Welcome to the Neighborhood

Dave and Tamara Baker were very happy the day they moved into their first home on 5487 Prescott Lane. While the house wasn’t a huge one by any means, it had a lovely brick exterior and a spacious lawn and looked cozy and welcoming.

The Bakers might not have been so happy if the realtor had known to warn them about Fitz, Grimley, and Hubble.

Fitz, Grimley, and Hubble were household gnomes. Their duty in life was to steal everyday objects from houses and savor the uproar when the occupants couldn’t find their things. Every household has at least one of these annoying buggers creeping around. If you hear inexplicable thumps and creaks in the walls and find that your car keys are gone when you know damn well you left them on the coffee table, somewhere a household gnome is clutching those keys and giggling.

The three gnome brothers gathered in the air vent closest to the living room to observe the Bakers.

“Can you believe this is ours, Dave?” Tamara said. The soft lighting flattered her hair, which was the same shade of dark blonde as the hardwood flooring.

“It’s exciting, babe,” Dave said, polishing his glasses.

“It’s so perfect! Like something out of a TV show,” Tamara cooed. She spun in a circle and inhaled the smells of fresh paint and flooring. “Wait until Tricia sees this fireplace! She’ll just die.”

“I think I’m going to be sick,” Fitz grumbled. “I hate these two already.”

“Oooo, it’s sooo perfect,” Hubble singsonged, trying to imitate Tamara’s high, breathy voice. “Bah!” He removed the small round hat he wore and rubbed his pointy ears.

“Plenty of shiny things in there, though,” Fitz said, squinting over his round spectacles. “And a fireplace means easy access.”

“Easy access is good,” Grimley said. The other two gnomes looked at him and then traded nervous glances.

Fitz and Hubble were accomplished thieves. But poor Grimley didn’t have his brothers’ knack for swiping items that humans would actually miss, and he’d often return to their lair with things like a used string of dental floss or an empty can. After the day he brought home a moldy slice of half-eaten pizza, the others had encouraged Grimley to stay in their tunnels beneath the houses and serve as a lookout.

“What am I looking out for?” he’d asked.

“Danger,” Fitz had replied, trying to sound solemn. “And cats.” Have you ever wondered why a sleeping cat will suddenly jolt awake and start racing around your house? It’s because you’ve got gnomes, and Kitty is trying to fix that situation for you. Sometimes the threat of cats was enough to keep Grimley down in the tunnels, but not always.

The brothers split up and spent most of that night prowling through the neighborhood. They met back in their lair the next morning.

Hubble frowned when he noticed that Grimley seemed out of breath. “Grim? Did you stay at your post?”

Grimley stared down at the dirt floor of their lair.

“No,” he said. “But I found something interesting.”

“So did I,” said Fitz, who had always been the best thief of the three. Fitz opened his red knapsack and brandished a flat, rectangular item slightly larger and shinier than a deck of playing cards.

“Look at this, lads,” he crowed. “It’s an Eye Phone!”

“Ooooh,” his brothers said. Humans spent so much time staring at their Eye Phones that the gnomes quite naturally assumed the devices were actual extensions of the human eye.

“So much running around and swearing when they noticed that was missing!” Fitz said, cackling.

“Can they see without their Eye Phones?” Grimley had big, bulging eyes that looked in slightly different directions. The subject of eyesight worried him greatly.

“Don’t know, but they sure can yell without them!” Fitz rubbed his long skinny hands together with glee.

“Look here, fellows!” Hubble reached into his blue knapsack and brought out a long maroon lanyard with a laminated badge hanging from it. A small photo of a human face stared out from the front of the shiny card.

“What’s that, then?” Fitz scratched his head.

“The owner said he can’t get into his office without it. You should have heard the language! Said he’ll get charged twenty-five bleeping dollars for another one, only he didn’t say ‘bleep’!”

“My turn!” Grimley said, silencing the laughter from the other two at once. He reached into his green knapsack and brought out a long beige cord with a plug on one end and a socket on the other.

“I nicked it from the new people!” Grimley said proudly.

Fitz and Hubble rolled their eyes.

“So what’s that do?” Hubble asked, sounding resigned.

“I ‘unno,” Grimley said. “It was stuck in a closet.”

“Why didn’t you just take a glove or something?” Fitz asked.

“Because gloves are boring.”

“Grim, what’d we tell you about this?” Fitz said. “You can’t just take any old junk you see.”

“It’s not junk,” Grimley said, his plump cheeks turning red.

“How do you know?” Hubble snapped. “You don’t even know what it does. You never know what the stuff you take does. You just clutter up our lair with it, you useless blob!”

Grimley bared his yellowed teeth. “Know what? I think I just figured out what this is for.” He grabbed the cord between his fists, advanced on Hubble, and wrapped the cord around Hubble’s neck. As Hubble gasped and spluttered and tried to shake Grimley off, Fitz waved a hand and shushed them.

“Boys! Listen! It’s the new folks.”

Grimley reluctantly released Hubble, who promised to settle the score with Grimley later as he rubbed his neck. They followed Fitz to a vent in the Baker household where they could best overhear the action.

Tamara stood by the downstairs closet calling to Dave, who leaned over the banister upstairs.

“I can’t find the extension cord,” she yelled. “That outlet’s too far away from my desk and I can’t plug the computer in. And I have to start teleworking in thirty minutes!”

“I told you — it’s in that closet on the top shelf.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Look again!”

“I did.”

The gnomes glanced at each other and then down at the odd beige cord Grimley held.

“D’you suppose this is what they’re yelling about?” Hubble said. “It’s long, and it’s got a plug.”

“Could be,” Fitz said. “Definitely could be.”

“Why don’t you just move the whole desk over?” Dave called.

“Because then the sun will be in my eyes and there’s no blind on that window yet,” Tamara yelled back.

“Jesus Christ, Tam. Just set up somewhere else, then.” Dave was clearly losing his patience.

“Don’t you ‘Jesus Christ’ me. Why do you always put these things where nobody can find them?”

“Why is everything always my fault?”

“Because you lost the goddamn cord.”

“Fine! I’ll go to Home Depot when it opens and get another one. Will that make you happy?”

“No! I’ll have to sign on late and my boss will be pissed. How can I not find one extension cord in this whole house? How did you manage that?”

“I never even wanted a frigging house,” Dave shouted. “I was happy in our apartment. You’re the one who wouldn’t shut up about it!”

“Oh, sure. You’d probably still be living on your mother’s couch if it was up to you!”

The gnomes couldn’t stand it any more. They dashed back down to their lair and collapsed in fits of laughter. Tears poured from their eyes and they rolled on the dirt floor, holding their plump bellies and kicking their little knobby feet in the air.

Just as they were starting to settle down, they heard a great roar from the Baker house.

“THAT IS IT!” Dave Baker stormed out of the house, slamming the door so hard that the gnomes’ lair shook. And that set them off in another great fit of laughter.

“No more,” Fitz moaned, wiping his streaming eyes as he struggled to his feet. Grimley had the hiccups from laughing so hard. Hubble pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and honked his nose.

Fitz finally pulled himself together and clapped Grimley on the back.

“You know, Grim, maybe we’ve got you all wrong. That was an inspired choice after all.”

Grimley smiled shyly before letting out another “Hic!”

So the next time a vital possession of yours goes missing, please don’t take it out on your housemates. If you get a reputation as someone who throws big, noisy fits, the gnomes will target your house over and over again just for the entertainment value. Count to ten and try to be patient; the gnomes will eventually replace your item when they get bored with it.

Failing all else, get a cat.