not exactly spirituality, and definitely not a crash course in business or history. It’s like a mixed bag of goodies.
Robert Greene recently told the Huberman Lab that booksellers were unclear which area to put him in. For those unfamiliar with his work, Greene digs into complicated issues like as human nature, power, and seduction, weaving them via history, psychology, mythology, and so on. Booksellers categorized him under self-help, a motley shelf with a bit of everything due to his unique combination of topics.
My favorite book from Robert Greene is “The 48 Laws of Power.” I came across this gem many years ago, and it was a game-changer that opened my eyes to the intricate dynamics of ‘Power’ and how it influences every aspect of life. Initially, one might assume it’s a manual on acquiring power to manipulate others, but the real essence lies in understanding the manipulative games people play to gain power over you.
As a child, I was taught to “treat people how you want to be treated” and that everyone is inherently good. However, reality hits hard, revealing that there are individuals out there with less-than-noble intentions, aiming to exploit and use you for their own gains. This book serves as a guide to navigating the subtle tactics and strategies employed by such individuals.
Whether you tend to brush off office politics or not, ignoring the principles outlined in this book can leave you vulnerable to manipulation, feeling helpless, being taken advantage of, and potentially missing out on promotions or due credit for your efforts. I strongly recommend “The 48 Laws of Power” not only for leaders but also for employees. It equips you with the knowledge to identify predators, defend against manipulation, and gain confidence in handling various interpersonal challenges. It’s a must-read that empowers you to navigate the complex web of power dynamics in both personal and professional spheres.
What self-help means and doesn’t mean
If we go by the “help yourself” definition, every bookstore has self-help books. Any book you read helps you become wiser, gain new knowledge about the world or yourself. How do you decide which book is self-help? Do you buy and have someone else read them before bed? Or are the unfinished ones less helpful?
The DIY (do-it-yourself ) culture from hardware stores has spread to personal development. If you renovate your bathroom after buying tools yourself, it’s self-help. If you call a plumber and/or a painter, it’s not. Similarly, if you go to a therapist, coach, mentor, or counselor, it means you are working ON yourself. If you don’t go anywhere and write alone on paper, it means you are working WITH yourself.
“There’s a fork in the road,” as the English say. I believe everything we do is self-help, from brushing our teeth in the morning, making our own coffee or buying it, to the entire architecture of our well-being, involving various activities and specialists.
Going to therapy, counseling, coaching, or sports is self-help. You help yourself because you decide to go, you answer questions, you think, you do the exercises. Yes, someone is there to guide you, mirror your state, provide a training plan, and so on. But at any moment, you are sovereign and autonomous. And when you stop going to the gym in February, even though you paid for an annual subscription, it sounds strange, but it’s still self-help. You help yourself be more comfortable or allocate time to another activity, or any other reason.
What happens in the “personal development” industry is that it gives the impression that we depend on others to make us feel good. And we outsource, as it’s said in corporate language, both the activity itself and the power. Want to change jobs? Need to call your coach to see what they think. Moving to another city? Call your mentor or therapist. Should I buy this dress? Call a friend.
It’s okay to seek advice from others; it’s great to need each other. Things get complicated when we hand over the key to our free will to them. Which we have and should use. It’s nice when it comes with the freedom to choose our vacations or the dinner menu. It becomes more complicated when decisions have stakes and risks. That’s why it’s good to train ourselves to make them on our own.
The mission of a coach is to help those seeking their path to find it on their own Dependency on a specialist feels like a burden on the other side of the table. Sometimes, we are seen as a jukebox of ideas: “Tell me what else you can do to make me happy!” And the best thing we can do is share our observation with the person in front and take back the microphone on the stage of our own lives. Otherwise, we fall into various syndromes and feel not just necessary but downright indispensable.
There are moments in life when, more or less determined by how we’ve lived it until then, we can become highly dependent on others — physically, financially, mentally. I believe it’s up to each of us to make every effort to prevent such a situation. And going back to what I was saying, this is done every day: we allocate a few minutes to each decision to gather our thoughts. Or when we decide that sometimes we need more time for ourselves. Or that we invest in what makes us human — mind, soul, body — and offer help to others but let them choose whether to accept it or not. Or that we ask for help when we need another pair of eyes, another head, or a shoulder.
There are numerous tools available, including workshops, workbooks, webinars, and other websites, to assist us get started. But it is up to each of us to decide which ones we want and, most importantly, what purpose they serve. I believe it all begins with “who am I, how do I want to be, and what am I willing to do for it.” It’s the initial step toward any type of assistance.
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