We Have All Met a Psychopath

— but we do not always know until later

This article is based on blogs, websites and other articles and stories about the psychopath that I have read online. In addition, I have sought out scientific subject matter that describes what a psychopath is.

The purpose is to collect and disseminate reliable information to readers who may need such information.

Psychopathy is not a clinical diagnosis

Psychopathy is a controversial term for a personality type that is characterized by lying, manipulation and abuse of other people. (…)

The term comes from German psychiatry and was originally used quite synonymously with what we today call personality disorder. However, the term was imprecise, and in popular parlance it was misused as a kind of easy-going characteristic of people one does not like and who one finds unsympathetic. (…)

One can be more or less psychopathic. Psychopathy is thus not a diagnosis, but something you have to a greater or lesser degree, often in combination with other personality disorders, and especially antisocial and narcissistic personality disorder. (Quote from Great Medical Lexicon.)

Who is the psychopath?

Psychopathy is found among both men and women, and in meetings with the psychopath it often happens that the victim does not understand that the person in question is a psychopath. In the article, I now use the pronoun he about the psychopath, but I then refer to both sexes.

Many have met the psychopath, but often it is only afterwards that one understands that he is a psychopath. When one has become aware of the psychopath and what he does to his victims, it is important to keep in mind that the psychopath is also a human being. He or she obviously has human feelings, and the psychopath may also be upset and experience parts of the same negative and positive spectrum of feelings as other people.

But when it comes to the ability to live in and understand other people’s feelings, the psychopath is often a bit backward.

When the psychopath is provoked, is upset or feels snug, he often directs anger and aggression towards others, and this is where he can become dangerous to his victims.

Once the psychopath has got hold of a person, he can suck all the energy out of the victim.

The psychopath lacks empathy.

The psychopath can feel emotions in the same way as any other human being, but it is supposedly the case that the psychopath experiences emotions in shallower, more superficial ways than most other human beings.

The important thing to know here is that the psychopath lacks empathy. He can perform actions that other people intuitively know are unfortunate and harmful to others, and those who know this, in most cases, avoid performing such actions towards others.

The psychopath is not like any other human being. He is often very manipulative, and can be dangerous to his victims. He hurts people close to him, and does not have the ability to regret bad things he has done to others.

The psychopath cannot be cured of his psychopathy, but may — if he wants to — learn not to exercise the strongest degree of malice towards his victims. It is probable that some psychopaths can “burn out” their anger when they reach old age, and one has in some cases seen that they in a way then become a shadow of themselves.

Are psychopaths a strong person?

The psychopath can appear strong, powerful, dominant, invincible. But this does not mean that the psychopath is a strong person. Most people, including psychopaths, are probably at heart vulnerable and perhaps often emotional within a limited range.

The psychopath can be a man or a woman who at first appears to be very friendly, very positive, almost overflowing. He is a person that you get the impression of wanting to embrace you with his words and with his arms. We can sometimes feel that it gets a little strong, a little exaggerated, a little too far beyond normal.

It may be that nothing more happens than this, that those who experience contact with the psychopath feel discomfort, but perhaps no more.

The psychopath tightens his grip on the victim

But it can also happen that the psychopath tightens his grip on his victim, that he connects the person emotionally to him, as happens in close relationships.

You fall in love with and bond with this seemingly charming, generous man.

So, after a few weeks or months, a change happens. Rubbing and disagreement arise, as if out of nowhere. Trivia irritates him, and he speaks with strong means of his dissatisfaction. This happens through anger, verbal outbursts, teasing, blackmail and other forms of psychological terror, and in more serious cases of physical violence and sexual abuse.

The pattern in the psychopath’s approach

The typical pattern is a first phase with overflowing courtship, gifts and flowers, followed by a phase where the intensity decreases and the psychopath may begin to get bored.

We should, of course, be careful about linking all such overwhelmingly positive attention, generosity and seduction to psychopathy, for it may also be that a person who appears in this way to begin with is not a psychopath at all.

If we are to conclude that we are dealing with a psychopath, many traits must conform to the definition: Falsehood, the use of lies, lack of empathy, overbearing approach, abrupt change to the opposite: from embrace to rejection, ignorance.

Characteristic of the psychopath is also the planned exploitation of the victim, both emotionally by attaching her to him, and materially, e.g. by positioning itself by persuading the victim to enter into a legal cohabitation agreement or marriage.

