We Are All on the Spectrum

Or are we?

Why did the philosopher cross the road?

It’s a question I’ve often asked myself.

The other day my friend Karl was talking to me about philosophy. Karl is a deep thinker.

“All the great Greek philosophers died as they lived,” said Karl.

“What, a long time ago, and probably in Greece?” Said I.

“You’re an idiot,” said Karl.

“I’m not an idiot thank you very much. I’ll have you know that I have a Spanish philosopher living in my kitchen. He’s called Plato.”

Karl sighed and then carried on talking. “I view life as being on a spectrum.”

“Yeah, I remember them!” I exclaimed, “they’re computers from the 80s,” said I. It didn’t take much effort on my part to come across as smart.

For some reason, Karl was shaking his head. “At one end of this spectrum are abstract views and experiences. Such as beauty, wonder, love and gratefulness.”

I remember thinking to myself, ‘you’ve lost me, Karl. I need to think of something quick to say to give the impression I understand you. Something that won’t make me look like an idiot.’

“How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb?” I asked.

“Well it depends on what you mean by change,” said Karl. “Anyway, where was I? So at the other end of this spectrum are things such as despair, loneliness and adversity,” said Karl.

“And assholes,” said I.

Karl rolled his eyes and carried on talking. “Sometimes, due to circumstances beyond our control, we have little say, as to where we find ourselves, at any given time, on the spectrum of life,” said Karl.

I was beginning to get bored now, “what did the philosopher from Alabama say when asked about his love life?” I asked.

“What the hell are you talking about Lee?”

“It’s all relative,” I answered.

For reasons known only to Karl, he ran his right palm down his face, before carrying on with the conversation. “Being at the positive end of the spectrum provides an array of opportunities not available to those at the opposite end of the spectrum,” said Karl.

“My grandfather used to say, ‘when one door closes, another opens.’ He was a decent enough philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker,” said I.

Karl appeared to look irritable for some reason. “At the other end of the spectrum, there are few opportunities. Some spend their lives fighting to get the hell out of there. Some have no fight left. Some get out alive. Others do not. This is the extreme nature of life,” said Karl.

“What’s the name of that uninspiring Greek philosopher?” I asked.

“Lee, are you even listening to me?”

“Mediocrates,” I answered.

Karl shook his head again and then continued. “We would all love to only ever live at the positive end of the spectrum. But we know this isn’t how life works. It is the lived experience of adversity that teaches us to be grateful. Adversity pushes us to our limits. This is an innate part of being human,” said Karl.

Karl was finally beginning to make sense to me.

“Life is beautiful, even in the darkness. Never take your own personal existence for granted,” said Karl.

Did you hear about the philosopher who was trampled?

A tragic example of putting Descartes before the horse.