We Need To Talk. A Couple’s Guide For Better Communication.
Honestly, being in a relationship can be tough. It takes a lot of hard work. This is something many of us never realize until we notice our relationship going down the tubes. By the time we know it, it’s usually too late. I feel like we are living in a world that has taught us to replace rather than repair. It’s just much easier. But you don’t have to replace your relationship just because times got a little rough. In such cases, communication is the key to a healthy relationship. Talk to each other for goodness’ sake!
I picture now many Men, rolling their Eyes like:” Now I have to talk to her even more! She keeps on talking the whole day, Jada Jada Jada.”
(guys, that’s sexist, stop that.)
There is an immense difference between “just” talking and real communication. Communicating does not have to be time-consuming. It simply has to be done correctly. Unfortunately, there are many ways to make mistakes when communicating with your partner. Don’t mistake running your mouth like a waterfall in your partner’s ears for communication. As I stated above.
The differences in how men and women communicate are enormous. But when we argue, both parties often either accuse the other party, defend themselves from any accusation or simply want to be harmful and degrading towards their companion. All of these behaviors cause more harm than you think. It causes emotional scars that can stay for years if not treated right. However, a few rules could be helpful to make communication less violent and destructive.
It's a fact that we do not learn the right conversation behavior from an early age. Consider yourself lucky or an exception if your parents taught you how to conduct disputes constructively. Much more often, lousy communication patterns were shown to us. What we know about it comes mostly from watching our parents having arguments and re-enacting what we saw them do while growing up. It’s in your subconscious; you don’t have to think about it. After all, hearing that you’re just like your mother or just like your father is no coincidence. It’s the logical outcome of being under their influence all these years.
Many of these wrong patterns picked up early in life lead to faulty communication and conflicts between couples, often leading to a destructive path of conversation that prevents a solution. Some couples often don’t talk things out and simply ignore the red flags that pop up, indicating something that should be discussed and then let go. Repeatedly unresolved struggles in a relationship can turn a state of moving together in the same direction into moving in opposite directions. Separation often follows.
Fortunately, however, you can learn real and constructive communication. To improve communication between couples, it is essential to uncover one’s own errors in a first step and replace them in a second step by learning new constructive conversational behavior. That is precisely what I did. And it kept my relationship healthy and in a state of mutual respect and understanding for the past ten years. However, this wasn’t a piece of cake, and we didn’t do it on our own, to be honest. But if you take the advice I’m sharing with you and use it, you will see positive changes, and your relationship will flourish. Of course, it can’t be done by only one side of the party. It takes both of you. It takes determination and patience to achieve results. If one of you is not interested in changing things, you should rethink your relationship.
So, If you are in a relationship and don’t feel like giving up on each other, here’s my advice. Get Some Help. You shouldn’t quit unless you’ve tried everything. You know, admitting that you can’t solve the problems on your own is not a weakness. It’s a sign of strength. It shows you care, and you want your relationship to be successful. This shows you love each other enough to face this together. Now, will it be easy? No, certainly not. You will have to face your past, and dig in old wounds, which is very intimidating. Will you burst out in tears? Yes, very likely, you will. Unless you are made of stone and don’t care for the person you are with. I indeed did burst out in tears. Yes, I’m a compassionate man and not ashamed to admit that I cried. In fact, giving in to such overwhelming feelings is a breakthrough. What happens is that you get ready to let old feelings go, all the pain, the grudge, the negativity. You get rid of old behaviors and start establishing new ones. I promise you’ll feel free and so much better after that.
But even if things don’t work out, despite all the work you put into saving your relationship through therapy, you will be able to let go without the usual drama. It will be the most honest way you’ve ever broken up with someone. Because now you know you’ve tried everything and you know how to treat each other with respect. You’ve learned to express your feelings without attacking or accusing the other person of anything. No need for resentments. Isn’t that great?
I tried to pinpoint what I’ve learned, so I can share it with you, hoping it helps you save your relationship.
10 Helpful Rules For Communication.
Speaking Rules
1. Open up: Open up and describe precisely what is going on inside you. Communicating your feelings and needs directly will avoid accusations and blame, making it easier for the listener to not feel cornered and really understand what the issue is. This can also prevent “negative” Mind Reading.” These are statements that anticipate the partner’s reactions, e.g., “There is no other way of talking to you.” Or “I would go out and do something, but you are not going to participate anyway.” With such behavior, you secure yourself in advance against a possible reaction, thus risking a self-fulfilling prophecy.
2. Use of I: Speak of your own thoughts and feelings. A characteristic of this is speaking in the “I-form.” This makes all statements more personal.
Statements that are only directed at others (you sentence) are mostly reproaches or accusations that trigger counterattacks or justifications. Think of the last time you approached someone and started blaming this person for something you felt wasn’t right. Soon as you say, you didn’t do this, or you did that, the other person instantly goes into defense mode. This is a terrible base for a constructive conversation.
3. Address specific situations: Address particular concerns or occasions so that generalizations (e.g. “always,” “never”) are avoided. Generalizations usually provoke immediate contradiction and completely distract from the actual content of the concrete situation. By following this rule, your statements will be more transparent.
4. Address specific behavior: Talk about specific behavior in certain situations. This makes your statements more understandable, and you avoid evaluating your partner. Assuming negative characteristics (e.g. “typical,” “incompetent”, “boring”, “never active”) only provoke contradiction. In your statements, separate the behavior that you experience from the feelings and thoughts that it triggers in you.
5. Stick to the topic: Make sure you only go into content relevant to your chosen issue, making your concerns more evident to your partner. Otherwise, the conversation runs the risk of completely deviating from the actual topic. Never mix up the situation you are discussing now with things from the past. They have nothing to do with each other, even if you think so. Stay in the now.
Listening Rules.
1. Engaged listening: Nonverbally, show your partner that you are listening and interested in what they say. This can be done through supporting gestures such as nodding or brief interjections such as “hm” and “aha.” In addition to eye contact, it is also essential to have a posture facing the partner, encouragement to continue speaking: “I would like to hear more about it,” reinforce the partner when telling the story.
2. Summarize: Report back the speaker’s most essential statements in your own words, if possible, to make it clear that you have understood. If this is difficult for you, don’t be afraid to repeat the exact words. If you still have trouble understanding what your partner is trying to tell you, never be frightened to ask for an explanation or a rephrase. This supports you in understanding your partner, reveals misunderstandings, and structures the conversation.
3. Ask clear and direct questions: They help to better understand the statements of the partner: “How did you feel?” “How did you notice that?” — not: “But you must have noticed that, right?” Clear and direct questions save you unnecessary interpretations, convey interest to your partner, do not force him to justify, and encourage him to examine more profoundly the chosen topic.
4. Praise for the conversation behavior: Praise the speaker for open and understandable statements so that he feels encouraged (e.g., I understand this much better now because you told me so clearly and openly.”). Of course, the speaker can also praise the partner’s good listening.
5. Feedback of the triggered feeling: There are situations in which you can’t react to the speaker with understanding, for example, because you have been very upset by their statements. In such cases, indirect speeches should be avoided, such as: “But that’s not true at all!” It is better to report back your own feelings directly: “I am surprised you see it that way.” It is also vital to report positive emotions back, e.g., “I am happy that you want to do this with me.”
Conclusion:
These rules are simply guidelines for better conversation in your relationship. It takes much more than that for a successful relationship. Nevertheless, following and mastering these rules will create a far better environment where love and respect can grow.
That is what I wish for you.