We Need To Stop Minimizing Small, “Unimportant” Traumas
Trauma can come in many forms.
In my healing journey, I’ve become aware of several “small traumas” I’ve developed since I was a child.
But sooner or later, I’d always think “This is nothing. So many people have it way worse than I do. I should be grateful for what I have.”
Why? Because when we talk about trauma, we tend to think about major catastrophic events that cause deep psychological wounds. War, sexual violence, accidents, domestic abuse or natural disasters. And yes, those are some of the most harrowing experiences one can endure.
But what about the not-so-obvious trauma? That small, silent trauma that influences so many spheres of your life, without you even noticing?
Trauma Can Come In Many Forms
Trauma can come in many forms.
It can come in the form of an emotionally immature parent who’s not able to accept you for who you are, and instead projects their fears and insecurities onto you.
It can come in the form of a parent who cannot regulate their own emotions — which creates an extremely unstable, chaotic environment where you don’t feel safe to express yourself.
It can come in the form of a messy divorce between your parents, causing you to see romantic relationships in a negative light. Or in the form of an absent parent, leading you to unconsciously search for that parental figure in your relationships.
It can come in the form of an insecure attachment style, causing you to to cling to unhealthy, even emotionally abusive relationships — because you’re merely replicating the patterns you learned when you were a child.
As Dr. Gabor Maté says,
“Trauma is a psychic wound that hardens you psychologically that then interferes with your ability to grow and develop. It pains you and now you’re acting out of pain. It induces fear and now you’re acting out of fear. Trauma is not what happens to you, it’s what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.”
Every trauma matters.
Your feelings are valid. Your emotions are real and you’re not “weak” just because you feel them.
In fact, it’s the opposite. Weakness is holding your emotions back because you know it will be uncomfortable to feel them — whereas giving yourself permission to feel them, makes you stronger and more self-aware.
Just because someone, objectively, has it way worse than you, it doesn’t mean that your suffering is not legitimate.
We’re All The Result Of Our Own Experiences
It can take many years for us to recognize and heal our trauma — specially if we’re programmed to ignore it or deny it.
In my case, one of my small, “unimportant” traumas has to do with my ability to express myself and be honest about my feelings. Subconsciously, I believed that if I expressed myself, others would either get angry or invalidate my thoughts/feelings.
I never questioned why I am this way. I thought it was just a trait of mine... Until recently.
After several situations that triggered me, I suddenly realized that this fear is based on the fact that I could never express myself at home with my parents.
My father has always had a very strong and authoritarian personality. Anything we do or say can set him off. Our home environment has always been unstable and, as a consequence, I’ve learned to be quiet and obey his rules. I’ve absorbed the message that I don’t deserve to stand up for myself.
My whole life I thought “This is normal. Every family fights. I should be grateful because I have a family that loves me and cares for me, despite all the instability”. Now I know it’s not normal. Not when it reaches this point.
It led me to avoid expressing anything at all, to decrease the odds of him exploding.
Subconsciously, I associated expressing myself with causing a fight. I believed my honesty would cause chaos and conflict.
Coming to this realization was as liberating as it was frustrating. Liberating because now I know why I am the way I am, and I can change that. Frustrating because now I am aware of how dysfunctional and unhealthy my family is.
I’m still healing and I still have a long way to go. But at least now I know I don’t have to feel like a bad daughter for feeling certain emotions and/or expressing them.
Now I understand we can never be good enough for those who are not at peace with themselves.
You can only heal when you have the courage to dive deep into your patterns.
So, next time you feel shame for feeling whatever you’re feeling, instead of telling yourself you shouldn’t be feeling it, ask yourself “Where does this feeling come from? Why am I triggered?”.
The difference is, you’re not asking yourself why out of shame and self-judgment — you’re asking it because you want to understand the root of the problem.
It won’t be easy. But I promise it’s worth it.
