We Are All Mad Here

In a new world order, everyone is assigned a psychotherapist at birth. The program is being overseen by the new World Leader, who has raised the greatest psychology minds of all time to help advise her. Things are not going well. [Response to Medium Magic Prompt]

“Freud and Jung are arguing about sex again. I really wish they’d just hook up already and move on. It’s not like everyone can’t see they’re attracted to each other! Hell, they’ve even admitted it! In writing, no less.”

The woman sitting at the large desk, Antoinette Wolfe, new World Leader, sighed but didn’t look up from her computer, “I know, Jason but they’re saying their letters were incorrectly interpreted and they didn’t mean what they sounded like.”

“Right. They were having erotic dreams about each other but it just meant they wanted to go grocery shopping perhaps?” said another man looking at printouts, “God, these old therapists are more screwed up than anyone we need them to help!”

“I don’t disagree with you Martin. I’m beginning to think bringing all these old guys back was a mistake. I still think the women would have been a bit more rational. But at the end of the day, I doubt any of them would get along. Hell, we even had to separate Freud and his daughter, Anna because they kept getting in shouting matches about drive theory. There’s no way they worked side by side in Vienna! She actually asked to be put back in her grave! Evidently that was preferable to dealing with dear old dad.”

“Well, at least they didn’t come back as zombies, like SOME people thought they would,” Martin said, looking pointedly in a young woman’s direction.

“Give it time. Just because they seem okay now doesn’t mean they won’t start to decompose eventually. From what I’m hearing, it seems like their brains are already going. And that’s how it starts.”

“Give it a rest will ya, Adeline? You don’t know anything about how it starts or even if it will start. There’s no evidence that the people brought back become zombies and the ones that do look like zombies are those whose brains weren’t functioning before they died anyway,” Martin said, “As for these guys, I think this is pretty much the way they were when they were alive.

“Zombie science is real,” Adeline began, “And evidence shows. . . “

“Evidence shows reanimating a corpse who died from a neurodegenerative disease is a terrible idea,” Antoinette said, “You know, folks, you’re supposed to be my advisers and you’re almost as bad as the damn psychologists!”

“Freud is actually a psychiatrist,” Jason said, “So was Jung.”

“And Anna didn’t have a degree,” Martin added, “Skinner and most of the rest were psychologists though.”

“Oh, God, don’t get me started on Skinner. If he doesn’t stop trying to get me to clean up after his disgusting rats by rewarding me with chocolate he’s going to come in one day and find I’ve bought a really big cat,” said Adeline.

“Yeah, well at least he isn’t constantly ringing a bell in your face like Pavlov,” Jason said, “He seems to think I’m one of his dogs. I swear I might just slap him next time he does it!”

“I’ll trade both of you for Bowlby. He keeps trying to get me to become attached to him, which he seems to believe would make me actually want to become his slave. I can’t seem to get him to understand that I’m not his personal maid or chauffeur and I’m certainly not about to find him a woman! I’d like to show him attachment, I’d like to attach some of Skinners nasty little electrodes to his. . .”

“No cats, no slapping, no electrodes!!” Antoinette said, “If I can handle things, you three can as well.”

“Not going any better with Jung, huh?” Adeline asked.

“If I’d have known how obnoxious he’d be just because of my name, I’d have gotten them to raise his mistress like he wanted.”

“And you couldn’t have included Klein so we could at least have had some play time? These others are really no fun at all.”

“They’re not meant to be fun. Their meant to help us create the new Mental Wellness Bureau for Psychological Support Services. It’s my first act in office and I intend it to be my legacy. Assigning a mental health professional to every person as soon as they’re born, with the ability to move to different therapists as appropriate throughout their lifespan. No one will ever be without constant psychological support and resources ever again. But I can’t do this alone. I need you people to buckle down and act like the government advisers I believed you to be when I hired you, instead of a bunch of interns.”

That cowed the three and they had the decency to look ashamed.

“Now, get yourselves together. The meeting’s in five...”

“You aren’t going to try to get them all together in the same room again, are you?” Martin actually looked horrified.

“We know better what to expect this time, and hopefully so do they,” Antoinette said.

‘They know how better to fight each other on every, single, solitary word that comes from someone else’s mouth,” Adeline said under her breath.

“If we’re doing that again, I recommend cattle prods,” Martin added.

“That’s enough, you two! If you can’t act professionally, then don’t come. Jason, with me.” Antoinette stormed off toward the conference room, Jason in tow. On her way out she whispered to Jason, “Call the necromancer who raised these clowns and have him on standby.”

“You think he can help control them?”

“No, but I think he can put them back where they came from if they refuse to start behaving themselves.”

