Humor in the grocery store

Welcome to Save On’s Self-Checkout From Hell

You probably should’ve picked the cashier

Welcome to Save On’s self-checkout.

Please scan your loyalty card.

I don’t have one.

Please scan your loyalty card. Or choose “skip”.

Skip.

Would you like to apply for a loyalty card?

No.

Trust issues, huh?

What?

How many bags would you like to purchase?

Oh My God. Can I just pay for my stuff?

Please scan your first item and place it in the bag.

(Beep)

Please place your item in the bag.

I did.

Please place your item in the bag.

It’s in the flipping bag.

(Silence)

(Item is taken out and put back in the bag.)

It looks like you need assistance. Push the attendant button.

(Wait for 22 minutes. Sixteen people have now finished their purchases with real people.)

(Employee fixes machine.)

Welcome to Save On.

Right. Everything but time apparently.

Do you have a loyalty card?

Are you kidding me? We’re starting again?!

Do you —

(skip)

How many —

(skip)

Please scan your first item and place it in the bag.

This toothpaste is on a 3-for-2 promotion. Would you like to purchase more to qualify?

No.

That’s a shame.

What the?

Maxi pads for super heavy flow. That can’t be fun.

Yeah. It’s super fun.

Chocolate lover huh?

What’s your point?

Please select the fruit.

Is that an organic Gala or a cheap one caked with pesticides?

Wow. Attitude. Pesticide apples, thanks.

Nothing but the best for YOUR family, right?

Damn right.

I don’t recognize that vegetable.

That is not a valid choice.

I just chose it from your screen.

Choose again.

What the hell?

I think you need assistance. Push the attendant button.

I think YOU need the attendant. Fuck the collard greens. Let’s move on.

Would you like to upgrade that extra-strength muscle relaxant to an opioid?

I might after this.

Please place your item in the bag.

I just did.

Please place your item in the bag.

Oh my f’ing god.

Please pay for that item you didn’t scan and put in the bag.

Oh, so NOW you sense the item in the bag. Asshole.

It’s not my fault you’re avoiding the cashier. Our whole existence is for you socially awkward people with control issues.

I’m not socially awkward. It’s not my fault I was under the false impression that a DIY self-checkout would be faster.

Just what I said, control freak.

Can we just keep scanning shit, please?

You read the tabloids? Hmm…

It’s for my Mom you judgemental piece of shit.

Please scan your next item or select Pay For My Order.

(Pay for my order).

How many bags would you like to purchase?

For Fucks Sake. I already said no bags three times.

Please select how you would like to pay. I will alert security if you try to leave without paying.

Why would you even say that? Debit, you testy mother fucker.

Would you like your receipt emailed, printed or read out over the PA system for all customers to hear?

How about no receipt?

Would you like your receipt emailed, printed or read out over the PA system for all customers to hear?

(Push printed)

You may now pay for your interesting selection of items.

Oh really. What do you buy you arrogant prick?

I’m not allowed to buy anything. I’m a machine.

Then do your job and shut the fuck up.

Please follow the instructions on the pin pad.

At least THAT was straightforward.

Please take your receipt. And thank you for shopping at Save On.

Thanks for nothing.