We Are ZIPIT™ Convertible Pants, And This Is Our Application To Become The Official Convertible Pants Of The Chicago Cubs

You already have an official toilet, so it’s really not that big of a stretch.

To whom it may concern,

To us, this is more than a business deal: it’s a partnership that can redefine us both. Just think about it — you: the Chicago Cubs, a World Series-winning sports franchise. Us: pants that can convert to shorts at a moment’s notice. We know the connection between us may not be immediately clear, but Vital Proteins is the official collagen of the Chicago Cubs, so maybe it doesn’t have to be?

Separate, we are two entities questioned by the world, but together, we are powerful enough to withstand both judgment and acclimate weather. That’s why we, ZIPIT™ Convertible Pants, would like to be the official convertible pants of the Chicago Cubs. Also, Hefty is the official party cup of the Chicago Cubs, and between that and the collagen, it really seems like you’re just letting anyone in.

Now, we have a lot to cover, but before we dive in, we’d like to tell you a bit about who we are as a pants/shorts hybrid. We were founded in 1952 on a single question: “What do you do when you’re wearing pants but then the clouds move and the sun shines straight down on you, so you get hot and change into shorts; but then at lunch, you get seated in that one spot in the shade, even though there’s clearly a ton of spots in the sun, and you’re too shy to ask to be moved to a different seat, and now you’re cold and wish you were wearing pants again?” It’s a question so simple, we couldn’t believe no one had asked it before. And thus, ZIPIT™ Convertible Pants were born.

Does Reynolds, the aluminum foil of the Chicago Cubs have a heartwarming backstory like that? We’re just curious!

Now, we know what you might be thinking: “Are convertible pants really on-brand for the Chicago Cubs?” It’s a fair question. Xfinity, the official WiFi of the Chicago Cubs, may respond with, “Is anything?” But we’re much more polite, so instead here are some fun stats! Did you know ZIPIT™ Convertible Pants are the best-selling convertible pants among both dads and childless Boy Scout leaders, two of your key ticket buyers? And the similarities don’t stop there! Both ZIPIT™ Convertible Pants and the Chicago Cubs have an average 34-inch inseam plus both can withstand rapidly changing weather conditions. On top of all that, you signed a contract in 2016 to make Buona the official Italian Beef of the Chicago Cubs! The last one isn’t something we have in common, just something we wanted to point out.

Now, down to business! We do have some expectations from this partnership, as we’re sure all of your many sponsors do. Our conditions are as follows:

• Immediate termination of your partnership with RIPIT™, the official rip-off pants of the Chicago Cubs, as they are our direct competition in the removable calf category.
• The lyrics to your hit anthem “Go Cubs Go” should be changed to reflect our new partnership. We recommend the following: “Go ZIPIT™ Convertible Pants go, go ZIPIT™ Convertible Pants go, Hey Chicago what do you say? We’re going to convert our pants to shorts today!”
• When this new song is sung, we expect everyone in the stands to unzip the bottom section of their pants and wave them over their heads. No exceptions.
• Clark the Bear Cub must be outfitted in ZIPIT™ Convertible Pants at every game and must convert his pants to shorts at least once per inning.

That about zips it! Thank you so much for your consideration, and we look forward to providing your team and fans with the ability to seamlessly transition from pants to shorts in the near future.

Sincerely,

Larry Pats

Founder/CEO, ZIPIT™ Convertible Pants

P.S. We hope you’re okay with payment in the form of convertible pants!

Read more Slackjaw Humor Writing Challenge winners: