Watching Our Homemade Porn is So Damn Hot. And Validating.

Sex and videotapes. No lies.

Did you ever have a lover tell you they love your expression when you orgasm? Have you ever seen your jaw drop and eyelids jump back and forth from open ecstasy to closed concentration? Do you know what your face looks like when you climax?

Unless you act in adult films, it's unlikely you’ve had a chance to check yourself out in such an intimate way. And if you do act in adult films — please do share a link to your content, I’d love to check it out — chances are you were faking that orgasm.

As I have both a voyeur and an exhibitionist side, I love the mirrors covering my bedroom wardrobe. So many nights when I catch a lover take a glimpse, watching him as he’s looking at the reflection of our bodies dancing on the bed. So many nights, I’ve caught myself checking out my reflection.

We were in full action when he took his phone and took a snap. I looked at him with a smile; half excited, half intimidated. The thought, “That must be a hell of a closeup pic.”, lit up in my brain, interrupting the moment.

I wondered if it's something I’d like to watch or not. Moments later, he took out his phone again, looking at me this time, checking for my consent. I nodded. He wasn't taking photos but a video.

Post showers, chilling on the sofa, I asked to have a look.

Lately, he takes his phone and records short videos every time we fuck.

And in the moment, I see maybe nothing more than a closeup of my bedsheets if I’m doggie style, or nothing if I’m blindfolded or his excited face if he’s on top of me or the ceiling while he’s eating me, or his delicious cock If I’ve stuffed my mouth with it.

And a couple of days later he sends me the videos and photos he’s taken on his phone.

And I find myself watching on repeat. Like my favorite Spotify playlist, it hits all the right spots. I will watch other stuff, but always want to come back to it.

Hearing my moans, and his moans, taking note of the words he whispers to my ears. I'm noticing how his voice gets that much raspier when he’s getting ultra-excited. Observing how he moves his body, how his fingers trace my skin, feeling like I’m being touched again as I watch. Hearing my moans, getting louder as he leans nearer. That thing he does when he bites his upper lip and how his eyes become smaller when he’s losing himself in pleasure. That look of crazy I have when I’m about to come.

I watch them on repeat. Catching different details each time.

I see how my breasts jump while I ride him, how I look from his height when I’m on my knees, how my vagina looks when penetrated, her juices in his fingers, how my face becomes all red, how my mouth looks while full of him, always his point of view that I couldn't have otherwise.

These videos are so hot and at the same time, they are so empowering. You may think it’s difficult to watch unless you have a perfect body. I have anything but. I’m a map of imperfections, but it’s nothing about that.

I see myself through his eyes, I see myself taking pleasure, communicating desire, like I’ve not seen myself before. I see me provoke him, tease him, adore him, and please him. I see and understand better why he thinks I’m hot. I see how we click so well together. How we match so well.

My relationship with porn has been one with ups and downs. I discovered it quite early and got bored with it quite early. Then I gave it another go when I discovered ethical porn that spoke to the feminist in me. Then I discovered the pleasure of watching real people stream while fucking, and that was exciting for a while until it also got boring.

Watching our homemade stuff though, the videos my lover makes — knowing these are the moments he chose to immortalize, these are potentially his highlights, viewed from his viewpoint — is another level of watching. It is another level of excitement.

And while there may be some narcissism in watching yourself get off — and I get that — this is not what this is about.

I’m the kind of girl who likes to be behind the camera. My travel photo albums and social media are filled with scenery photos, food photos, photos of pets, and photos of my loved ones. It’s quite rare to find a selfie. Even as a child, I didn’t like being in front of the camera, so much so, that I have very few photos of my childhood. Yet, this is different.

It's not driven by any narcissistic tendency or any notion that I look hot. It’s driven by a need to accept me in my rawest form, with my hair all messy, face red, and makeup smudged, in my darkest version, a desire to embrace my least embraced shelves, to accept me fully, with all my errors and imperfections. It's the awkwardness that I enjoy watching the most.

And it's quite fascinating, so I try not to cringe. Some expressions are so foreign, that I feel unrecognizable. It’s rare at my age to still learn about myself. The weirdness of being me. And I continue watching. Some positions are the least flattering. But hey, if the positions are fun during sex, I will go there again and again because it doesn't matter if I look good but If I feel hot. I watch it until the end and accept me and love me in my rawest, unedited form.

Yes, these videos don't look like Hollywood movie snippets. Hell, they don't. Because they're real life.

At its core, making our videos is a simple and efficient way to take one fun moment and make more of it. We can now enjoy it when it happens and then some. More than this, you learn to chill about the whole thing. It’s sex. Enjoy it and don’t mind that belly fat or that running mascara. Life is imperfect, and that’s what makes it so damn hot.