We Need to Stop Calling Teachers Mrs. and Miss

If men are Mr., shouldn’t women be Ms.?

Last week, when I took my seat at the table for a run-of-the-mill special education meeting with counselors, teachers and the parents of one of my students, I was greeted with:

“This paperwork says Ms., but I see a ring on your finger. What’s the deal, are you married or not?”

This was the opening question from the student’s father.

I wish I had whipped off some snide remark that really put him in his place, but instead I gave my well-practiced reply: “I’m ______’s teacher. Let’s get started.”

It’s an unwritten rule at many schools that unmarried teachers ‘go by’ Miss and married teachers ‘go by’ Mrs. The title Ms. seems to be reserved for an undefined group of passive aggressive ladies who might be bitches and or lesbians. And with that tricky buzzing Z sound at the end, it might be too hard to pronounce for many people to use.

In all of my correspondence and paperwork, I refer to myself as Ms., often to the consternation of parents — especially men. One father asked me if I ‘didn’t love my husband enough to go by Mrs.’ Another time I got asked what my husband thought of me using Ms. instead of Mrs.

For students, it can be confusing also. My husband is well known and liked in my school community, so it’s no secret that I’m married to a man. But I feel strongly that women, like men, are entitled to a title that doesn’t hint at the details of our intimate, personal lives.

When teenage girls ask me about this choice, I give them a little pep talk about defining their own identity and how there shouldn’t be a double standard when it comes to titles. When teenage boys ask me about it — just kidding, a boy has never asked me about it!

It might seem like the minor differences between these three titles don’t really matter, but consider this:

I’ve taught with male teachers who are single, straight, gay, divorced, remarried, divorced again, dating again and trans. Guess what? Every single one of them was addressed as a Mr.

Does the title Mr. mean you get to keep your personal life a Mystery?

In elementary schools, where many teachers are women, young kids who don’t understand short and long vowels are taught to remember who is a Miss and who is a Mrs. To remind everyone who’s who, there are door nameplates, school websites and many engraved ornaments or personalized notepads given as gifts from well meaning students.

The message that this differentiation sends to kids is that whether or not a woman is married is important, public information.

There aren’t other examples of this specific brand of privacy invasion. Imagine if we had a special prefix for smokers. Or for men who have cheated on their wives? This is your teacher, Sm. Reynolds. This is your teacher Ch. Thomas.

One that might actually be useful would be a special title for people who don’t wash their hands after using the bathroom. “My son got Dh. Murphy for fourth grade this year!” (Dh.=Dirty Hands. Make mental note to wave at this person without shaking hands. )

Titles like Doctor or Esquire convey professional information that you would want to know about someone before you let them remove that lump on your arm or give you legal advice about your landlord who charges you for individual toilet flushes.

The titles Mrs. and Miss have no bearing on a woman’s ability to be a teacher. It doesn’t provide information about her education, skills or qualifications.

As much as I want to blame this situation on the patriarchy, we women perpetuate these titles as much as anybody. I can’t tell you how many young, single teachers I’ve seen gasp with mock shock when they correct a student who used the wrong title.

“Mrs.?!? Oh, no my boyfriend hasn’t even proposed yet! I’m still a Miss…”

And it’s common for the whole school to struggle for a few weeks in the fall after all of the summer weddings have resulted in a new cohort of women transitioning from Miss to Mrs.

It’s tricky for me too. I often call all women Ms. out of habit and the belief that it’s the right thing to do, but I sometimes fear that I’m being disrespectful. Some women want to be addressed as Miss or Mrs. and who am I to deny them that?

I have no problem using a person’s preferred gender pronouns, so shouldn’t I show the same respect to my fellow female teachers?

No, that’s not a rhetorical question. It’s one I just can’t answer.

Ladies, whether you’re single, married or in a relationship with a fictional cat, good for you. You do you. But that’s something I’d like to learn about you when we sit down for lunch, not the first time I see your name printed on a staff directory.

It’s not about whether your proud to be single or proud to be married. It’s not about love or weddings or sexual preference. It’s about privacy and equality.

So take a stand. Ditch the Miss and Mrs. Prepare a response for people who will question you. Get a new name placard for your desk and ask IT to update the website.

It’s a small thing — just a couple little lowercase letters.

But sometimes, little things are big things.