We See Things More Clearly When We Stand in Another’s Shoes

Empathy is an act of kindness

“Walking a mile in someone else’s shoes isn’t as much about the walk or the shoes; it’s to be able to think like they think, feel what they feel, and understand why they are who and where they are. Every step is about empathy.” — Toni Sorenson

I was recently reminded of the first flight my family took after our youngest was born.

My husband’s family was having a reunion, and we were excited to introduce our baby to his mom and siblings. We were flying from New York to Oregon, a long trip for our kids, especially a 6-month old who struggled with colic.

The morning of the flight, the baby was in a great mood. He smiled at everyone and cooed when the flight attendant talked to him. Shortly after take-off, he fell asleep.

Although I was relieved that he was napping, I knew it would be short-lived as he was a light sleeper. My other kids could sleep through vacuum cleaners, barking dogs, loud garbage disposals, and artillery fire from the nearby military post. This child would wake up when a neighbor, from two houses down, sneezed.

About forty-five minutes into the flight, when the drink service started, the cabin became noisy. I did my best to keep my son asleep by covering him with a blanket and trying to shield him from all the sounds, but it didn’t work. When someone four rows up opened a pretzel package, the baby jolted awake and began to cry — loudly.

As parents do, my husband and I tried to console him, but everything we gave him, he promptly spit out of his mouth or kicked to the floor. He wasn’t sure what he wanted, but it certainly wasn’t to be held or patted on the back or rocked.

Our oldest, a teenager, was sitting in the row of seats in front of us. Her two seatmates were a young couple, and they were irritated by the crying. Not knowing they were sharing a row with the sister of the unhappy baby, the man turned to our daughter and angrily said, “I wish they would just shut that baby up.”

It was loud enough for me to hear, which I suspected was his goal, and I immediately saw red but didn’t say anything for fear of making my daughter uncomfortable.

Our oldest met his gaze and responded sweetly, “That crying baby is my brother. Let me introduce you to him.” Then, she leaned over the seat and asked for her brother, pulling the crying infant into her row to meet the irate couple.

It was either a brilliant or crazy move on her part, but I was so relieved to have a break that I followed her lead.

It is incredibly difficult for a parent to have an inconsolable child in a space that they can’t easily exit.

I was keenly aware of the disturbance we were causing on the plane, and I tried to quiet my child. Most of the passengers were sympathetic, but the hurtful comment from the seat in front of us felt like a punch in the gut.

Perhaps they thought I wasn’t a good parent or not trying hard enough to fix the situation. The more I thought about their comment, the more anger I felt.

Then, through the space between the seats, I saw the man smile at my baby, and he smiled back. This small exchange gave me pause.

I suddenly stopped fixating on myself and started to think about the couple. What if the baby had triggered a painful memory for them? Maybe they were a childless couple by circumstance, not by choice. Perhaps they once flew with a child who is no longer with them.

As scenarios swirled through my head, my anger lessened, and compassion grew. There are many reasons why that couple might have been irritated — maybe they truly couldn’t tolerate the crying anymore and fully meant what they said.

I didn’t know what fueled their comment, but it wasn’t important. I could meet their anger with anger, or I could remember that we don’t always know the reason behind a person’s behavior. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is offer the benefit of the doubt and model empathy.

Although I certainly don’t condone rude, mean, or insensitive actions, some behaviors are a manifestation of pain that I can’t fully comprehend. When I tried to put myself in the couple’s shoes, instead of automatically expecting them to do that for me, I saw the scene differently. Everyone in this situation deserved some kindness and grace.

Thankfully, our youngest eventually settled down after joining his sister and fell back asleep. There was no further conversation between her and her seatmates, and the rest of the flight passed without incident. The couple quickly got off the plane when we landed, and our paths didn’t cross again.

When I think about that trip, I’m reminded that kindness is a two-way street. We may find ourselves in difficult situations that we have to tolerate simply because we are sharing space with others. We can respond with judgment, anger, and blame, or we can step into the other person’s shoes and offer understanding and support.

Some situations look completely different when we are standing in another position. If you expect someone to extend you grace, make sure you are willing to do the same.

Jill is a clinical psychologist, blogger, and mother of five. She shares behavioral health tips every Sunday on her blog.

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