Weird Ways I’ve Gotten Off
This is what quarantine has done to me.
I seem to have sex on the brain these days.
Admittedly, thinking about sex is a great deal more pleasurable than thinking about the coronavirus, the Orange Turd, or all the stuff I need to do around here. Clean. Declutter. Dump shit. Stuff I promised myself I would do.
All those tasks that I now have plenty of time to slay. If only I’d get off my ass and do something about them.
Why is it that, for some of us, the more time we have to get things done, the more we procrastinate? Can anybody explain this to me?
We humans are crazy AF.
So anyway, I got to thinking about some of the more unorthodox ways that I’ve masturbated over the years. Yes. This is about self-love, sans the ministrations of a partner.
STATIONARY BIKE. One day, I was peddling away on this particular piece of workout equipment, in front of the TV in my basement. Going nowhere fast you might say, yet I worked up a surprising lather, regardless.
As I was peddling, my mind half in/half out of what was playing on Netflix, I started to feel a tingling in my…nether regions. I apparently had hit the “sweet spot” on the bicycle seat, as well as on my body. Such synchronicity! How fortuitous!
What was I to do other than go with? And go with I did, with gusto. I’m lucky I didn’t fall off the thing and break my fool neck. But I rode that bronco like a champ.
WASHING MACHINE. My husband and I were living in a victorian three-flat in a trendy Chicago neighborhood. There was a washer and dryer in the laundry room for the tenants’ use.
One day, I schlepped downstairs from our third-floor apartment to wash clothes. As I leaned against the (running) machine to adjust the cycle, the washer’s vibration set my body to humming. A very particular part of my body.
I must have presented a sight: Hunched over the machine, legs spread, like I was making love to the thing. And I guess I was. And the machine was making love to me.
Did it feel good? Hell, yes! Was I worried someone might venture in and see me? Hell, yes! But this gal’s no quitter, so with one ear tuned to the entrance, I worked it all the way through “spin.”
DISHWASHER. Are you sensing a pattern here? A “rub a dub dub,” kind of thing?
This particular “event” occurred in the home my husband and I live in, now. I was in the kitchen, gazing out the window at our yard and daydreaming. About sex, possibly because I realized that I was experiencing a pleasurable sensation “down there.”
Absentmindedly, I’d been leaning against the dishwasher in such a way that the handle of the machine was poking me right where “I lived,” so to speak.
Who the hell would ever get off via the handle on a dishwasher? Me, that’s who!
“Thank you, Kenmore!”
We have since replaced that machine, but I remember it fondly.
The fact that I’m sharing all this with you is a testament to the reality that I’m losing it, a little. You probably are, too.
This is where a dose of self-love can help. Maybe you live alone or are on the verge of strangling your partner due to all the “up close and personal” time.
Masturbate! It relieves tension and feels good. Really, really good! You don’t have to get jiggy with household appliances like I did but if they’re of a consensual. nature, I say go to town.
Hump that washing machine! Bump that dishwasher! Ride that stationary bike like you’ve never ridden it, before!
What have you got to lose other than looking like a total perv if you get caught? And who gives a damn, anyway? Desperate times and all that.
Again, this is one of those occasions when I’m glad my husband doesn’t read me unless I put one of my stories in front of his nose. So glad.
Right about now, I’d be tagging a bunch of people and asking them to share, as I did, some of the less conventional methods that have suffused them with a post-orgasmic glow….and a big smile.
But I’ll spare you that.
Of course, if you’d like to share, please do. I for one, am “all eyes.”
Sherry McGuinn is a slightly-twisted, longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times, and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.
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