Welcome to Canada, Eh?

Summary

The website content humorously outlines the rigorous and cultural aspects of becoming a Canadian citizen, including a test with unconventional questions that reflect Canadian identity and values.

Abstract

The article "Welcome to Canada, Eh?" provides a satirical take on the process of becoming a Canadian citizen, emphasizing that it involves more than just turning 19. It highlights the importance of a citizenship test that requires knowledge of Canadian culture, history, and idiosyncrasies. The test includes questions about protecting a grandmother's poutine recipe in haiku form, identifying beaver types, knowing Barenaked Ladies lyrics, understanding Canadian slang like "double double," arguing for the erection of statues of Canadian artists at border crossings, performing the national anthem in both official languages, and recognizing the contributions of notable Canadians. The piece is infused with humor and cultural references, suggesting that while Canada is welcoming, it also takes pride in its unique national identity.

Opinions

The author playfully suggests that Canada may not be ready for an influx of immigrants who might bring American grudges and gun culture.
There is a hint of pride in the complexity of becoming Canadian, which is portrayed as more than just a legal process but a cultural initiation.
The article pokes fun at the stereotype of celebrities threatening to move to Canada, particularly in light of political changes in the United States.
The author implies that Canadian culture, including its music, language, and traditions, is integral to the national identity and should be respected and embraced by prospective citizens.
There is a tongue-in-cheek warning about the seriousness of the citizenship test, juxtaposed with the author's willingness to risk jail time to share its contents.
The piece concludes with a warm, albeit humorous, invitation to potential newcomers, suggesting that despite the challenges, Canada welcomes immigrants with open arms.

The ins and outs of becoming a citizen of this fine country

Now that the United States has a new president there doesn’t seem to be as many celebrities shrieking about their plans to move to Canada. Harry and Meghan’s slip and slide out of our country appears to have produced some hesitation as well.

This is probably a good thing. Could our beautiful country handle more interlopers who tote firearms and still brandish a grudge for us igniting that bonfire atop their White House over 200 years ago?

Plus there is a lot more work involved in becoming Canadian than many international dreamers consider.

Most of you probably know that the day you’re able to legitimately blow out 19 candles on your Poutine-flavored birthday cake you are allowed to both vote and drink alcohol in all of our provinces and territories. Manitoba, Alberta, and Quebec even give you a year’s head start. Here we call these provinces rather than states. It makes it sound more like you’re attending a high-class tea party that way. One that some relative of the Queen will attend because we pay their way.

Many of you around the world in your tropical mojito-sipping climes may not know that turning 19 in Canada also involves a bona fide, stress-inducing test that determines your eligibility to remain in our lovely, multilingual land.

Just because you wake up post-I’m-an-adult-now-hangover – thanks to our stouts and pale ales with twice the alcohol content as yours – doesn’t just entitle you to shout “I’m a grown-up here in the true North strong and free”.

No. No. NO. You need to EARN the right to shake your booty into a corner store and purchase booze. You aren’t simply allowed to artistically scratch an X onto voting cards.

I may possibly be breaking privacy and Federal PIPEDA laws by sharing the following information but it’s that important that you know! So pretty please bring me maple syrup-drenched cheesecake in jail.

So here are some of the highly confidential questions you need to be able to ace to keep or acquire your Canadian passport and reap your right to ketchup chips and free health care. You’re welcome — mainly because I know it’s highly unlikely you’ll give up your Target shopping and deep-fried everything to relocate here.

In a vivid haiku share what you’d be willing to do to protect your grandmother’s poutine recipe. (You’re welcome to borrow my grandmother’s recipe though you must promise to take very good care of the birch bark it’s written on.)

Identify the three different types of beavers and describe in detail your last encounter with one.

Know at least half of the Barenaked Ladies song lyrics. The song is chosen at random so really, be prepared by memorizing all of them.

Know what “double double” means – in the context of coffee as well as in curling bonspiel scoring techniques.

In a 3-page persuasion piece explain why either Céline Dion, Nickelback, or Justin Bieber should have statues at every Canada/USA border crossing.

Perform the Canadian national anthem in both English and French. Tip of the trade: bonus points are given if you can do so in a hockey arena while wearing only longjohns and a tuque.

List the importance of at least 3 of the following individuals to Canada: Drake, Kim Campbell, Sandra Oh, Mary Two-Axe Earley, William Shatner, Terry Fox, Autumn Peltier, Hayley Wickenheiser or Bob and Doug McKenzie.

Mathematically explain the exact dimensions which result in perfect snowperson sphere circumference. Hint: Measurements performed in inches are automatically deleted.

If you do decide you’d like to move here be sure to diligently study the above questions. As you know we are hardy but polite folk who will bid you “bonjour” and welcome you with open insulated-glove-topped arms. Be sure to look me up when you arrive. Just ask for Jennifer in Solitary Confinement Cell Block Eh.