Welcome to the 500-Word Rant.
A Zen-like exercise in discipline, staying in the present, and letting go of all worldly care, except my extreme anger.
In my journey to become a high quality writer (as evidenced here, here, here, and here), I’ve noticed some bad habits.
Those faults include, but are not limited to:
- An almost addictive adoration anchored in avidity and attached to any and all alliteration.
- The desire to write about too many subjects in the same article.
- A reckless love for the stream of consciousness expression.
- The bizarre notion that readers won’t mind ridiculously long set-ups, as long as there’s a good punch line, for example:
“I started to write a brief response… But how could the simple phrase “just keep writing, it really does matter” suffice, when I could whip up a 1,000-word post out of (and composed primarily by) thin air?”
To overcome these bad habits, I will write 500-word essays.
To symbolize this new discipline, here is a new icon to represent my personal brand.
Introducing the cool creative dude icon, with ideas so bright, he has to wear sunglasses.
According to one of Medium’s gurus, you should have a personalized text divider to communicate your personal brand.
The problem is that people think I’ve got a bald, fat head and those light rays are reflections off my glistening dome.
That is 100% false; I have all my hair, wear sunglasses and have ideas all the time.
And some people have called me a fat head (this is not fat-shaming, just a reference to my stupidity).
The word “rant” can be defined as “to speak or shout at length in a wild, impassioned way.”
Also, it’s because that’s what you hear when older people try to teach you something.
Ageism is the last acceptable form of discrimination.
All you younger fools think you’re cool and hip and then, Bam!
You turn 30 and kids can no longer trust you.
You turn 40, at the height of your career and suddenly become the butt of jokes where you’re compared to an old fossil (not me, just people my age, damn it).
You turn 50 and you’re eligible to join AARP—while you still think you’re in the prime of life.
And when that happens to you, it won’t be so cool for other people to dump on old folks.
On the other hand, discounted movie tickets aren’t so bad.
Each essay will analyze a single issue with some specificity and make a serious point.
If I were a man of the cloth, you would it a sermon.
If I were a millennial, you would call it a “fearless young voice of the new generation.”
If I were a woman, you would call it “an empowered, take-no-prisoners stand against the patriarchy.”
And if I were a person of color, you would call it “some Uncle Tom posing as a social justice warrior.”
Black Lives Matter I can get behind, but don’t tell me it’s racism that Black Panther didn’t win the Oscar for best picture.
Get Out was better.
