Wearing A Mask — A Deep Dive into Masking ADHD Symptoms

I received my ADHD diagnosis in October 2021 at the age of 36. I know I’m not alone in being a late-diagnosis case. I recently attended a seminar that brought me a community of thousands of other attendees. I felt blown away by the high number of ADHDers within. The vast majority of them had received their diagnosis late in life.

Those of you who fall into this category will likely agree that we fell through the cracks for a handful of reasons. But two reasons trump the rest.

People who exhibit hyperactivity are more easily noticed. Being disruptive in a classroom setting, for example, is more than enough for a parent to get a kid checked out.

Those of us with less hyperactivity became experts at masking our ADHD symptoms.

I imagine for some there might be bigger reasons than those two. And that’s okay. In fact, if you’re one of them, hit me up and let me know what’s different for you.

A Brief Personal Story

From a young age, I knew I was different from most people in my life. I was unknowingly experiencing more than just undiagnosed ADHD. But I’ve managed to sort out all the things I was dealing with, and ADHD was the cause for feeling different.

I was an only child growing up, and I was content to play alone at nearly all hours of the day. I was a dreamer. And for this reason, I would gladly play and dream and interact with invisible people all day and all alone.

There are plenty of indicators that I had ADHD, but I’ve only been able to pinpoint them since starting my evaluation almost two years ago. It’s no wonder my parents and teachers hadn’t a clue. I had fooled us all by masking symptoms, which arose from a subconscious place of survival.

I am an introvert with social anxiety. So, while I could come out of my shell when given the opportunity, the majority of the time I felt terrified of how my teachers and peers might perceive me. It took over a decade to learn how to mask social anxiety and introversion, and yet it was like second nature with my ADHD.

While in hyperfocus, others’ perception of me was fine (unless I wasn’t listening, of course). But speaking out of turn, bothering people who were on the phone, being a “class clown,” nervous body movements, etc. were most definitely pointed out to me. In some instances, they were worth scolding.

I couldn’t stand being scolded. This made it relatively easy to stop doing most things I’d get reprimanded for. Or I’d hide them and make it seem as though I’d done away with them.

Is Masking Inherently Bad or Is There Some Good?

I have a deep need to view things from multiple angles. Nothing in life is either one or the other. There’s good and bad in everything.

The biggest downside to masking is that we’re hiding who we are. This is ironic, isn’t it? We live in a time where we scream about authenticity from the rooftops. Yet, children are still forced into specific boxes until they’re older, at which point it’s okay that they “be authentic.”

I’m not saying children don’t need to be shaped to some degree. We’re shaped by everything in our lives anyway, regardless of diagnosis. In most cases, parents and teachers act on what they think is best for the child. It’s difficult to know when doing what’s best is stifling or detrimental.

After my diagnosis, I started having many epiphanies each day. These epiphanies spanned the course of my lifetime up to that point, not only childhood. In fact, most related to work environments. With these instances, I started off feeling elated that the puzzle pieces were fitting together and making sense to me. Over time, however, I started to get pissed.

I became keenly aware that I was misunderstood at work, mostly by superiors, due to my ADHD symptoms and the inability to vocalize what I was dealing with. This is an area I will be diving into with a future story most definitely. But the main point today is that I was often viewed as lazy.

Many of you can relate to being labeled lazy. And I can tell you, this wasn’t the first time in my life I’d been viewed that way. I was perceived this way in some romantic relationships. I was perceived this way by some teachers in middle and high school. At times, I was even viewed this way by family and friends.

This is the bad side. Not only hiding from the world, in turn hiding from ourselves; but also allowing ourselves to be completely misunderstood and ridiculed.

No one would have guessed I had ADHD, ever, in a million years. I was just that good at masking the symptoms I was dealing with. To the outside world, I was as neurotypical as the rest of them.

Wait, What’s the Good in Masking, Taras?

I imagine some of you might be asking this question and feeling unsure about how there could be a good side to masking. No worries, I got you.

While I cannot speak for everyone’s experience, I know that I am a much more creative problem solver in my life due in large part to masking. Because, let’s face it, masking is not easy by any stretch of the imagination.

No one taught us precisely how to mask. The way we process and adapt is different for everyone. Instead, we took in information about what we were doing “wrong.” Then we went about figuring out how to stifle these attributes and have an easier existence.

I don’t have an easy time understanding new concepts. Thus, I learn more slowly than most. But the moment I grasp any small part of the concept, I can run for the hills at a rapid pace.

While it may sound odd, I thank my masking for this. I had to use my mind in all new ways to make masking a possibility.

I didn’t even know that’s what I was doing. I didn’t know I was masking. I didn’t know I was processing differently. I didn’t realize I was constantly searching for patterns in life to make concepts easier to grasp.

Now I’m good at piecing things together in ways others might not consider. That on its own is enough for me to say there’s some amount of good in masking. We’ve got to find the good within the bad.

When Does It End?

So, now for the inevitable question. When do we stop masking?

Are we even able to stop?

The moment I had a label for my problems and a gazillion epiphanies, I was done masking. At least, I wanted to be done masking. The unfortunate truth is that, much like snuffing out bad habits, it’s not easy to do away with something you’ve done your entire life.

I equate it to having a limiting belief. This is quite fitting considering both limiting beliefs and masking start in early childhood. The longer we go on utilizing and holding onto them, the harder it is to let go of them altogether.

I did, however, allow myself to share my ADHD epiphanies with others. This helped me become more vulnerable in moments when my ADHD was holding me back. I chose to explain to peers and superiors what I was dealing with, and quite often I found they wanted to better understand me. They were less quick to judge.

That being said, I always made sure not to use my ADHD as an excuse. While the world needs to open up more to neurodiverse folks such as ourselves and stop cutting us down, it can be all too easy to limit ourselves if we’re allowed to do so.

• My ADHD is not a hindrance.
• It also isn’t a superpower (though hyperfocus absolutely is, lol).
• It might make me slower than others to comprehend, learn, and retain new ideas.
• It might make me feel like a terrible adult because things like buying a house, filing legal paperwork, or getting health insurance are such foreign concepts that I fear I’ll never understand them.
• My ADHD also makes me question everything and everyone.
• It makes me strive to understand the world around me and everyone in it.
• It makes me a dreamer and a deep thinker.
• It makes me a small-time comedian, getting joy out of lifting others’ spirits.
• It is the reason I persevere through every single obstacle I face until the day I die.

Thank you so much for reading this story. I often attempt to offer some tips in my stories, which is lacking here. While that is surely going to fall in line with my future ADHD-themed stories, most of the time I would rather foster a sense of connection with readers.

I want to connect with those of you with ADHD (diagnosed or not) as well as the neurotypicals who want a better understanding of us. If you’re up for sharing, please let me know a bit of your history with masking or experiences you’ve seen others go through. We change the world one conversation at a time.

Until next time. Much love

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