Summary

The article discusses the anxiety-inducing phrase "We need to talk" and how it often leads to unnecessary worry and negative assumptions, emphasizing the importance of addressing the situation promptly and maintaining a positive mindset.

Abstract

The text outlines a common scenario where the phrase "We need to talk" triggers a cascade of anxious thoughts and assumptions, particularly about potential negative outcomes. It illustrates this through a personal anecdote involving the author's wife, who feared she might lose her job when her boss requested a private conversation. The article advises confronting the situation immediately to avoid prolonged stress, using mindfulness techniques to manage anxiety, and considering positive possibilities. It also suggests preparing for the worst-case scenario as a way to alleviate fear. The narrative concludes by encouraging readers to adopt a positive perspective, reminding them that worry is unproductive when dealing with uncertain outcomes, and cites the song "Don't Worry Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin to reinforce the message of optimism.

Opinions

The author believes that most of our worries about potential negative outcomes are baseless and stem from our own negative thought patterns.
It is suggested that by actively seeking clarification, individuals can reduce the period of anxiety and potentially discover positive news instead.
The article promotes mindfulness as a tool for managing anxiety, advocating for breathing exercises to clear the mind and focus on the present moment.
The author emphasizes the value of considering positive outcomes and preparing constructive responses to challenging situations, rather than succumbing to worry.
There is an opinion that assuming the worst can be detrimental, and that a positive approach can lead to better outcomes or at least a more peaceful state of mind.
The author implies that the phrase "We need to talk" is not inherently negative, but our interpretation of it can lead to unnecessary stress.

We need to talk!!!

Four words that can cause so much worry and anxiety if you let them.

Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

Ever been in the situation where someone says they want to talk to you at some stage and you’re unsure why? What thoughts go through your head when this happens? Many people instantly head down the negative path of anxiety and worry.

“Why do they want to talk to me? What did I do wrong? It’s probably because I was five minutes late to work last week. I bet they are going to fire me. My life is over.”

However, most of the time we have zero evidence that the thoughts in our head are correct. It’s just the demons in our head coming out to play, only because we open the door wide enough and invite them right in.

About a week ago my wife sent me a message saying her boss wanted to have a private chat with her at some stage.

To set the stage, since the pandemic hit there was a possibility that she might lose her job. She had decided to take things into her own hands and start working towards a business she had wanted to start for a while. The future was uncertain so I totally understand the anxiety that was going through her throughout this period.

This is how our conversation went.

My wife: “My boss just told me he wants to have a private chat with me later on. I think I am going to lose my job or he is going to tell me I can’t work on my business and have a job with them at the same time.”

Me: “Are you sure? It might be something else, something positive even.”

My wife: “He had a pretty serious tone when he said it. I’m certain it’s bad.”

Me: “If you’re worried about it then you should go see if he is available for a chat now. Saves you stressing yourself out until he comes and finds you.”

My wife: “I could do that, but I don’t want to.”

Me: “Is that because you’re scared?”

My wife: “Yes.”

Her boss didn’t get a chance to talk with her that day, and the next day she wasn’t working, so a few hours of worry turned into a couple of days. We discussed her options and I tried to offer advice on ways she could approach the situation if it did come to what she assumed was going to happen. Mostly trying to help her stop worrying so much about it.

When she returned to work the next day, a few hours into her workday she sent me another message.

My wife: “So it turns out that my boss wants me to take over the responsibility of weddings and conferences at a second hotel. It sounds like they really want to keep me around and respect the work I do.”

Me: “Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha…. Congratulations by the way.

My wife: “Yeah I know, Stressing about nothing.”

When you assume, it makes an Ass out of U and Me…. but mostly you.

Too often we find ourselves in situations like this where we make assumptions about the outcome of a situation. We avoid the situation for as long as possible as we are worried about what is going to happen, especially if we are right. These assumptions can cause us a lot of unnecessary worry and anxiety.

We can’t truly predict what is going to happen. We can make a good guess but chances are you are going to be wrong.

When in a situation like this, the demons in our head come out in full force and do all they can to convince us of all the bad things that are going to happen. The longer we leave it before we talk to the other person, the more time we have to make up negative thoughts in our heads.

What can we do to prevent these negative thoughts from making us feel bad for days on end?

First off — do whatever it takes to find out if your assumptions are correct. In my wife’s case above she could have approached her boss rather than waiting for him to come to her. If he was too busy then she could have asked if she should be worried. At least he would have been able to give a short answer to lessen her worry for the time being.

The sooner you can talk to the other person the less time worry and anxiety will be making you sick to the stomach.

You can also use mindfulness techniques to slow down your breathing and help clear your mind giving you time to start thinking more positively.

Start by sitting up straight in a chair, close your eyes gently, and then breathe in slowly for a count of four, and then out for a count of four. Do this for as long as you can to relax; Ten minutes is a good amount of time. While performing this technique try to keep all your attention on your breath in the present moment. Try to let any thoughts that come into your head just float on by, don’t fixate on them.

Afterward, you can start to evaluate things more clearly. Maybe your overreacting and reading too much into it. Think about the conversations that you have had in recent times with the person. Have they been negative in any way? Is there something else the person might want to talk about, like a new opportunity? There is just as much chance of the conversation being about something positive than negative.

Sometimes your assumptions might end up being correct.

Instead of spending your time worrying, spend your time thinking positively about how you would approach the situation if you’re correct. Go somewhere quiet to think or have a chat with someone close to you about what if you’re right. Try and figure out what is the worst that could happen.

In the example above where my wife was worried she might lose her job, we discussed what would be the worst thing that could happen. We have savings so we would be ok for a while and I would be able to support us for a few months till she gets back on her feet. Plus she would have extra time to work on her business.

Try to put some positive plans in place that you can work towards in case you’re right. And even if you don’t end up being right you may have come up with some ideas of things you can start implementing in your life in case something like this comes up again in the future.

The words “we need to talk” or anything similar doesn’t need to send a hurricane of negative thoughts rushing through your brain. It’s not the words themselves that are bad but the way we choose to deal with them in our minds.

Next time this happens to you, try to relax and then think of positive things this could be. There is no point worrying about something we don’t know is true and can’t control.

To finish on a very cheesy cliche note — from the lyrical genius of Bobby McFerrin

“Don’t Worry Be Happy”