We Must Stop the Cycle of Pain

Let the change begin with you

We’ve all been hurt to varying degrees, but not everyone intends to hurt or marginalize us. If we want to improve our society and our relationships, we must choose to focus on the positive in others and give people the benefit of the doubt.

Given my line of work, I’ve worked with countless people who have been deeply hurt by the words, actions, or toxicity of others. I’ve prayed with, counseled with, and tried to encourage many who have truly been victimized by other people.

Many of these people’s stories are heart-wrenching. And they run the gamut from domestic abuse to sexual harassment or assault and from bullying to racism and sexism. And much more.

While my experiences are not nearly as severe as those described above, I too have been on the receiving end of more than my fair share of inappropriate, sometimes mean-spirited and hostile, treatment.

Pain is real. And many people are walking around with sometimes agonizing levels of extreme anguish.

Our society is in a dangerous place today.

The reason for this danger can be summed up in the classic phrase:

Hurt people hurt people.

Bestselling author and leadership guru John Maxwell has taken this quote to a new level: “Hurting people hurt people and are easily hurt by them.”

Truer words have perhaps never been spoken.

Compounding this crisis is the unfortunate fact that our society is not effectively grappling with rising levels of emotional, spiritual, and mental health challenges in general.

People are also grappling with questions of identity to an extent perhaps never before seen in American history.

If you step back and take a “Big Picture” look at the social, philosophical, cultural, and political struggles taking place in western society (perhaps especially America) today, you’ll see some patterns. An overwhelming number of today’s questions and controversies are intertwined with and animated by emotions tied to identity, self-esteem, and the (understandable) desire for emotional stability as well as social (and legal) acceptance.

Count me on the side of society valuing everyone and treating everyone with kindness and sensitivity. And I support civil rights for all.

Unfortunately, what we’re seeing now (at least in America, though I imagine in other parts of the world too) is deeper polarization, a rejection of civility, and a breakdown in constructive discourse.

Fewer people have the motivation, skills, or patience to listen thoughtfully to those with whom they disagree.

We are choosing emotional comfort zones and ‘echo chambers’ instead of studying and thoughtfully considering multiple sides or perspectives to given issues or challenges.

When it comes to political discourse — something our democratic system is based upon — we would rather hear from those with whom we already agree and throw rocks (proverbial or literal) at those we oppose.

And it’s not just in politics.

We’re seeing this happen in families, communities, schools, neighborhoods, and houses of worship. Whether the issues are political, familial, educational, familial, financial, or otherwise, we don’t listen.

We react.

And we react based on assumptions we make about the other person or group.

If we’re honest, our reactions aren’t just based on assumptions we make (often erroneously) about other people’s motives or intentions. They are based on how the other person has made us feel.

We often see other people (and treat other people) based on how they make us feel. And that is the very definition of selfishness.

Unfortunately, most of us don’t take the time to examine our reactions, because we’re convinced we’re right. And woe to anyone who tries to tell us otherwise.

If this pernicious trend of self-centered thinking, toxic discourse, and tribal polarization continues, we will see more families unravel, more communities come apart, and our country collapse.

And then what’s the point of “being right”?

We’ve all been hurt, but if we want to stop the cycle of hurt, pain, and acrimony, that change must start somewhere.

Let the change start with you.

Yes, we should stand against bigotry and injustice, but let’s do so in love. Let’s not be driven by rage, envy, or hate.

Negative emotions will lead to negative results.

Treat people as individuals. Care about them as individuals. And give each person you meet the benefit of the doubt.

Be patient with people.

In the words of Paul the Apostle: “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” (Romans 12:18, NKJV)

Blessings!