NOT A SNOOZEFEST

We Sincerely Hope You Enjoy Your Stay At The White Hole

Do not fool yourself into thinking we’re white supremacists

Thank you for choosing The White Hole! You are now confirmed for three humans and four animals at 11:45 P.M. on Sunday, December 31, 2023. Before we welcome you to our 9-star hotel, we want you to understand everything you’re going to thoroughly enjoy so we can avoid misunderstandings.

Owing to climate change, the apparent return of zombies, the war in Ukraine, poverty, social inequality, and Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly’s relationship barely hanging on, your room will be reserved for exactly four hours and fifteen minutes.

Therefore, your check-out time will be at 4 A.M. on Monday, January 1, 2024. Unlike a black hole, whose gravitational field is so intense that no matter or radiation can escape, The White Hole lets you check out with ease. You’ll hardly feel like you checked in.

Before you ask, the name The White Hole was inspired by The White Lotus. Unlike The White Lotus, The White Hole doesn’t kill humans. Animals? It depends on the behavior. The behavior of humans. If you suck at biology, birds are also counted as animals — in case you consider bringing lovebirds and/or canaries.

Do not fool yourself into thinking we’re white supremacists because of our hotel name. We’re NOT racists. In fact, we genuinely hate white people. Even remotely white people.

If you’re unable to check out at 4 A.M., because you overslept by accidentally turning off your 2:45 A.M. alarm instead of hitting the snooze button, The White Hole will become The White Lotus. It’s imperative you remember in your sleep that “Snooze” and “Stop” are two different words. Your life depends on it.

Your animals? They’ll be perfectly safe.

In fact, it would be immensely helpful if you checked out of the hotel closer to 3:30 A.M. so that we have enough time to say a proper goodbye to you — with hugs. Also, we have a party of 12 checking into your room at 3:55 A.M. We need time to change the bedsheets and/or clean the toilet.

Fair warning: We adhere to a strict policy of “no music when you’re in the bathtub”. Should you be caught listening to any music in the bathtub, $299 will be added to your bill for each song you listen to. This is a hotel, not a nightclub.

You are, of course, welcome to use our free lightning-speed wifi. A password will not — we repeat: will not — be provided to you. You have to figure it out on your own. The clues will be written on Post-its and pasted all around your bedroom and bathtub. To give you a headstart, our password doesn’t contain the following characters — 3, @, &, O, (, Z, z, ?, /, and =.

Two questions we’re often asked involve the use of pornography. Can I watch porn without headphones? Absolutely!! Not. Absolutely not. Can I read erotic stories online? You can!! Only if you read it aloud. This is a hotel, not a church.

Please write back to us in fourteen words or less to let us know if you have any food or drink allergies. We won’t serve you accordingly. This is just to understand the absurdity of the human race. The more we understand, the more we can dream about making humanity better.

You’re entitled to swim in our swimming pool as long as you want. But women must wear an Indian saree (cotton is fine) and men must wear a pair of black jeans while swimming. This is to ensure you don’t drown while swimming in the actual ocean someday where you’ll contend with strong waves and currents. Animals are encouraged to swim nude — unless they have Victoria’s Secret swimwear.

Before entering The White Hole, you’ll need the following documentation: your passport, Machine Gun Kelly’s passport (we accept photocopies if you bring Megan Fox with you), your animals’ birth certificates (original is a MUST), three printed copies of your browser history in incognito mode for the last 48 months and one copy of Aubrey Plaza’s browser history in normal mode for the last 5 months.

The management might let the last one slide if you bring Aubrey and/or any Victoria’s Secret model with you.

We sincerely hope you enjoy your stay/swim at The White Hole.

We would kill to have you, not have you get killed.

Merry Christmas! (Where you are, it’s February. Here, it’s Christmas!)

Wouldn’t you rather be laughing? Follow MuddyUm and Srini

A special thanks to the comedy legend T. Kent Jones who would make a terrific manager at The White Hole AND The Black Hole.

If you would rather prefer not to be charged for the sixteenth song you listen to in the bathtub at The White Hole, read the below — from your bathtub: