Can We Choose to Change a step-by-step guide (Change — Series Introduction)

Have you ever had the feeling that everything you do is wrong, and that you cannot change anything?

I have to thank my wife for the impetus to start the journey I am about to undertake.

Yesterday, I was trying to solve a computer issue and I was deeply absorbed in what I was trying to do. My wife came over wanting to help, but I was frustrated, irritated, and unkindly declined her assistance.

This morning I lay awake thinking about how I had senselessly upset my wife, and that made me reflect more deeply on how we are in the world, and what we need to do to change ourselves to become better people.

This is far more of course than what happened between my wife and me. It is about how I am in the world, and who I truly am.

I have been thinking about all the self-help articles published on Medium, and how over and over people trot out lists of do this, or do that, and wonder how helpful they are.

I know most of them are written by people genuinely trying to help others, but I wonder how effective they really are. Do they work?

I think that that is a question that you should be asking yourself.

After you have read these articles, have they really changed anything in your life, and just as importantly, in a week or two will you remember any of it?

If we really want to help people and explore our own truth, we need to take the next step, and test our thoughts and countless lists, for ourselves in the real world and see what happens.

In a series of articles, I am going to explore my own life and ask myself if it is possible for me to change to become the man that I want to be, and in this article, I will detail a 5-point plan that I can use to start this journey.

I am going to use myself as my own scientific laboratory so that I can scientifically investigate my own world and see what really works, at least for me.

Do not expect great personal revelations or discussions about intimate details of my life. Such things, are far too personal to share with the world and demand too much courage.

Instead, I will discuss the actual things that I will do, and then I will tell you how I have changed or not.

But this is not to say that the things I try, even if they don’t work for me, won’t work for you. This is a personal journey. This is my journey and maybe it will help you make yours.

You are welcome to come along with me on this journey.

But be warned, I am not going to write a series of articles with pleasant words and doubtful content. I am going to challenge the heart of me.

If you have the strength and will come with me.

But we warned there is great danger here, and it is not something that you should rush blindly or foolishly into.

Most importantly, I am not a qualified psychologist, and I will not, and do not intend to try to give professional advice to anyone.

Everyone knows something about computers. We know that sometimes when we do things there may be no way back. It is not always possible to go back to the default factory settings.

Increasingly as I write, I am aware of how profoundly my words can affect others. So, please be mindful.

As we look at our own lives, we must have great compassion for yourselves. We must be mindful of our own well-being, and if there is anything that I might say that challenges the core of your being, you should take great care, and never hesitate to seek professional advice.

Today, whilst I was researching these articles, as I was reading some particularly interesting content, I felt a warm feeling inside and knew that something that I had just read, had set deeper waves inside me flowing.

There was some fear attached to this experience, so it is not something that you can or should take casually.

Remember, everyone needs help at some time, even if it is only the quiet support of loved ones. There is nothing wrong with seeking help if you need it, and you will know if you need it.

In the past when the world was too much for me, I sought help myself.

When I was younger I attended many self-help classes and tried a lot of things to expand the boundaries of my world.

But I remember one day, how everyone in a particular group came together to hug me, trying with all their strength and will to crumble my defenses and bring out my truth into the world.

But I am very strong-willed, and I would not let them do this.

It was only some years later that I realized that I had been very wise to resist.

We have defenses that we use to protect ourselves for good reason.

When you are in a room with negative people, as I was then, you are open to all that negativity, and so if you let down your defenses, you are not opening yourself up to the world, you are opening yourself to all that negativity.

This series of blogs is not about making money, or writing successfully, although there is no reason why I should not try to do both. But for me, this is a voyage of exploration and a deep and complete commitment to self-transformation. I want to challenge the self-help philosopher talked about here on Medium and see if it really helps.

I want to share this journey with you because as a small part of this larger community, your own courage and strength will add to mine, and make my journey easier.

Please wish me well.

I am not going to use a lot of feel-good words, instead, I am going to document my step-by-step process of bringing change into my life.

I am going to change my habits, and I am going to tell you exactly how I am going to do that.

Medium

Once I started to publish my Medium stats thinking that I would share my journey and progress, and perhaps help you find your own way.

Now I intend to share with you this journey I am about to undertake. I truly hope that it will help you too.

When I started writing on Medium, I thought that I would document my progress by talking about my stats, and how my viewers and readers grew over time. To talk about what was working and what was not with my writing.

As I think about this now, I realize how foolish and how limited my goals were. Life is more than numbers and money. Life is Life. And the heart of everything.

If we want to be successful in life, we must first become successful human beings.

Change

Is it really possible to change, or am I trapped in my own world, doomed to repeat every day over and over again?

The truth is that if I don’t believe in change, I never will.

So, I have to believe that we can.

The only issue is, is my desire to change stronger than my desire to give in to the storms of life. Do I just continue to accept that all I can do is suffer, and try to survive as best I can, or do I act in the world to transform my life?

What do you think?

Do you have the heart and guts to change yourselves?

Or are you going to continue to run away, and choose never to confront your fears?

This is a harsh thing to say, but the truth is that I am not really asking you this question. I am asking myself. Do I have the guts to change myself?

This is the choice every one of us has.

New Year Resolutions

Have you ever promised with an absolute determination to change the things that you hate, and disliked about your life, only to find that the determination passes just as last year passed, shortly after the new year began?

Why don’t we keep our promises to ourselves, and be the change we want to be?

I remember when my father died. As he lay in his hospital bed I could see the fear buried deep behind his eyes, as he faced his last days.

Only it was not his last days, it was his last day, his last night, and as I left, I sensed in the unfathomable depths of my being that after I left, he would finally leave too.

This feeling, this life experience, touches my heart profoundly, deeply even now.

Death comes to all of us, and some people are filled with fear of that time and shut it from their minds, whilst others quietly say that they do not fear death at all. But this is easy to say because none of us knows what we will really feel like when that time comes.

This is the only time that we have, perhaps.

My father and I went one day for a drive in the country. Unusually, once he found a quiet spot he stopped, turned to me, and said, he had had a dream or some kind of experience that led him to believe that all he needed to do, was to find a special flower and that this would cure him from life’s ills.

My father was a perfectly rational, and well-balanced man, but like all of us, he was facing his own mortality.

There was nothing particularly irrational about believing that a special flower would cure his illnesses because we are learning all the time how things, like plants, can have curative properties, and who can say with any certainty that someday we will not find some miraculous cure of this kind?

But this time of ending comes for all of us.

And the question is not only how we face our last days, but how we live our lives now.

To change, we must have a blueprint, and when I talk about change, I am not talking about small things about ourselves, but our greater truths, including how to write and really touch the world with the beauty of our own hearts.

Blueprint

This blueprint is a simple outline, to be explored in greater depth as I move along this path of self-discovery.

It is simply to focus my intention on practical things that I need to consider and work on. it is not exclusive, as it will grow and evolve, as I too will grow and evolve.

Change is inevitable, and it is part of life. Everything changes, and “the only thing that doesn’t change is change itself”. But change can be challenging, and stressful, and if we look too deeply, it can also be earth-shattering.

But change can also be an opportunity for growth and self-improvement, although we need to have the right mindset and strategies.

1. I must acknowledge my emotions. As I try to change, different and changing emotions can move me, unsettle me, and trouble me to shake my certainties, and life assumptions. It is important to acknowledge how I am feeling, and what is moving me at that moment, so I can understand what it is that moves me, and so better cope with this uncertainty.
2. Seek support. I don’t need to do everything alone, by myself. I should reach out to my friends and family and share with them what I can of my journey, and seek their friendship and understanding. When I know that there are others there who care, and who can help, suddenly my journey is less threatening and less frightening. I just need to learn to trust them. They can sympathize and understand what is happening because they too will have undergone similar life experiences. So, I should not be afraid, and I do need to be ashamed of what is happening. I don’t have to go through change all by myself. That said, there may be some of you who are locked in your private worlds and have no one to turn to. If this is true, give yourself permission to seek professional advice. This is no different from going to the doctor when you are feeling ill. You are a human being, and all of us need help from time to time.
3. Set goals and plan ahead. If I have a clear understanding of what it is I am going to try to do, with a clear vision of the path ahead, I can set realistic goals, and break things down into small manageable steps. When I plan what is to come, it is easier to anticipate the difficulties along the way and accommodate all the things that I need to do, to make my journey easier and safer. A clear plan will help reduce the stress and uncertainty growing in my life, as I challenge my own world, and this can increase my confidence and motivation.
4. Be flexible and adaptable. Change is often unpredictable and beyond our control. There will be things I cannot anticipate, that will take me completely by surprise, and I will need to change those plans to suit the new situations that have arisen in my life. I must try to be flexible and accept such uncertainty as a necessary part of finding my way to a new way of being. Remember, if I knew where I was going, and understood clearly what that destination was, it would not be the kind of journey that I am talking about here. This journey is like stepping out of the civilized world into the dark dangerous unknown forests of life. It is pointless to resist or complain about what is happening to me, and I should change my mindset so that I view all things as opportunities for change and greater understanding. New chances to learn and grow. I should transform these kinds of situations into greater possibilities and view them positively as opportunities to grow. Nothing is meaningless, because everything is acting to draw me into that new tomorrow.
5. Celebrate my progress and achievements. Nothing is going to change overnight. Change is a process, and I have to make countless steps before I reach my journey's end. Life is defined by all the small steps that I take. A 1000-mile journey begins with one step, and the secret is to keep taking the next step. It may be that change happens slowly. That is OK. The issue is not how slowly I change, but that I actually change. This process takes time and great effort. I may think to myself, nothing is changing, and that I am wasting my time, but I am wrong to think that. One only thinks like this, shortly before one chooses to give up. And we give up because we do not see the change we want, and we fill our minds with negative thoughts attacking ourselves, and all that we try to do. Saying that I am not good enough, or that I am a failure. The list of negatives we tell ourselves is endless. Sometimes, it seems easier to give up. But it is not. It is harder to give up because I will never change. As I take my steps along this path, I should understand that each step is a milestone, and every step is a real achievement, as each step takes me closer to where I am going. Winners never quit, and quitters never win. I should keep this thought deep in my heart. I must remember the Japanese proverb. “Fall down six times, get up 7.” It is OK to fail, and it is OK to fall back a step or two, as long as I keep trying and never give up. Perseverance and effort can overcome all obstacles. As each step takes me a little closer to my end goal, I should reward myself, and praise myself for doing so well. I should celebrate my successes with others. “Wow, I lost almost a kilo of weight today.” I should reflect on what I have gained as I pass along the path, see how my experiences have made me more than I was before, and how they are helping me to truly grow into that new person that I want to be.

Conclusion

We all face choices in life, and so I would like to conclude this short paper by asking myself, will I really change myself, or will I in a few days' time, start to do something else because everything is just too hard?

It is a really interesting question, and I guess you and I will find out the answer together.

I would be honored if you would share your stories of change, so I can learn and grow from your life experience.

Copyright ©️ 2023 Philip Temple. All Rights Reserved.

Finally, I would deeply appreciate any small contributions that you might be able to make to help me on my writing journey.