The life-threatening psychopath

The sinister and very dangerous aspects of the psychopath have been illustrated in many cases, and very tragic in the case of the nine-year-old boy who was abused to death by his stepfather. This is a man that the mother of the killed boy was in a relationship with. She also chose to support the man when he was sentenced to prison for the murder of her son, and she later had two new children with this man. This case shows the unimaginably great power that the psychopath can have over his victim.

The psychopath despises weakness

The psychopath despises his own weakness, and thus also weakness in others. As protection against his own weakness, the psychopath uses anger, aggression and manipulation against others. By breaking down his victim, the psychopath feels strong.

Trapped in the psychopath’s net

What makes the psychopath so dangerous for some people is that he has the ability to gain power over other people, based on emotional and irrational attachment. This power is actively used by the psychopath. He plays on emotions and processes the victim by e.g. to give her plenty of gifts, flowers, kind words and other positive influences.

The psychopath can take a long time to gain power over a human being, and this power is based first and foremost on manipulating the victim’s emotional life.

When the victim is trapped in the psychopath’s net, he can sit back and enjoy the power he can exercise over the victim, e.g. by exploiting her emotionally and sexually, financially and socially. The psychopath can have a frightening power over the victim which causes the victim to become completely attached to his net and lose control of her own life.

Ultimately, the psychopath can manage to take away from the victim human dignity and all self-respect, and those who have been trapped in the psychopath’s network may experience that nothing works and that everything is useless.

The road back to a free life

Self-insight and understanding

The first thing the psychopath’s victim needs to get in place is self-insight and understanding of the situation she has ended up in. It can be painful and brutal to realize that he who one had fallen in love with is actually harming oneself and any children in the relationship.

It is very difficult to get rid of the psychopath’s power. The first thing a victim needs is to be able to see that one is a prisoner. Liberation begins with acknowledging the actual situation, and by putting into words the actions of the person exploiting the victim. The psychopath exploits the victim, and the victim needs to see clearly what is actually happening.

Sudden changes

The psychopath may, after the first intense period of approaches, abruptly turn to rejection and cold shoulder. This is a well-known ruling technique that the victim must be forewarned of and meet with countermeasures. The psychopath uses ignorance, rejection and blackmail to make the victim weak. The psychopath may need to do this when the victim e.g. has gathered and decided to break with the psychopath.

Rejection is an action the psychopath understands, because rejection is a central part of the psychopath’s toolbox. Therefore, it becomes all the more important that the victim manages to withstand the pressure from the psychopath when he reacts to the victim’s rejection, e.g. with a new charm offensive, with gifts, flowers and loving messages.

It takes a long time to become completely free of the psychopath

The psychopath is a master in creating addiction in the victim, and in maintaining such addiction. The victim cannot completely relax and believe that the psychopath is evaporating like dew from the sunshine. He will be there for a very long time, as a threat, or as a painful memory. Only when a long time has passed, and she has managed to repel countless attacks from the one who wants her back, can the victim gradually begin to feel safe.

No contact with the psychopath

The best advice to protect yourself from the psychopath is to cut off all contact. The victim must delete the psychopath as a friend or contact on social media, in all channels. The victim must block the psychopath by phone and e-mail, so that he cannot easily reach her with messages, pictures or anything else.

The victim must also be mentally forewarned that the psychopath will use mutual friends and acquaintances against him, e.g. in blackmail and in an attempt to restore contact with the victim.

Finally, those who have been trapped in the psychopath’s network must work with themselves to create a mental and emotional distance from the psychopath. It is very easy for the one who has been a prisoner to let her thoughts slide back to the time when he was ‘kind’, decent and seductive.

The psychopath’s victim can in his own mind for a long time become a hostage that the psychopath can easily manipulate if he gets in touch with her.

‘Never’ gives up

The psychopath does not give up easily, but if the victim shows strength and is steadfast over a long period of time, it may be that the psychopath turns to other potential victims and tries there. The psychopath has a built-in need to have power over other people, and it is therefore not unexpected that he runs his game for a long time before he eventually turns to others.

Talk about it, and seek support

Perhaps the most important piece of advice to the victim of the psychopath’s manipulations is to talk to others; close family, close friends. The psychopath knows that it is unfortunate for him if the victim has good, close friends and family who support her.

The psychopath wants a victim who is weak, isolated, lonely and who longs for someone who cares — the psychopath himself, when he is in his ace.

The best medicine

The best thing the psychopath’s victim can do, therefore, is to rebuild himself mentally and emotionally, and this is best done with good help from close supporters. Combined with ‘No contact’, the way back to a good life for the victim is to find their way back to themselves and rebuild their own strength and ability to stand steady in life.