Summary

The article discusses lessons learned from the manipulative tactics of online dating predators, emphasizing the importance of making genuine connections, understanding one's own needs, and the value of investing time in finding a compatible partner.

Abstract

The author of the article reflects on the harsh realities of online dating, where individuals often fall victim to scammers who exploit their desire for connection. The piece argues that by observing the strategies of these predators—such as their ability to engage and make others feel valued—legitimate daters can improve their own approaches to dating and relationships. The article suggests that individuals should focus on clear communication, setting personal boundaries, and actively pursuing their dating goals while maintaining a sense of self-worth and authenticity. It also encourages readers to learn from the scammers' single-minded pursuit of their objectives, advocating for a similar dedication to finding a meaningful relationship. The author provides practical advice, including writing down relationship goals and non-negotiables, and offers insights into how to form deeper connections without compromising one's values or safety.

Opinions

Online dating predators are adept at creating emotional connections and exploiting the need for attention, which honest daters can learn from to improve their own dating experiences.
Self-pity and blaming others for one's dating misfortunes is counterproductive; instead, individuals should focus on strategies that work and behaviors that align with their relationship goals.
The use of the word "but" in communication can be off-putting and should be used carefully, preferably to highlight a positive contrast rather than negate what has been said.
Scammers prioritize their goals, which is a trait worth emulating in the pursuit of genuine connections, albeit with ethical intentions and without compromising personal integrity.
It is crucial to know what one wants in a relationship and to establish clear boundaries to avoid being taken advantage of.
The article emphasizes the importance of not giving in to the pressure to conform to someone else's expectations at the expense of one's own well-being and happiness.
The author suggests that by learning from the efficiency of scammers in forming emotional bonds, individuals can apply similar, but genuine, efforts to make their partners feel appreciated and valued.
The piece encourages readers to invest time in the dating process, echoing the scammers' commitment to their goals, and to engage in self-reflection to ensure alignment with their true desires in a partner.

WE GET SCAMMED BY OUR OWN EMOTIONS!

Lessons From an Online Dating Predator

How to apply The Steering Wheel Effect on dating and relationships to improve our dating experiences and our relationships

The internet dating world can be a cruel place. We put ourselves out there, hoping to find that special someone, and we get scammed. We feel violated, embarrassed, and down on ourselves. It’s enough to make us want to give up on love altogether.

But before we do that, let us take a step back and consider the lesson here. The predators are better than most of us because they know how to go after what they want. They’re not afraid to take chances, and they’re not afraid of rejection. They see dating as a game, and they’re willing to do whatever it takes to win.

We can use an entire forest for the paper needed to rant about dating apps, scammers, about how the police are not doing their job, how cruel are those people, and how hard is to trust anybody those days, but the truth is that there are valuable things to learn here.

You see, when it comes to dating, these predators are experts. And the first lesson they learned?

It’s all about making connections.

They know how to talk to people, and more importantly, they know how to make them feel good.

Let me say it again for the ones in the back:

It’s all about making connections!

It does not matter if the last dating we had was one decade ago and all that we can think is about how fast we can jump on somebody.

If we want to improve our chances we need to do the things that work.

It is that simple.

Of course, we can pity ourselves and start thinking about all that heartless people out there who do not understand us. We can even read about someone who got scammed and think:

She/he deserved it. Why did they fall for them? I am a good person but nobody wants to talk with me. They choose those scammers. They asked for it.

Wow, wow, wow… let us stop this train of thoughts and chose the most helpful one. The one who can direct our Steering Wheel in the right direction:

Why did they fall for them?

Because they give them what they need: attention.

In a world when so many of us when asked: “How are you” answer with: “I'm busy!”, somebody took the time to listen to them.

“Yes, Ana, you are right, but…

Don't! Don't put your “but” in front of me! Make yourself a favor and ban the word “but”. Unless you want to use it to call attention to what you want to say next. Like in: “but, and this is a big BUT”…

Do you know that using “but” in a phrase is the surest way to annoy your interlocutor? Because it has the effect to cancel everything that was said before it.

“Yes, but” means “No”.

“OK, fine… I just wanted to say I need connection too.”

“I feel you. This is a universal need. I need human connection too.”

Do we want to find a partner or not? Because if we want, “me, me, me, me, me” strategy will not work.

Oh, the irony of the fact that the ones who first focus on their “partners” needs are the scammers…

Can we truly call ourselves smart if we do not want to learn and improve?

So how do we form a connection when searching for a partner?

Let us apply the second of the most important thing those people do:

They know what they want.

Surely, they want money and we want connection. There is a difference between our goals. It does not matter. They have a goal that keeps them focused on what is important for them.

Let us choose a goal that can help us focus on what is important for us.

So pause reading and write down what are you searching for. This is important. And write down a list of things you are not willing to do in order to have a relationship, no matter what. For examples:

no matter what, I will not accept anybody to call me names,
I will not lie to impress my potential date,
I will not ignore my gut feelings,
I will not accept to keep this relationship secret,
I will talk with a friend every time when I feel something is off

And, of course, the most important one:

I WILL NOT GIVE ANY PERSONAL DATA AND I WILL NOT SEND ANY MONEY TO A STRANGER!

Feel free to print those guidelines and post them somewhere you can see them many times per day. Especially the last one.

Now, back again to what we can learn from scammers.

They decided that their goal (money) is worth the time they invest in grooming us.

Of course, it is worth it…the amount of money this industry makes is mindblowing. Some of us might not earn all our lives the sums of money some victims lost… Many of those scammers could work three lives without making the money they made…

So why not learn from them and decide that our goal (finding someone to spend our life together) deserves our time? That WE deserve to invest time to do our research and to take it slowly?

Sure, some of us may be too shy or insecure to even stop thinking about what we really need. But these predators? This is everything they can think about.

So much that they are not at all worried about if we like them. That persona they make you fall in love with is a fake, anyway.

And 4: we need to stop worrying if the new date is liking us or not. We need to ask a better question:

Am I liking him/her or not?

Remember the list above? Read it again if necessary.

Don't forget, we are in the dating scene to find someone to create a better life together. Or at least to have beautiful experiences. I hope I speak for all of us when I dare to say that nobody opens a dating account with the intention: “Let's make my life more painful”

So if we feel we need to shrink ourselves in order to make the other feel-good… this is a big no-no!

Like it or not, those predators are better are creating emotional connections than most of us, the real ones, men and women sincerely trying to find their life companion through dating ups.

And there is a lesson here: there are a lot of good people out there craving love. All they need is someone to care. Someone to make them feel seen. Special.

Why not learn how to show our partners that we see them? Why not learn to do those small things those predators do with such efficiency:

telling them that we appreciate them?
sending them loving messages a few times per day?
setting apart 30 minutes/day to listen emphatically?

Is this too much for a real relationship?

If those guys can touch so deeply a human soul imagine what a real carrying attitude can do.

If you want to learn more about improving the way we connect and communicate, this is an article about what we do to sabotage our chances to be heard:

This is the way we sabotage our chance to be heard

The most dangerous patterns we use when we speak

medium.com

If you want to know more about what The Steering Wheel Effect is and how to use it, here you have the article I wrote about it:

THE SECRET OF THE STEERING WHEEL EFFECT

One More Way to Never Run Out of Ideas and Write Happily Ever After

medium.com

Thank you for reading until the end. 🙂