Martin went to call then came back looking unhappy, “He’s booked until next month. He said he’d try to fit us in if it was an emergency and he was at a good breaking point but otherwise he won’t be able to make it. The Cultural Department is insisting on raising 100 Broadway Legends for your inauguration.”

“I guess we’d better go in then.”

Adeline and Martin came around the corner just as the other two went in.

“I wasn’t kidding about the cattle prod,” Martin said to Adeline just before they walked in.

It looked like everyone but Jung had arrived. They were all standing around talking, and it seemed to the three younger members that things were going much better so far. No one noticed Jung come in. Suddenly he was behind Antoinette. He’d wrapped his arms around her and seemed to be fondling her breasts. “I would make a fabulous date for the inauguration,” he whispered in her ear, “I have always looked fabulous in a tux.”

The three members of Antoinette’s team weren’t sure what to do.

Antoinette tried to untangle herself firmly but without being overly rude. “And again, I will have to turn down your kind offer. My fiance will be accompanying me.”

“Yes, well, couples have been known to share themselves with others before. My own wife . . .”

The three aides started shouting at the same time.

“No! No! Absolutely Not!” said Jason

“Don’t you even think of bringing that up!” said Martin.

“You’re a pig! We should feed you to Skinner’s Rats!” said Adeline.

The commotion was made worse by the others.

“She’s told you to leave her alone before, yet you just refuse to learn obedience!” Milgrim said, while Asch just kept yelling, “Conform! Conform!”

Rogers said, “You’ll never self-actualize this way, Carl.”

“For your own good, we need to put you in a Skinner Box,” said Skinner, appropriately enough.

Freud weighed in with, “I keep telling you you’re stuck in the Phallic Stage, Carl.”

Jung still concentrating on keeping his hands on Antoinette, looked over his shoulder at Freud and grinned rakishly, “This coming from a man who can’t stop with all the cigars even after they killed him the first time around! Given you’re obviously stuck in the oral stage, it would do you good to advance to the phallic stage. Trust me, you’d enjoy it, Sigmund.”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I agree with Sigmund. I do think you need to get off the bottom of the pyramid,” Maslow said

“Ha!” said Freud.

Adler shook his head, “All this excessive sexuality is clearly reflecting an inferiority complex.”

“You know it really is ironic that you broke with Sigmund over your rejection of the idea that sex is the primary motivator in life. At first I thought you were in line with my thinking that there are more tasks to rectify than sexual ones. I see now that I was very wrong about you,” Erickson looked disappointed

“No, you weren’t wrong. I do agree with you Erik. Mental functioning isn’t determined by sexual conflicts as there are numerous other issues that must be attended to,” Jung replied

“So why can’t you seem to get your hands off the Dr. Wolfe’s breasts?” Erickson asked.

At that point it turned into a free-for-all.

“Oh hell, I give up”, Antoinette said, “Call the necromancer and see if you can get him here. And while you’re at it, oh, shoot, who was the one who worked on strategies used to cope with the anxieties caused by interpersonal relations?”

“Horney,” Jason said.

“Yeah, let’s put in for her. If nothing else she could help us get over these nut cases. See what other women might work out for this.”

Jason was gone for several minutes. “The necromancer can’t get these guys back in the ground unfortunately, but he did say he could help in few days with the women. I went ahead and added Klein. I figured we could all use some play time after these kooks are gone.”

“Fine,” Antoinette said.

“Speaking of which, if the necromancer can’t get rid of them any time soon, then does that mean we’re stuck with them?” Martin asked, to which Adeline just moaned.

“Oh, most definitely not.” She unlocked her desk drawer and took out a large gun.

“Whoa!” said Jason, “Now, that’s a gun.”

“Do me a favor, Adeline. Send them out to me one at a time every 10 minutes or so. You two gentlemen can help me get them back underground. Don’t want to tip anyone off before hand.”

The three aides looked at each other for a few seconds then Adeline shrugged, “You heard the boss. Go grab a couple of shovels. We don’t want to be doing this after nightfall. Let’s start with the biggest troublemaker first.” She turned back toward the room.

The two men heard her call, “Dr. Jung could I see you for just a minute? Antoinette feel just terrible about what happened and wants to apologize. She’s asked if you’d meet her in the back garden.”

“Ah, wore her down, did I?” He walked rapidly for the back door.

“No, but she’s about to wear you down,” Jason said to Jung’s retreating back. He and Martin grabbed their shovels and headed for the back of the building.

Natalie Frank (Taye Carrol) has had work featured in Haunted Waters Press, Weirdbook Magazine, Siren’s Call Publications, Lycan Valley Press and Zero Fiction among others. Her poetry has been featured a several anthologies. She is the Managing Editor for Novellas and Serials at LVP Publications.

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