NOVEL

We Need to Know What Love Is

Feeling lonely is part of love

Do I need to be with someone so that I do not feel lonely?

Do I need to connect with another person to feel well in life?

I connected with my wife, years ago. And we had something. The connection was good for both of us, I thought.

So here are my short answers: yes and no.

Yes, I was still there, until recently. I needed her sometimes. It was good to be together, to feel the presence of a human I was fond of.

She was my love and my wife and has been so for the last 13 years. I’ve been tired, I’ve been angry, so angry that I have wanted to leave. I know she has had the same thoughts as I have, for some of the same reasons, and for different reasons.

Finally, in the last couple of years, we both seemed to have settled. I was capable to put a stronger focus on her positive contributions to our relationship, to me as her husband, friend, and lover, and to our everyday life.

But I didn’t want or need to be near her all the time. I need to be alone, have time for myself. I need space and time to work: think, reflect, write.

I need to sense my own presence. Be there for me.

So here are my long answers:

Feeling lonely is not a rarity. It’s pretty normal, and it’s part of being human.

It is normal for humans to experience loneliness. It is even so that it is necessary for humans to experience loneliness.

Wanted loneliness is easier to carry than unwanted, but both can contribute to a better life experience.

At the same time, it is also necessary and good to experience fellowship with others. We need to know what friendship is — and also what enmity is because it is necessary to know what’s the opposite of friendship.

Above all, we need to know what love is — both the spiritual love and physical love, both the great, all-encompassing love, as well as the more banal, trivial love experience.

But when everything comes to everything — when it comes to our feelings. and our relationship to loneliness — what are we left with?

All we have is — us, ourselves!

I have myself, and I will always have myself. That’s the only thing that’s certain here.

Being alone and being lonely are two different states, and I think both can be good for people, each for their own use, in their own time.

I was amazed when we started to talk about this, Eira and I. We had met for the first time only a few days earlier, and we lay in the bed in the hotel where we had sought refuge and togetherness:

“Do you feel lonely?” she asked.

I was surprised. It was like she had read my thoughts.

“Yes,” I said. “Sometimes, yes.”

“Being lonely implies that something is missing,” she said.

She smiled, but her eyes were grave.

“I’m lonely,” she said, “I feel like I’m missing something in life.”

“Yeah. I understand,” I said.

That’s what I said, but I’m not sure I understood what she meant. Feeling lonely does not always mean that you are alone in life. One can be surrounded by others, by close family and friends and feel that nothing is missing, and still feel lonely. And vice versa — you can have a complete life, a life full of meaning even if you live alone. Being alone can simply mean that you have the opportunity to concentrate on yourself and your things, your own thoughts.

“You see, being alone does not necessarily imply that something is missing,” I tried. “I think that being alone in a room, for example, or in a house, simply can mean that you have the opportunity to concentrate on yourself. Then you can start strolling around inside yourself, exploring and discovering your inner landscapes.”

She looked me in the eyes. She smiled. It was an enigmatic smile. I felt I was drowning in her gaze. I was submerging myself in a universe of tenderness. “Come,” she said. “Come here.”

I felt her naked skin towards my face. I felt her fingertips wandering lightly on my legs, over my belly.

I let my fingers slide over her beautiful hips. I let my fingertips wander over the landscape of her body.

I closed my eyes, let come what had to come, giving myself completely over to my senses and to her.

Afterward, for a while, we both were silent. I fell asleep, and I believe she did too. I dreamt, but I cannot recall what. When I slowly came out from the blurry depths of dreamy unconsciousness, thoughts ran through my head like a myriad of small butterflies.

I wanted to tell her, but I could not. I did not want to break the thrill. Inside me, my voice whispered words of wisdom.

But then suddenly she talked. Her voice was soft and low, almost like a whisper.

“Some feel more lonely than others,” she said. “But those who feel more lonely than others may objectively be less alone than others. Because they are conscious of it.”

“Yes, exactly.”

I was stunned. Her words, her thoughts seemed so familiar to me.

“Those who feel less lonely,” she continued, “may have found a way to live with themselves that is better, more successful for them.”

“Yes.”

I nodded.

“The feeling of loneliness,” I said, “is for parts of humanity something that exists in itself, in human nature.”

“You,” she said. “Dear, I love you for who you are. For how you listen. I feel less alone here now.”

I sighed. I felt relief. Feeling lonely is an individual phenomenon, but it is also a universal phenomenon, because many people in very different situations, not least in different life situations, can feel lonely.

Some would say that the feeling of loneliness is the same as feeling that one is missing someone or something. Especially missing someone is something that occurs when you feel you’re missing a person who should have been there, with you. But it can often happen that a ‘lonely’ person is joined by a person he or she longs for, and that things do not go so well when the long-awaited person finally arrives.

The loneliness can be just as great or maybe even greater when the two are ‘finally’ together — for different reasons. And of course, this loneliness can be related to the other not seeing you, not hearing you, not making you visible to yourself.

“Eira,” I said. “This is so … well, I do not know how to say it — we talk well together, but there is still so much unsaid. So much I can not find words for.”

I think I smiled at her. I leaned against her. A little kiss on the cheek.

Many people seek together because they think it is so wonderful to be together, getting out of aloneness. And they think that just coming together — coming out of being alone — is the cure for everything. But in some cases, it is not so wise, if the purpose of coming together is primarily to get, to receive — and not to give.

“You see,” I said, “I think the very idea or basis for us seeking together and staying together precisely is that I want us to see each other and enjoy each other’s company.”

She smiled, but there was a discord in her face, I noticed.

“You mean — that’s a part of the basis. Not the very basis, no?”

“Yeah, yes,” I stuttered, “of course. That’s what I mean.”

“Because if not, it is often better to be alone.”

“Yes, I meant — it’s only part of the basis, of course,” I said. “Not the entire basis of the relationship.”

I felt a little clumsy. This was the first time I felt she had me. She had put me up against an invisible wall. I looked at her, but she did not seem concerned. She did not seem to put more in this than what it really was — an exchange of ideas. No sign of condemning or criticizing me for what I had said. No sign of contempt. As time passes I am getting more aware of this little fault of mine. Through the years together with my wife I had become excessively sensitive to a certain form of domination, I think. I needed to force myself to remember that this was not her, my wife. This was Eira.

“You know,” she said, “perhaps loneliness must be fought through a struggle that you as an individual must take on within yourself. You simply have to learn to see yourself and who you are as a person, and who you are in relation to others.”

I nodded.

“And when you are able to see who you are in relation to yourself — only then can you take responsibility for your life adequately.”

“Yes, I said. “True. There are many examples of people — men and women — searching together and clinging to each other, without being able to lift their eyes to see the other correctly. Right?”

“Yes,” she said, “this is often about what they have been missing in their lives.”

“In any case, it is no use for us to cling to one another and in this way try to help one another to live our life. Don’t you also think?”

“Maybe,” she said.

“In fact,” I continued, “when two people who can’t swim lie in the sea and fight for life, it can happen that they cling to each other and drag each other down in the blind fight to avoid drowning. The struggle is then about survival, and in the midst of that struggle it becomes immaterial whether the cause of the current situation is that they feel irreversibly lonely or not.”

“I see,” she said. “I do not ever want to put myself in that situation.”

“Maybe what we need in our life,” I said, “is simply to see ourselves as individuals, as a person who is unique in the world. In my life, I have to create my own lifebuoy. In the basic questions, we cannot depend entirely on anyone else.”

She looked at me, smiling.

“I’m a little surprised,” she said. “Just didn’t know that you were so fond of talking.”

“Well, I just let myself go a little. Got a little eager,” I said.

“Oh no,” she said. “Don’t understand it as a critique. I just love listening to you when you speak like this. I’m not used to that, you know. At home — I have someone who does not talk at all. Most of the time.”

I felt relieved. I smiled at her. I said: “Well. So, then again, here’s my conclusion: You must learn to be happy in your own solitude and comprehend that you mean something important and purposeful to yourself and to others.”

NOTE from the author: This story is an excerpt from a novel — title: The Happiest Town in the World: Will Love You for Ever A Novel — published in 2020.