HUMOR
Welcome to StarMucks Cafe*
The Make-It-Yourself Coffee Shop
Welcome to the first make-it-yourself upscale coffee brewing experience in Seattle!
- *We are in no way affiliated with StarTrucks, StarLucks, or StarDeer. We also aren’t pretentious douches**.
- All visitors must wear a face-mask upon entry. If you don’t have a facemask, we can provide you with one. If you don’t want to wear one, we can provide you with a grade 5 education and/or a sense of human decency.
- Please wear shoes to enter the premises. If you don’t have shoes, you are probably what is known as a ‘hipster’ and are wearing a pair of triple recycled Peruvian car tires that were probably never actually tires. These are also acceptable.
- There are no employees in this cafe. That’s because you make and brew the coffee yourselves! If you drink here often enough, you may be mistaken for a barista and asked to make coffee for others. You may do this, but please don’t unionize nor spit in the liquid (unless asked to do so).
- Handling boiling hot coffee can be dangerous. In fact, we recommend you don’t put your hands in any boiling liquid — here or outside of the cafe. If you do decide to handle hot coffee, we suggest you at least use a mug or other liquid receptacle before or after learning your lesson.
- This cafe operates on a trust-policy. You pay what you want to! (But if you don’t pay anything at all, we will probably hunt you and your relatives down like a heavily caffeinated Rambo when he’s in steroid withdrawal.)
- By entering this cafe, you hereby agree to our terms and conditions. If you would like to read said terms and conditions, you better bring a lawyer. Technically, even reading this paragraph means you completely signed away your rights to your image, wealth, and all future income. We also will be stopping by during the next blood moon to adopt your firstborn child. We will rename him Frank and train him to be a better barista than our current one, Tom.
- If you see any cats in or around the premises, please do not be alarmed. We’ve had an incredibly bad rat infestation for years and they are here to help. Mary in marketing felt we should rebrand as a ‘cat cafe’ but that suggestion is ridiculous and cat cafes are zoos for hipsters. You may also expect to see dogs in the near future to deal with our newfound cat problem.
- The coffee may or may not contain actual coffee or Spanish White.
- If you wish, you may also brew a fresh pot of tea. We have a lot of ingredients and materials to choose from, as long as it’s not actual tea or pot. The owners will accept pot in other forms as gratuity, however. Just tell us it’s tea inside the blunt wrap.
- To ensure a relaxing and productive environment, we have gentle music serenading you in the background. If you disagree with hearing the cult classic ‘Who Let the Dog’s Out’ on repeat and at extremely loud decibels all day long, we suggest you go somewhere else (and acquire some musical taste, you philistine).
- As this establishment is a brew-it-yourself location, we are aware that not all customers are able to draw mini Picasso's in their coffee. If this is the case — get out. We only accept greatness here.
- For those that can draw in the style of Michaelangelo and are willing to expand your craft, we do have lessons available. Just go on your phone, and Google ‘How can I be good enough for StarMucks Cafe?’. The answer will be a long-form article summarized as meaning, ‘you can’t.’
- Due to potential liability issues, we are no longer importing conflict-free coffee beans from foreign countries. Jerry in accounting hooked us up with a free-conflict source from Mr. Mike down on the corner of King St. After an abusive discussion, he said no one will bother us anymore if we buy solely from him. As he is a large individual (with at least 3 scary tattoos), he has since happily become our main supplier.
- We hope you have enjoyed your experience at StarMucks Cafe. If you are dissatisfied with the lack of service here, then please tell your friends. If the current president has taught us anything, it’s that controversy sells. Also, we called your mom fat.
- Thanks and come again!
- **The writer of this notice may or may not contain traces of douche. All readers are advised to consume at your own risk.
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