Welcome to Broadmoorehouse Retirement and Golf Community!
Vandals and Hoodlums Need Not apply
Welcome to Broadmoorehouse Estates! We’ve been a community of mildly wealthy elders nestled in the Edridge hills since 1962. I’m Darla.
I hope that our lead checkpoint guard Murphy wasn’t hostile toward you? Last week Murph had to pull his Beretta and draw it on some 8-year-olds as they were coming too close to the front gates with sidewalk chalk, and he’s been on edge ever since. It brings me comfort to know that he and the other security guards are here to keep up safe from vagrants and riffraff that might lead to even worse crimes.
First off, thank you for your interest in buying into the Estates. As you can imagine, our waiting list is quite long. As community board advisor, my role is to ensure you are a good fit for Broadmoorehouse Estates and vice versa.
Do you by chance happen to know how to hook up a television? My grandson Kevin was supposed to help, but he had what appeared to be marijuana paraphernalia in the back of his car and Murph turned him around with a warning shot fired into the air. Kevin says if I want to see him, I’ll need to “exit this Stepfordass wife’s complex once in a while” — whatever that means. Quite frankly, it sounds like foul language and I don’t care for foul language.
Each condominium starts at $1,000,000 per year plus HOA costs. I already ran a credit and background check on you, so I know you can afford it. I’m not an official Broadmoorehouse employee, but “safety first” is my motto! Would you mind explaining why you kept that ’86 Cutlass well into the 1990s? I’m just curious. It seems like you should have had a BMW by then.
That housing cost helps keep the grounds clean, provides water to the golf course most residents are physically unable to partake in, and keeps the grounds workers from being able to afford to live here when they reach retirement age. Your funds are well-used here.
You will be staying for popcorn shrimp, Mai Tais, and Mancala this afternoon, won’t you? I told my best friend and your neighbor-to-be, Bev Haskins, all about you, and she was really interested in knowing more about that medical bankruptcy in 1972 and your divorce in 1991. Bev can’t have Mai Tais because she had a section of her colon removed last year, but she sure can down those popcorn shrimp, and she is a mean Mancala player. Before he passed a decade ago, her husband would always make sure she didn’t eat too much popcorn shrimp or any other food. Isn’t that nice? Did you know that Mancala was invented by a South African politician who was imprisoned for many years?
This is an inclusive community. The fact that Bev and I have been friends since high school, are white, upper middle class, and both live here is just a coincidence. You’re more than welcome to invite your friends to live here as well — as long as they don’t cook fish head stew, yellow curry, or any other foods that smell unsavory and can bring down the morale of the community.
I’ll give you a few minutes to look around. Please let me know if you have any questions, dear! Be careful not to linger too long. Murph has been really suspicious and jumpy ever since he took that temp job in Ramadi in 2006.
